by tanyabittner | May 5, 2015 | Today
As a divorcee, I do NOT like the term “high-conflict divorce.” It implies both parties have high-conflict personalities. In my experience there’s been just one party who’s high-conflict. Family Law attorney, and former psychotherapist, William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD says this is pretty common, “… sometimes both parties to a dispute have High-Conflict Personalities, but in many cases there is only one High-Conflict Personality – the other party is fairly reasonable, simply trying to avoid the conflict or trying to get it under control”. Sometimes the only way to get it under control is to ask the court for help.
Bet if you do some digging, that same one party has likely displayed controlling, high-conflict personality traits toward friends and family (maybe even co-workers) for decades as opposed to being accommodating, calm, reasonable, and logical.
Don’t get me wrong. Divorce brings out THE WORST in people. But imagine someone has behaved manically since young adulthood (or younger) and has become rigid and inflexible with age. Then hit her (or him) with the reality of an impending divorce and heads – along with bank accounts – Will. Roll. They’ll use anything and anyone to seek revenge on you for leaving them, including their own kids.
I’ve identified a few traits of someone with a high-conflict personality based on eye witness accounts of a gnarly divorce, research and many private sessions with therapists extremely knowledgable about these types of personalities:
- Manic mood swings
- Responsibility avoidance (they never take responsibility for their role in anything – ever)
- Inability to reflect on their own (bad) behavior
- Grandious thinking (that, “I’ll show him” mentality)
- Blaming others (it’s always someone else’s fault; never theirs)
- Controlling behavior
- Manipulation
- Alienating kids from the other parent
- Insecurity
- Inability to empathize with others
- Fear of abandonment
- Lying (they distort the truth or make shit up all together)
- Even, stalking (or vandalizing… ie: throwing eggs at your car in the dead of night)
This person is a master manipulator. They’re cunning and they thrive on conflict. It’s their way or the highway. And you get sucked in. You become defensive. You want to point out how unreasonable and rigid they’re being. STOP!
These high-conflict personalities have absolutely no awareness of their own behaviors and they’re illogical. If you disagree with them or call them out on their bad behavior they feel “harassed.” It’s perceived as an attack. Though they will spew venom your way like nobody’s business (see bullet three above).
Virginia Gilbert, a marriage and family therapist (MFT) in LA offers this succinct advice,
“D I S E N G A G E.”
If you’re trying to get on with your life after leaving someone who has a high-conflict personality, here’s an analogy that worked for me with some more nuggets of advice folded in:
Your life, with its perfectly imperfect characters, is playing on broadway. The high-conflict ex’s life is playing off-broadway. She/he has created their own story lines, similar characters including one for your role. When you don’t say the right lines, the ones scripted for you – when you stop “acting”, the audience stops coming… and when the off-broadway show no longer has an audience… the curtain closes.
More to come,
Tanya B.
“It’s All Your Fault”: http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course075.php
“What Therapists Don’t Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/virginia-gilbert-mft/what-therapists-dont-tell_b_2622776.html
by tanyabittner | May 1, 2015 | Today
I love May! It’s one of those transitional months in our calendar year, tucked in nicely between Spring and Summer.
It heralds fresh start!
Get after what your heart desires this month.
Be the person you envy.
Align your life to receive greatness.
Enjoy the moments on your journey :).
More to come,
Tanya B. 
by tanyabittner | Apr 30, 2015 | Today
Say what?
It’s true, studies show that being touched has unbelievable and incalculable benefits on our psyche and even on our overall health.
Neurologist Shekar Raman, MD, in Richmond, Virginia says: “A hug, pat on the back, and even a friendly handshake are processed by the reward center in the central nervous system, which is why they can have a powerful impact on the human psyche, making us feel happiness and joy. And it doesn’t matter if you’re the toucher or touchee. The more you connect with others — on even the smallest physical level — the happier you’ll be.”
I can say for me, this is gospel (cue angels singing)! I’ll explain later. But, I know I’m on edge as soon as I start galvanizing over things that otherwise wouldn’t even receive one second of my attention or when the daily tasks in my life become unusually laborious: birthday parties, competitions, deadlines, travel, dance emails, projects, homework, testing, home cooking, endless meetings, ex-spouses, legal battles, et al ;).
Our to-do lists might look different, but you know you’re on edge when you don’t feel good inside, you’re frustrated, you’ve got negative thoughts flowing, and you’re energy is drained. I. So. Get. It.
Here’s where the angels sing for me: being touched makes it all better – it just simply WORKS! My husband sometimes has to wrestle me to the bed or pin me down while I’m scurrying about trying to “get it all done,” but when I sink into his arms, with my head on his heart, our legs all intertwined… within seconds, not minutes, I’m completely at ease, positive, and can conquer the world again :). Nothing beats it.
So if you’re having a bad day, a bad week – snuggle your spouse, your kids, your mom, dad, siblings… hell, even give your friends a big squeeze. Your soul will thank you. It’s likely theirs will too.
As cliche as it sounds, life is a journey. I love finding new ways on this path to make it better, happier, more productive, and more peaceful. We can all use a little more bliss.
More to come,
Tanya B.
Read more at WPBeginner: Health Benefits of Human Touch http://www.exhibithealth.com/general-health/health-benefits-of-human-touch-1345/
by tanyabittner | Apr 12, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires, Today
It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for what you want. Asking for love, happiness, security, peace, and even forgiveness may feel vulnerable, but that openness shows great fortitude and resilience. Why? Because you will be denied. Repeatedly. When it happens your pulse will race, your heart will hurt… real bad. Your bones will ache, you can feel utterly immobilized. But that two-way flow of honesty (asking + rejection) will feed your soul and that’s when it begins to trust you. You. Can’t. Have. Pleasure. Without. Pain. The courage to ask again and again even though you’ve been rejected before means there’s an expansion happening. There’s nothing weak about that.
And let me tell you, when you nail it… when what you ask for is met with this mirror of acceptance, you are elated! Your heart leaps, your skin feels electric! You’re transported to cloud nine with a whole new level of zeal for all of your desires. Not just a high of receiving what you asked for this time… you are empowered and open to ask for more!
Often times your mind can stretch far enough to keep asking despite the potential of being met with an unwanted answer, but your heart and soul may be slow to follow after being hurt and rejected. Sometimes it’s the other way around entirely. Your heart and soul forgive and start moving faster than your mind will allow.
But when the internal tug-of-war ceases, these magical parts of you synch up and start to work in tandem… that’s alignment… and you’ll begin to see those branches on the decision tree of life more clearly… more paths for asking will be revealed.
Take them. There’s strength in movement.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Apr 10, 2015 | Today
Ya, you! So let’s think about all the fantastic things happening in your life right now. Wait, what’s that? Nothing fantastic is happening? Bull Sh*!. Are you breathing? Is your heart beating? Presumably if you’re reading this, the answer to both of those questions is, yes.
Life! What an amazing concept…
Listen, I’m not going to trivialize or minimize any real frustrations, concerns, health issues, emotional needs, or grief you may have today. Believe me I have experienced them all myself. When I look back on those times of struggle in my life where I was led by my feelings, the one, silent, ever present participant in my journey, was life.
I was alive! I wasn’t living – but I was alive. And so are you! So let’s use that as a baseline today and work up from there, yes?
Today, I challenge you to remind yourself that you are remarkable. You are bold. You are kind. You are happy. You may not feel any of these things in the moment – but here’s a hint… keep saying those descriptive words to yourself over and over instead of the negative ones currently on replay in your head and you’ll be amazed at how quickly you start to feel and believe them.
It’s true. Bodacious you 🙂
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Apr 6, 2015 | Today
As Christians, we understand how very important this day is – it’s the day we believe Jesus was resurrected. His resurrection meant all kinds of things to believers, but primarily it meant HOPE that eternal life through Christ had been restored!
Today we spent some inspiring time with family. Our collective hope for an area of life that’s otherwise been met with many a heavy-heart, has been restored!
For the first time in two years, we have hope that two young members of our blended family will soon be freed from the destructive and damaging clutches of their topsy-turvy past so they may live out-loud, embracing the strong connections they have with their siblings, step-siblings, extended family members, and with us regardless of where they live; regardless of who they’re with.
We have hope that peace will abound, love will prevail, and the best interests of the children will be the first priority – always.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” Isaiah 43: 18-19
Happy Easter!
More to come,
Tanya B.
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