by tanyabittner | Jan 25, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
First heard this phrase about two years ago. I immediately balked at it. While in the throes of unraveling a life I had with someone else for 26-years, disrupting the “perfect” family and dismantling a business, the mere idea of hiding behind the buzz phrase, “live authentically” was laughable.
The argument I so often heard associated with that term had colorful variations of someone re-assessing their career, family, spouse, whomever, or, they found themselves feeling the urge to relive their teenage or college years differently.
And, because they were being painfully honest about it, they were living authentically. To me, it all just sounded like excuses to behave badly in the “now”.
For months after making some of the biggest decisions of my life, I felt the exact opposite of authentic – I felt completely invalid. But, there was no turning back and no regrets. That much I knew and accepted.
I was making choices with the end in mind.
To quote one of my closest friends, “I’m not one of these women who doesn’t know what she wants. I know exactly what I want”.
And, I have it.
To me, truly living authentically is living with intention, not flailing.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 20, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
I had a glass of wine the other night with a friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 12 years. Five years before that, I was in her wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, breathtaking even, but the reception turned into a brawl – yep, a full on fistfight. And, NO, it wasn’t between us!
Fast forward. Let’s call the friend, Benny. She’s a happy mama now, and while I always thought Benny would make a wonderful mother, it was universally known she never wanted kids. Alas, she became mom to a pretty, spunky, feisty little girl (very much like Benny). It’s actually an extremely tender story for another time.
Ok, back to Benny’s wedding. I don’t want to get into details, but basically, I witnessed an argument that culminated in bruised knuckles, split lips, and ripped tuxedos. Here we were at this gorgeous, high-end, Spanish-colonial wedding, and in an instant, it was an after school skirmish.
The long and short of it is this: I picked sides. Passionate beyond my 24 years at the time, I chose to side with the party who had been attacked. It was made clear I couldn’t have remained friends with them had I made any other decision and I genuinely loved them, so it felt right. Benny chose the side of the attackers, her friends of 15 years.
UGH! We were are all so young and foolhardy. The idea, let alone the power of forgiveness, certainly lived miles outside of my capacity to understand for close to two decades. I can’t speak for anyone else.
It should never have been about Benny and me. Ever. It was her freaking wedding for goodness sake!
Now, so much wiser and with far more love in my heart than ever before, I forgave myself for giving up a friendship over something so asinine and forgave her for doing the same. I asked Benny to forgive me too, and she did.
Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr., you always said it best:
“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.”
Forgiving isn’t easy to do. Sometimes wounds are infected over and over. That’s unhealthy and toxic. But, forgiveness and friendship are not mutually exclusive. You can forgive someone you don’t want to be friends with.
I’m happy to be friends with Benny.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 17, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
When I talk about listening to your heart – what I really mean is, think critically about what you’re hearing and how you’re interpreting or attributing it.
Are you being completely honest, partially honest, or, lying to yourself altogether?
I was asked recently, “How do you know the difference between your heart’s desires and just wanting to act on impulses”?
Great question! And, I’m not sure there is a difference.
Sometimes being impulsive or feeling compelled to do something, pushes you closer to happiness and alignment. Sometimes doing nothing at all, just being still, affords you the time to think long and hard about your heart’s desires. That is unless you’re using the still time to self loathe… no no no!!! That’s not you is it? Remember how awesome you are!
Maybe your heart’s desires include feeling peaceful about your career choice, maybe they’re aspirations of falling in love with the man or woman of your dreams whether you’ve met them or not, getting married, or getting out of a relationship your heart isn’t in anymore to realize your truth.
It could be the promotion you’ve worked so hard for finally coming to pass, your health improving, your income changing for the better, rescuing animals, advocating for something (for me it’s kids), being the best mom or dad on the planet, or simply, finding peace. Maybe it’s to travel the world, buy a house, star in a movie or climb Mt. Everest! Maybe, j u s t maybe… it’s all of the above!
Remember the goal here, is happiness. How do you become the happiest person you know?
I believe your heart, er’ you, know what you really want. But I also believe you have the ability to lie to it. Manipulate it. You can certainly talk yourself into something unrealistic by having an over exaggerated sense of your talents (for example, if you can NOT sing, not even a note, you’ll never win American Idol – you’re not listening to your heart, your lying to it). You can also talk yourself out of chasing a dream or desire actually within your reach – that can make you happy.
Sharp conversational turn here.
I can’t stress enough for my married readers that separation and divorce are not to be taken lightly. If you’re reading this blog with thoughts of ending your marriage, read carefully. If you want to take your life, (and for a while) turn it to shit emotionally, financially, and professionally; put your spouse through the same shit, ditto for your kids, for your in-laws, your parents, siblings, and friends, then you better get real comfy with change and the phrase, no regrets. That’s divorce. Even the most amicable ones, like mine.
Off my divorce soapbox (for) now.
Take a close listen to your heart, then, think critically. You’ll hear the answers soon enough. Doesn’t mean you (believe you) can or, will listen, let alone be open to change and ultimately, alignment. Listening also means, acknowledging the hard work that comes with aligning your life.
You have to make changes in order to realize that what you heard will actually make youhappier. That’s alignment.
Think about it.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 14, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
Read on redbookmag.com recently, that blogging is, (and I’m paraphrasing here) like “flinging your diary open for the world to see”.
Not sure a better analogy exists.
I’ve blogged for years. Mostly professional pieces focused on the high-end, exclusive, country club industry. Even became a specialist, consulting for some of the most luxurious clubs in the world. But these days, I’m blogging about personal/anecdotal, motivational stuff. It’s surprising how much you learn about you when you put yourself out there. Here goes (gulp).
As an adolescent thinking about how my future might play out, I certainly saw marriage, butnever imagined divorcing after 17 years of it, or becoming a mother of four (two are mine, two are my fiancés), and certainly never imagined that I wouldn’t be living in New York by now, editor of some hip news rag. Wrote my first article when I was eight, and later became editor of my junior college paper, so of course I was going to grow up to be a writer :-).
Looking back on my 41 years, (you know from earlier posts), I’ve suffered tremendous loss. Both parents, four of my siblings, the only grandmother I knew, an aunt and an uncle, have all died. Each of them passed from various illnesses including the big C (breast and pancreatic). I can tell you first hand, the grieving and coping process is B R U T A L. It can last years and years, and in my case, still lingers.
But, on the upside, I became a provincial championship dancer, trained in three types of classical ballet, danced with a ballet company at 12, modeled, did the pageant thing (that’s for another blog), and later, went on to put myself through college.
None of those things would be possible without the love and support from an amazing family. My surviving sisters are survivors. My heroes. They both embody the word, matriarch. No one can give you a reality check or a piece of humble pie like these two ladies!
And friends. Wow, do I have some amazing friends. Seriously. I just need to touch my heart and close my eyes for a minute… There, thought of each and every one them just then and smiled. So thankful.
I’ve also experienced significant career successes. I became a journalist, worked more than a decade in marketing and public relations, successfully launched two businesses, and on an even more personal note, am blessed to truly love and, be loved.
Yes, at 41 years young, I have a surprisingly critical, and yet deep understanding about what’s important in life given all my tragedies and triumphs.
It’s happiness. Not moments of greatness… just a steady stream of contentment.
I have happiness now because I started changing my life to closer align with my heart’s desires. I’m a becoming a better everyone now. Better mom, better sister, better friend, better colleague, and yes, soon, a better wife. It’s an organic process.
Try writing in your diary. That’s when your heart starts speaking. And with any luck, you’ll start listening. Get to know YOU.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Dec 30, 2013 | Thoughts & Desires
To show you that I intend to practice what I preach… and embark on this journey with you, here’s a glimpse of my 2014 desires.
I desire to:
- Blog (write) daily
- Finish my novel
- Secure a literary agent
- Marry the man of my dreams
- Launch my special project
- Rebrand and restructure my consulting firm
- Broaden my scope to more verticals, not offer more services
- Run more (which means, stay healthy enough to do so)
- Inspire and motivate others – especially all four of my kids
Now, the next step is to figure out how to align my life so that I can realize my desires.
Chasing your heart’s desires isn’t some new concept… it’s not “my idea”… it’s in centuries old teachings. What enabled me to recently embrace and adapt the concept was the idea of alignment. Anytime I ever actually ever got what I wanted, what my heart desired, was when I aligned everything in my life to make it happen. I’ve always had dreams, wants, hopes… but unless I aligned my life, I ignored my heart, and those dreams, wants, hopes did not come to pass.
Here’s just a few examples: I wanted to go to USC to pursue my undergrad degree. For a host of reasons, I didn’t. I didn’t align my life to make it happen. No one else’s fault.
I did however want children. Whether having my own or adopting. You’d better believe I focused on nothing else but having them, aligned my entire life around being prepared to have them – and, I have them: two daughters, and two soon-to-be, stepsons.
I can think of at least 10 more examples… bet you can think of a few on your own too.
The concept of alignment is actually very simple: everything I do, you do, everyday, must include something actionable, something intentional.
I’m in this with you. More to come.
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Dec 28, 2013 | Thoughts & Desires
I had hoped to mess around on tumblr a bit more before pushing out my initial post on alignment but, it seemed contradictory to the purpose of the evolving alignment theme – which, at its core is very simple: if you’re exerting energy on anything but realizing your heart’s desires, you’re not really living.
Bold statement, I know. But, think about it. What is your heart telling you it wants? How are you aligning your life to realize your desires?
Before you attempt to answer those loaded questions – you might first ask this one: who the hell am I to be offering tips on living anyway?
Here’s a mini-timeline:
Born ~ 1972
Father Died ~ 1980
Sister #1 Died ~ 1994
Grandmother Died ~ 1995 (1st family matriarch)
Brother #1 Died ~ 1997
Brother #2 Died ~ 2005
Mother Died ~ 2005 (2nd family matriarch, and arguably the great love of my life, died while I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter)
Sister #2 Died ~ 2009
Until 2011 (39 years old), I knew a lot about dying. I also hadn’t mourned for one of them. Crying was not allowed. You pulled yourself up by your boot straps and just kept “living”.
2012 and 2013 were critical years of alignment for me. In short (I’ll explain more in future posts), I ended a 17 year marriage, disassembled a 12 year old business, turned my children’s (now 12 and 7) lives completely upside down, moved three times, and, found the greatest love of my life.
After 39 years, I started listening to my heart’s desires. Instead of manufacturing and branding the perfect life, I started living.
I have to add, I am NOT an advocate of divorce. If you’re not ready to put your (and your spouse’s) entire family through shit, yes, shit, pain and suffering not unlike that of a death, lose friends, lose money, hurt your children, in some cases, lose your children, or have them alienated from you, then seek therapeutic help and work your ass off to save your marriage.
Today, I challenge you to list your heart’s desires. Not goals (although you’ll see these start to align), but list all the things you desire in this one life.
Remember, happiness is contagious.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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