Shenpa

I used to fancy myself as someone who had “healed”. I had shed my emotional reactivity (from childhood and adulthood traumas and, DNA) for what Pema Chodrön calls, “basic wisdom as a tool of peace”. I studied for three years and thought I had it all figured out… expert. 

I knew my “shenpa” (my hooks, my urge to react in a way I always have) and so instead of getting an emotional charge when uncomfortable moments came, I’d settle into them. And react differently. Zen. 

Then, two and a half years ago I learned of a betrayal by someone from my past whom I still very much trusted and it was as though I’d never sat on a yoga mat or meditated in. my. life. Snap! I freaked out. And I’ve been in an emotional, score settling — feeling taken advantage of — tug-of-war, ever since. 

My earnest practice the last of couple years, months, weeks… wasn’t so earnest at all, it turns out. So of course it wasn’t yielding the steady results it had for years prior. And it’s because I wasn’t really wanting to uncover that wisdom. Instead I was flip flopping between stretches of peace and anger and every time I opened my mouth while in an uncomfortable moment, fire came out. 

Scorch the earth. My shenpa. Hello, old, habitual friend :). 

But… The practice IS starting to work again. Hallelujah (said calmly). I don’t need the duality. The peaceful me versus the score-settling me. It’s all just, me. Imperfect me. One part of me leads to more peace, and the other leads to more conflict. We all have both sides. We all want revenge for what’s been done “to us”. And, we all have basic wisdom to choose peace instead. 

These times call for deeper healing and heaps of self-accountability. Also: Meditation. Wisdom. Emotional intelligence. Self-awareness. Interconnectedness. Forgiveness. Teachings. Learnings. Again and again. 

Some distance from those who exploit your shenpa, who aren’t learning, who are doing their own score-settling, and who aren’t of like (peace of) mind, ain’t so bad either ✌️
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#authenticity #meditation #yoga #peace #love #shenpa #forgiveness #healing #vulnerability #wisdom #happiness #pemachodron #training #freedom #mama #wife #grateful