by tanyabittner | Jun 20, 2014 | Today
When you’re having THE best days, best hours, or even best moments you want to tell EVERYONE! Many of us even shout it from the rooftops, I mean, Twitter and Facebook.
And that’s ok. You want to completely feel those endorphins. Drink in that joy. It’s contagious and we’re all innately in search of pleasure so why wouldn’t we want to share it with the world?
But if you have the discipline, when you’re on that natural high, it’s an excellent opportunity to remember that a sudden (perceived or real) misfortune can take your feelings of splendid to suspended, in just moments.
I say suspended – because it’s temporary. Many of us speed to extremes instead of just living peacefully at their intersection. Living in the present. I’m guilty of this myself.
By all means savor your splendidness, but awaken your modesty too. It’ll be so much easier to get your arms around those unlucky moments.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 25, 2014 | Today
Nope, last I checked it was blue. But in divorce, each party has their own sense of what’s real, and it changes by the moment.
First the disclaimer: I’m not an attorney, so by no means am I offering up any legal advice. And, if there is even a remote chance of reconciliation between you and your spouse/partner, then by all means, please take your time and make mindful decisions. (more…)
by tanyabittner | Mar 19, 2014 | Today
No amount of acting or pretending can imitate the honest, authentic, exuberant laughter from one child, let alone four – all at the same time – for hours on end!
We truly treasure the time the six of us have together. We listen to hear instead of to speakand these kids have so much to say! They tell each other and us, about their school days, school friends, weekend wishes, after school snacks, bathroom antics, homework, tests, favorite desserts, athletic practices, dance classes, and so much more.
It’s been just over a year since our two girls and two boys met and yet, it’s so hard to imagine a time when they didn’t know one another. They may not have the same biological parents, but these kids look out for one another in a way that only siblings do.
I’ve heard about how difficult and uncooperative it can be to blend families after divorce. But for now, we all seem to be outrunning the wild work being done to prevent us from bonding and loving each other.
We are fam-i-ly 🙂
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 18, 2014 | Today
You created a life together, made beautiful babies. Surely that common thread, woven through the fabric of your former life, is long enough to pull right through to your current one, bolstering some type of relationship with your ex, right?
Not so fast.
No one is perfect in divorce. In fact, it brings out the worst in everyone. Particularly if there are new relationships or remarriages thrown into the mix. For your own sanity, and that of your kids’, you have to learn to let go of your former life and your ex else that inner emptiness will consume you.
There’s no gentle way of putting it. Anyone who’s been through divorce has been a jerk at one time or another. It’s so emotional.
So who are you today?
Let’s break down the spectrum from Jerk to Grace:
Jerk ~ If you’re vitriolic – lying to your children about your ex, encouraging them to pick sides (splitting), one or more of your children has even developed his/her “own” campaign of denigration against your ex, and hasn’t spoken to him in more than a year – then the fibers of that aforementioned thread haven’t just unraveled. They’ve likely been cut with some very sharp scissors. To your ex, you’re the jerk.
Grace ~ If, on the other hand, you honor and speak respectfully about your ex around the kids, encourage/set up extra visitations, foster loving relationships among step children and step parents (if applicable), provide platforms for thoughtful exchanges despite the frustrating nuances that accompany the divorce process, then you have captured the essence of grace. Congratulations because this takes an enormous amount of patience and displays heaping amounts of love for your children. To your ex, maybe you’re not defined as the epitome of grace but you’re probably the friend.
Those two scenarios are polar opposites on the divorced mom spectrum. You may fall somewhere in between. But if you can admit you fall under the jerk category, here’s some tips:
Don’ts:
Don’t over communicate. This includes hiding under the guise of “it’s about the kids.” If it’s not emergent and doesn’t impact an existing custody/visitation order then there’s no need to communicate about it. Remember from your ex’s perspective above, you’re harming one or more of his kids. He doesn’t want to hear from you.
Don’t continue to request to “meet and confer” with your ex through your attorney. Your ex doesn’t want to meet and confer with you about anything and is tired of attorneys. He just wants the chapter of his life with you closed.
Don’t prevent your kids from communicating with their father. It’s painfully obvious to everyone involved when kids don’t reply to texts or phone calls. It’s worse when the kids lie about receiving the texts or calls because they don’t want to admit they’re not allowed to reply or engage. Kids know what’s going on. They won’t be kids forever and they will remember what you’re doing.
Do’s:
Do separate yourself from your kids when it comes to how your ex views the old family unit. Your ex divorced you, not his kids. Start looking at it that way and cut him some slack.
Do move on with your life. The emptiness you feel is because of an unhealthy attachment. Believe in yourself. Be a good role model of strength, not a martyr for your children.
Do love your children enough to let them love both of their parents. Kids should be allowed to feel they can freely love and talk about the other parent without disapproving glares or snarky remarks. You’re harming your children when you behave like that. You’re teaching them to disrespect.
Do be more secure in yourself as a mother. You were their first home. You don’t have to manipulate their little minds and hearts. You don’t have to make them dislike their father in order to stay loyal to you. You need to trust you.
Do start inching your way toward the graceful side of the spectrum in obvious, meaningful ways. It’s so much better for everyone if the dynamic between exes is left on simmer rather than boil.
Do forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made. No one is asking you to forgive anyone but you.
Co-parenting is an art form. Understanding that children need access to and nurturing from both their parents is the first step. Until you can reach that common, mutually respected ground and shed any sense of entitlement or superiority (that, you know best attitude), your children will continue to have front row seats to two separate movies.
Wonder which one they’ll remember the most when they’re grown…
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Feb 18, 2014 | Today
Yikes! Those two words pain and love should never live side-by-side, or… s h o u l d they?
Most people run from pain. They hide it (not particularly well) or push it down. Make no mistake, they’re hurting whether the pain is buried deep or not. I believe people who are hurting, in turn, hurt.
People who hurt, hurt.
When you stop running from pain, when you deal with it head on, separating it from all the story lines you’ve attached to it – the pain begins to fade. There’s more room to love and be loved.
This exercise is so powerful. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Thank you Pema Chodron.
It’s transformational. It’s alignment.
The stories you hold on to hurt far more than the pain itself. Strip away the story lines.
We can’t know love without pain. We need them both.
It just feels better to love.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 9, 2014 | Today
Today was one of the most bizarre days I’ve had in a long time. I won’t bore you with granular details, ok, yes I will, but in short, I thought I should give up on the day some time around 10:00 am, head to a bar, and order a Manhattan. This ever happen to you?
Reader’s digest version: my car was in the shop, the loaner wouldn’t start, I borrowed Brad’s (my fiance’s) car to get the kids to school (on time), then a short time later, borrowed a fourth car, to pick them up from school. AAA rocks by the way.
I said triple A – not A-A.
Had a promising prospective client call at 10:30 am and snuck off to the gym for a workout. So you could say things were looking up!
But, by 1:00 pm, while staring at the lunch bill (I had one daughter and her friend with me), I realized I didn’t have my wallet. Absentmindedly left it in a different spot at home after dealing with triple A guy earlier.
My drinking pal, I mean fellow mom, could have joined me and paid (I’d pay her back of course), but I knew with the day I was having, and in her fabulous company, that one Manhattan would have turned into two Tanhattans in a New York minute. Instead, my fiancé saved the day times two (remember I needed his car earlier) when he paid the lunch bill over the phone for me. Off I went to turn things around (again). It’s now maybe 1:15 pm ish.
Got my second daughter from school, picked up my car from the shop and headed home. Settled in at 3:00 pm to do some work before taking the girls to dance at 4:30 pm. Overheard from the bathroom, “hey mama, don’t forget the dance time changed today, so class is at 3:30 pm”.
Of course it is.
Ok, so I get them dropped at dance (on time), deliver the friend from earlier to her mom, then realize I desperately need gas. Remembered to grab my wallet, so this task is no problem. That is, until the giant Mastiff (redundant), in the back of the pick up truck parked in front of me, attacked a stranger. A-T-T-A-C-K-E-D. Now, before you get carried away, the victim was repeatedly warned to stay clear of the dog (I saw and heard the whole thing), he didn’t listen.
I was so freaked out I started to drive away with the gas pump still in my car (yes, the one just newly back from the mechanic shop). I drove straight to dance, grabbed the girls, and headed home – fast and safely.
It’s 8:00 pm, guess what I’m having…
Anyway, so you heard about the cocktails, where does the perspective come in and what’s this about gushy stuff?
I told Brad all about my bizarre day, every detail (really, there were so many nuances to each story line), chalk full of complaining even whining I’m sure, inflection changes in my voice for dramatic effect on select words, and plenty of cussing.
Cue perspective:
“No dwelling on it. U had a good call, worked out, had lunch with your daughter and her friend and your car is finally fixed. Not a bad day. “
Cue gushy stuff:
“Plus, I got to wake up next to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen who also happens to be the love of my life. That makes every day a good day for me. Xoxo”
We can all use a new perspective every now and then :-).
Cheers and, more to come,
Tanya B.
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