Here we go with a divorce related blog post citing almost an entire article on Altruistic Narcissists authored by Dr. Suzana Flores with some anecdotal commentary from me in parentheticals. Dr. Flores’ words on this mental disorder resonated in a very real and tangible way with behaviors and characteristics I witness in someone, regularly.
Friends: Divorce, especially when kids are involved, sucks. Dealing with exes who display symptoms of one or a few personality disorders makes things even worse. Sure, we’re all a little nuts but some are more, how do I say, pathological, than others. On the bright side, the kids don’t stay minors forever. Time is on your side.
Altruistic narcissists are never accountable, even when they pretend to be. If they proclaim to take ownership for their actions, deep inside they dismiss your critiques by thinking [and overtly suggesting] that YOU are the one who is [stressed] insecure, crazy or jealous.
They like to project their insecurities onto others. Although they often mention their intelligence, they do not possess the emotional intelligence necessary in order to maintain a long-term relationship [nailed it]. Sooner or later, [sooner if there are no obligations, like kids] their partners will run for the hills and when they do, they can expect to be socially slandered [ie: “I’ll tell everyone we know including the kids that my husband left me and our family, for a new wife and family. And, tell them he doesn’t pay for child or spousal support. Doesn’t share custody either therefore I’m raising and educating 3 kids all on my own.” How dramatic. Truth is, she had a 1.5 year affair with a 25 year old hairdresser/bartender and that’s not even the number one reason why he left! Incidentally ‘he’ pays her 60% of his income and has since 2012 thereby financially providing for the kids he shares legal custody of]. It’s never the altruistic narcissist’s fault.
At the core of narcissist pathology is entitlement. When they want it, they feel entitled to your attention, money [yep], services, or admiration. More than other types of narcissists, the altruistic narcissist, in particular, compulsively displays over-the-top behavior in terms of giving whether it be gifts, attention, praise or advice [text book]. They believe that because they gave you so much, that you in turn should give them what they want, or behave in the manner they wish, without question. When you suggest that their demands are inappropriate [“My fiancé whom you’ve never met, and I, who you haven’t spoken to in six years, are inviting ourselves on your family vacation 500 miles away to have a drink and get good rapport rolling.”], they turn into either ‘the wounded child’ or a ‘callous bully’ [tries to run ex husband over with car] at the drop of a hat. When the altruistic narcissist feel slighted, they can even turn vengeful, spiteful and vindictive, often leaving their partners feeling blind-sided.
Indeed. Telling myself, and all the other parents in blended family situations to keep these kinds of distractions out of your home. Set boundaries with your exes, and for your family, even though the altruistic narcissist believes there are “no boundaries. none.”
Divorce is hard.
Thank you Dr. Flores.
More to come,
Tanya S.
Recent Comments