So Brad and I had a lengthy conversation last night (over drinks and hot tubbing) about why divorce is so messy… and why the post-divorce stuff is even worse.
Everyone’s situation and journey is nuanced, and sensitive, and painful, and there are statistics around why people ultimately divorce but this post is largely an opinion piece based on personal experience and discussions with friends and colleagues who are in the throes of it, or on the other side of it. Here are the top 5 most common reasons I hear for why people divorce:
- One or both parties has fallen out of love
- Infidelity – though, usually because of #1
- Abuse (verbal and/or physical)
- Addiction
- Money problems
Sure there are many others, like the death of a child or close relative — this last one hits especially close to home for me.
I think the list of reasons for the post-divorce shit, are longer and predictable:
- Resentment/Settle a Score
- Regret (see number 1)
- Money Grab or Money Save
- Lost sight of the kids (when there are kids)
- Outside influences (new spouses/relationships)
- Communication Breakdown
- Blackmail/Sandbagging
- Insecurity
- Fear
- Lack of Compassion
“When couples turn toward each other with kindness, understanding and empathy, they can endure even the worst storms. However, when the couple comes with boxing gloves on, treating each other with contempt, defensiveness and suspicion, the marital prognosis under any circumstance won’t be positive.”
Bella’s right, though I would add the word “ex” to the word “couples” above because the outcomes of the approaches she provides are true whether you’re thinking of divorcing or, after you’ve divorced.
Seeing the reasons and even hearing them identified out loud doesn’t ease the pain, but it brings clarity… you can try all you want but in the end, the very, very, end… you can only meet someone as far as they are willing to meet you.
Coming to that realization has been gut wrenching. I want to explain (and re-explain) that for better or worse I can see how this power struggle looks five, ten years from now and if the brakes aren’t pumped soon, and if no one wants to meet halfway and adjust the tracks… then there are harsh realities to come, with even deeper regret and healing.
More to come,
Tanya S.
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