by tanyabittner | Mar 23, 2018 | Today
So Brad and I had a lengthy conversation last night (over drinks and hot tubbing) about why divorce is so messy… and why the post-divorce stuff is even worse.
Everyone’s situation and journey is nuanced, and sensitive, and painful, and there are statistics around why people ultimately divorce but this post is largely an opinion piece based on personal experience and discussions with friends and colleagues who are in the throes of it, or on the other side of it. Here are the top 5 most common reasons I hear for why people divorce:
- One or both parties has fallen out of love
- Infidelity – though, usually because of #1
- Abuse (verbal and/or physical)
- Addiction
- Money problems
Sure there are many others, like the death of a child or close relative — this last one hits especially close to home for me.
I think the list of reasons for the post-divorce shit, are longer and predictable:
- Resentment/Settle a Score
- Regret (see number 1)
- Money Grab or Money Save
- Lost sight of the kids (when there are kids)
- Outside influences (new spouses/relationships)
- Communication Breakdown
- Blackmail/Sandbagging
- Insecurity
- Fear
- Lack of Compassion
“When couples turn toward each other with kindness, understanding and empathy, they can endure even the worst storms. However, when the couple comes with boxing gloves on, treating each other with contempt, defensiveness and suspicion, the marital prognosis under any circumstance won’t be positive.”
– Bella Gandhi
Bella’s right, though I would add the word “ex” to the word “couples” above because the outcomes of the approaches she provides are true whether you’re thinking of divorcing or, after you’ve divorced.
Seeing the reasons and even hearing them identified out loud doesn’t ease the pain, but it brings clarity… you can try all you want but in the end, the very, very, end… you can only meet someone as far as they are willing to meet you.
Coming to that realization has been gut wrenching. I want to explain (and re-explain) that for better or worse I can see how this power struggle looks five, ten years from now and if the brakes aren’t pumped soon, and if no one wants to meet halfway and adjust the tracks… then there are harsh realities to come, with even deeper regret and healing.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Mar 17, 2018 | Today
Inspire, motivate, lead with kindness, be generous, understanding and non judgemental.
Aaannnnd also…
Take no shit, set boundaries, use your voice, stand up for others, speak truth to power, and give zero fucks.
That sums me up 😂
I think every career minded, mom, wife, ex-wife, step-mom, homemaker, nurturer, provider, and healer, struggles to find that perfect balance.
Stop trying.
Be unapologetically you. They’ll judge you and label you anyway.
They’re the same people who walk into a theater in the middle of a movie — watch one scene, and walk back out having decided whether the movie was good or bad from that one 15 minute clip.
Hold onto the ones who want to know your whole movie… from the beginning to the end.
Work to align your life with what you want out of it. Train yourself to shut out the noise. And never beat yourself up for being strong.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Mar 15, 2018 | Today
So here’s the thing. You can only control you. Your actions. Your motivations. You are as imperfect as they are. He is. She is.
Think it all through. Decide. Then step back and let God, the Universe, your attorney (lol), handle it.
I read somewhere recently (after hours of surfing the net) that, “there is no past in your future.”
I’ve been holding on to my past for a long time. And I’ve accepted, it’s toxic, has different beliefs, different priorities, different end goals, and the bad of it all — outweighs the good.
Why would you hold onto something anchored to the sand at the bottom of the sea when you could be breathing the fresh air on top of the water?
Take the scissors they’ve handed you, and cut the rope. Swim freely to the shore and step boldly into your future.
Sometimes you win by giving them exactly what they’re asking for… let them stare into the face of disappointment after realizing they’ve bit off more than they can chew just to save a buck.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Mar 10, 2018 | Today
Ever had SO MANY oppportunities to practice your craft, sport, patience (lol) but didn’t ?
Nods head yes… of course you have!
That’s been me lately. I have had no shortage of shitty personal days in the last two weeks — power plays, ego wars, financial fights — all the usual post divorce bullshit where I should have been practicing patience and alignment. Instead of rising above, staying calm in the storm, letting God take over, and asking myself at every turn: does this benefit the kids?… I’ve been in reactionary hell.
If you can relate, pull yourself up!
It’s human nature to want to hold onto money and not be inconvenienced. And if two people are trying to hold on to the same pot of money, well, they’re both bound to feel inconvenienced while they tug and war.
Short term problem.
Be patient. Be the better role model for the kids. Stay calm. Loving. Providing. These are the days they’ll remember.
Nothing else matters right now. Cut yourself some slack, and Let. It. Go. Stay in your truth. Practice, practice, practice.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Mar 5, 2018 | Today
I gotta tell ya, divorce sucks ass. I know. But, truth.
When two sides are so far from center it’s incredibly hard to move forward. The question to every argument should be: does this position I am taking, help the children?
The kids will never pick sides, unless they’ve been told to pick sides, through parental alienation. It’s a real thing.
It’s when children side completely with alienating parent in divorce. It’s common, but not the norm. And I hope you are not in this situation!
Instead of turning kids against a parent, or withholding them from seeing the other parent, try asking if the position you’re taking helps or hurts, the kids. Not, does it help or hurt your ex. I get that many of you want your exes to suffer. You want to settle a score. That’s not the right way. You have to think beyond their younger years… the pain you inflict on them now through bickering hurts them even worse down the line.
You guys — the kids grow up. They leave the nest. Then you NEVER have to communicate with each other ever again. Think about that. Is that what you want? To NEVER speak again? It’ll happen. The money you fight for or lie for disappears when they matriculate in a few short years. The kids don’t care. They want to be taken care of and loved. By both of you. The kids should not suffer while you figure it all out and they are not pawns. Money comes and goes, but the kids remember everything.
Here’s a Q and A ~ Always keeping it real:
Does it help the children if you want to fight about something that was said four years ago when the lives, livelihoods and responsibilities of both parties were different then?
No. The children do not care what was said between the parents one week ago let alone four years ago. They just want promises made to *them*, kept — and to spend time with both parents.
Does it help the children if the parties communicate and work out problems in front of the children?
No. The parties should not be openly (in person, on speaker phone or otherwise) discussing nuances of co-parenting in front of the kids. For example, modifications to exchanges should not be talked through on the way to exchanging the children, while they are in the car. Figure it out on the front end, or speak privately at the exchange.
Does it help the children if you dig your heels in about wanting an equal share of the driving for exchanges?
No. The children don’t care who drives to and from exchanges. Work it out on your own without them. This means dedicating time to figuring out a plan. Not sending passive aggressive texts ahead of each and every exchange. TALK.
Does it help the children if you pay guideline child support?
Yes. The children have needs and the primary custodial parent needs all the help he/she can get to fulfill those needs thus helping the children. Plus, it’s also your financial responsibility to care for your children even when they are not with you. See below for an alternative question on this very topic.
Does it help the children if you pay for 1/2 their extra curricular activities?
Yes. Especially when those activities are expensive, and both parties enthusiastically support the activity. One parent should not shoulder that burden (on top of receiving lower than guideline child support, let’s say). It causes unnecessary frustration damaging the parties’ co-parenting relationship, which does not help the children. Children sense tension. Especially at their very competitive activities. It hurts them and is completely selfish. Do the right thing for “them” not you, not your ex.
Does it help the children if you participate in the costs of their medical care?
Yes. The children deserve the best care they can get which only happens when both parties contribute. One parent should not carry the sole burden of paying for medical insurance and prescriptions, for example.
Does it help the children if you spend child support (let’s say $3500/month) meant for the kids’ needs, on other people instead of them?
No. The growing children should have food, shelter, hygienic and clothing needs met at a critical minimum. For example, receiving $3500 a month in child support, over and above spousal support and employee earnings — should cover more than one pair of shoes, one pair of pants, and they should be able to attend a high school dance without having to ask financial aid for a free ($25) ticket. $3500/month — every month — is a lot of money. For the (minor) children. Not your plastic surgery needs, not your adult child’s college tuition, and not for your freeloading live-in partner. For example.
Does it help the children if you take money from your ex that is no longer meant for you within the guidelines of the law?
No. The children don’t care about spousal support. Figure it out on your own and never at the expense of the children. But if you know you’re breaking the law, and are doing it anyway, karma. You aren’t entitled to your ex’s money longer than the law allows.
Does it help the children if you and your ex are both contributing to your joint debt.
No. It’s none of their business. The children don’t care about your debt. Figure it out on your own and never at the expense of the children.
What to do?
If anything you are doing or arguing about does not help the children, right now where they are, you are failing them. This goes for BOTH parents.
Do what’s best for the kids. Right now.
Period.
So done.
More to come on this, sadly,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Mar 3, 2018 | Today
Divorce isn’t over when the marriage is, or even when the judgement is signed. It keeps going and going and going.
Sometimes I have advice and sometimes I need to get real and vent too. It’s more relatable and authentic that way any way.
In honor of my bad ass, take no shit, survivor, fighter, mom on her heavenly birthday, here we go:
- If you want to do less driving, start paying what you owe so things feel more equitable
- Get therapy, you have pain you’re not dealing with and it clouds your judgement
- If you’re co-habitating with a romantic partner, your spousal support will come to an end — start budgeting
- If you’re using child support intended for the minors to fund college for the adult kid instead, that’s your choice but you still have to pay 1/2 the medical bills for minors — and you will pay
- If you can afford to go on a “recouperation” trip for your live-in romantic partner, you can afford to pay your share of your kid’s prescription
- Also, you’ve had cosmetic surgery — so you know the difference — your kid’s needs aren’t cosmetic, crazy — try parenting
Times up y’all — the Shuckharts aren’t funding all the operations any more ✌️.
Time. is. up.
More to come,
Tanya S.
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