Blended Family Boundaries

by | Dec 17, 2018 | Today

With another year coming to a close, it’s a great time to start thinking about resetting boundaries for your blended family in 2019.  Cringe… I know, I know, but the reality is your kids are growing up and so you gotta figure this stuff out year-after-year! I get asked all the time how we do it… and since there are two blended families in our situation (I’m a stepmom of two boys, and my daughters have a stepmom [who is also a mom of two girls]), it’s been super important to keep what happens under our roof, consistent for all four of our kids. Because we can only control what happens in our home (you’ll read this a lot)! Here are three tips to help you plan a less stressful 2019:
  1.  Communication: Trade outs, scheduling, and logistics associated with all of it should be done in writing via email or text (preferably the former). Even if you have the best relationship with your ex, and the sharpest memory, no one can recall details without having them written down. You can’t remember what to get at the grocery store without a list (or Alexa), so it’s unlikely you’ll remember the nuances of changes in pick-up dates, times, locations and activities without writing them down, either. Especially true if you have multiple kids with various sports and school interests. NOTE: If you are in a high conflict and often stressful relationship with your ex, then I recommend Our Family Wizard. It keeps communication with your ex organized and separate from unrelated (professional or personal) correspondence you have with other people in your life. 
  2. Keep the kids out of the crossfire: This is probably the most important boundary and one many divorced parents can’t seem to respect. In our home, the kids are getting older and we’re encouraging them to voice their opinions, desires and suggestions.  However it is not their job to act as negotiator. Here’s a quick example: Our boys wanted to attend a function at our home, and another at their mom’s home. My husband and I agreed they should attend both. But negotiating how to get them to and from each of those functions was not their job. It was their mom and dad’s job. Neither boys drive nor do/did they have visibility into our household’s already planned commitments, so how could they possibly negotiate and, WHY SHOULD THEY? NOTE: You have no say (I MEAN ZERO) in what goes on in the kids’ other homes, only your own so encourage your kids to have a voice, but not to be a liaison. 
  3. Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em: Thank you Kenny. So again, you gotta do what works with your household and within the custody time you have.  In other words, when the kids are with you, they’re with you, and when they’re with your ex, they’re with your ex. I know you want to share this tradition and that, and you want to be the one to have the new experience with them, but you have to be respectful of the other side and the traditions and experiences happening there, too. Don’t get divorced if you don’t want to share. Sharing is caring, especially true during the holidays when you throw in extended blended families (don’t get me started lol)! Moms: You can’t start planting seeds in your kids’ minds and hearts about activities happening in and around your home when you know darn well they’re supposed to be with your ex. Stepmoms: same thing goes for you. NOTE: If it’s not your time with the kids, fold ’em. And if it’s something that could be super meaningful and you wanna hold ’em, then communicate it with your ex, first.  See number one and two above.  Communicate and leave the kids out of it.
Happy Holidays everyone and wishing you a peaceful 2019! More to come,  Tanya S.

Projecting 101

by | Nov 16, 2018 | Today

In case you aren’t aware, this visual image below will make it easy, thank you Wikipedia :).

#blameshifting

#projecting

It’s when you #projectyourfeelingsontoothers

#dealwithyourownshitfirst

#peace

The Art of Compromise

by | Oct 11, 2018 | Today

Can you? Do you?

Compromise?

Think critically before you answer. 

To truly compromise means you have to be ok with not getting what you want. It means you have give up something. Usually control. 

What have you compromised on lately in a meaningful way… ? Again, I’m talking acquiescing about something when you absolutely did not want to give-in.

Compromise is NOT about agreeing to something in which you are indifferent. 

It’s about willingly giving up something you previously dug your heels in to keep.

I neither have the time nor energy to unpack examples of both compromise and intransigence— but let me write this:

If you want circumstances and relationships to change, YOU be the change. Conversely if you are happy with the way things are, no behavioral or attitudinal changes need be applied ✌🏽

More to come,

Tanya B.

When You, “Couldn’t Have Said it Better Yourself”

by | Oct 2, 2018 | Today

Here we go with a divorce related blog post citing almost an entire article on Altruistic Narcissists authored by Dr. Suzana Flores with some anecdotal commentary from me in parentheticals. Dr. Flores’ words on this mental disorder resonated in a very real and tangible way with behaviors and characteristics I witness in someone, regularly.

Friends: Divorce, especially when kids are involved, sucks. Dealing with exes who display symptoms of one or a few personality disorders makes things even worse. Sure, we’re all a little nuts but some are more, how do I say, pathological, than others. On the bright side, the kids don’t stay minors forever. Time is on your side.

Altruistic narcissists are never accountable, even when they pretend to be. If they proclaim to take ownership for their actions, deep inside they dismiss your critiques by thinking [and overtly suggesting] that YOU are the one who is [stressed] insecure, crazy or jealous.

 

They like to project their insecurities onto others. Although they often mention their intelligence, they do not possess the emotional intelligence necessary in order to maintain a long-term relationship [nailed it]. Sooner or later, [sooner if there are no obligations, like kids] their partners will run for the hills and when they do, they can expect to be socially slandered [ie: “I’ll tell everyone we know including the kids that my husband left me and our family, for a new wife and family. And, tell them he doesn’t pay for child or spousal support. Doesn’t share custody either therefore I’m raising and educating 3 kids all on my own.” How dramatic. Truth is, she had a 1.5 year affair with a 25 year old hairdresser/bartender and that’s not even the number one reason why he left! Incidentally ‘he’ pays her 60% of his income and has since 2012 thereby financially providing for the kids he shares legal custody of]. It’s never the altruistic narcissist’s fault.

 

At the core of narcissist pathology is entitlement. When they want it, they feel entitled to your attention, money [yep], services, or admiration. More than other types of narcissists, the altruistic narcissist, in particular, compulsively displays over-the-top behavior in terms of giving whether it be gifts, attention, praise or advice [text book]. They believe that because they gave you so much, that you in turn should give them what they want, or behave in the manner they wish, without question. When you suggest that their demands are inappropriate [“My fiancé whom you’ve never met, and I, who you haven’t spoken to in six years, are inviting ourselves on your family vacation 500 miles away to have a drink and get good rapport rolling.”], they turn into either ‘the wounded child’ or a ‘callous bully’ [tries to run ex husband over with car] at the drop of a hat. When the altruistic narcissist feel slighted, they can even turn vengeful, spiteful and vindictive, often leaving their partners feeling blind-sided.

Indeed. Telling myself, and all the other parents in blended family situations to keep these kinds of distractions out of your home. Set boundaries with your exes, and for your family, even though the altruistic narcissist believes there are “no boundaries. none.”

Divorce is hard.

Thank you Dr. Flores.

More to come,
Tanya S.

Self Care and Truth

by | Aug 18, 2018 | Today

Turned a corner two days ago and I can finally see the healing light! Holy hell I feel more motivated and inspired than ever! 

But just days earlier, I was reaching my limit and feeling utterly defeated. I had started this Instagram draft below but abandoned it because it wasn’t “positive” enough… 

Fuck it… I’ve decided to push it out anyway (and here) because it is “honest” enough. I think it shows you a couple things:

  1. Vulnerability 
  2. Relatability 
  3. Self Care Lesson and,
  4. Inner Warrior

Never give up. And please, squash those negative thoughts every day. Because they will come everyday. Timing is always divine… this post helped me align. Why would I delete a part of my inner warrior?

Thank you self. For my pep talk. It worked! Warrior on, more to come,

Tanya S.

Here goes:

I’m not sure if I have ever complained more… (sorry family)… 30 days into this knee debacle and to say I’m “over it” is an understatement. 

I went from 5-7 miles of activity a day, to zero. Zero. Not even the grocery store. 

A few drives for the kids. And one Sunday movie (ouch. mistake). Otherwise just PT (physical therapy) or here… At home. At my desk or by my pool. That’s it. I’m going fucking stir crazy. And losing the tone I’d been working hard for. 

There. I said it. Out loud. How I really feel.
Ok, cue self pep talk: 

“Get over yourself already! There’s nothing fatally wrong, you didn’t need surgery, and you have a family that loves you, a pretty nice home and pool to sit by while you rest so, stawp. No one cares. You needed to slow down and you weren’t listening to your body’s gentle hints so it gave you one aggressive blow. Do the work and the recovery. Because you’re not gonna get better UNTIL you accept this is exactly where you are supposed to be. Vulnerable. Dependent. Learning patience. Learning a slower pace. Learning to let others lead. Learning to sit with your bent (not broken), swollen self while it heals.” 

Ok, fiiiiinnnnneee. So… I’ll practice surrender and grace so I can get better. ‘Cause God and anyone who will listen to me knows I really want to get better, fast. 

I promise to be less complainy, and a good (and patient) patient… everyone can come out now 🙂 😬😂 

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#honesty #vulnerability #love #grateful #slow #healing #patience #trust #enjoy #life #peace #family #present #oc #socal #mama #leadbyexample 

You Don’t Have to 👍🏽 Me

by | Aug 18, 2018 | Today

I’m fascinated with social media. I remember opening a MySpace account but not really knowing what the heck to do with it. I just liked being an early adopter of anything (still do). 

Fast forward to 2006 ish… I flew to Toronto to help a family member through a tough spell and recall then, learning about Facebook. It was a hit in Canada! 

I opened a Facebook account soon after that trip (maybe even on it) and loved it. Initially. 

Then, twitter! I opened my twitter account in 2009 and though I don’t tweet as much as I used to, I still really enjoy the platform! I use it to consume or push out (mostly) professional content. More consuming than tweeting. 

Ah, then Instagram!! Think I opened that account later than the others… because a) it wasn’t around yet obviously and b) when it was, I thought it was only for foodies… and nothing I prepared was ever gonna be worthy of a great feed (pun intended 😂).

So where am I going with this? 

Social media is about engagement. You need likes and followers to engage with. 

And if you don’t like me or my posts, you can just keep scrolling! No 👍🏽 or following required. It’s fabulous. 

I’d rather you do that anyway instead of judge me for what I post when it doesn’t comport with your idea about what I *should* post. Ya know? Stop being so judgy. What you see in me that you don’t like, you got in you. Spot it, you got it 😉.

Post away! I sure will :). 

Oh, and I’m not sure how I feel about Facebook anymore. 

Peace and more to come,

Tanya S.