I had a glass of wine the other night with a friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 12 years. Five years before that, I was in her wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, breathtaking even, but the reception turned into a brawl – yep, a full on fistfight. And, NO, it wasn’t between us!
Fast forward. Let’s call the friend, Benny. She’s a happy mama now, and while I always thought Benny would make a wonderful mother, it was universally known she never wanted kids. Alas, she became mom to a pretty, spunky, feisty little girl (very much like Benny). It’s actually an extremely tender story for another time.
Ok, back to Benny’s wedding. I don’t want to get into details, but basically, I witnessed an argument that culminated in bruised knuckles, split lips, and ripped tuxedos. Here we were at this gorgeous, high-end, Spanish-colonial wedding, and in an instant, it was an after school skirmish.
The long and short of it is this: I picked sides. Passionate beyond my 24 years at the time, I chose to side with the party who had been attacked. It was made clear I couldn’t have remained friends with them had I made any other decision and I genuinely loved them, so it felt right. Benny chose the side of the attackers, her friends of 15 years.
UGH! We were are all so young and foolhardy. The idea, let alone the power of forgiveness, certainly lived miles outside of my capacity to understand for close to two decades. I can’t speak for anyone else.
It should never have been about Benny and me. Ever. It was her freaking wedding for goodness sake!
Now, so much wiser and with far more love in my heart than ever before, I forgave myself for giving up a friendship over something so asinine and forgave her for doing the same. I asked Benny to forgive me too, and she did.
Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr., you always said it best:
“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.”
Forgiving isn’t easy to do. Sometimes wounds are infected over and over. That’s unhealthy and toxic. But, forgiveness and friendship are not mutually exclusive. You can forgive someone you don’t want to be friends with.
I’m happy to be friends with Benny.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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