by tanyabittner | Oct 2, 2018 | Today
Here we go with a divorce related blog post citing almost an entire article on Altruistic Narcissists authored by Dr. Suzana Flores with some anecdotal commentary from me in parentheticals. Dr. Flores’ words on this mental disorder resonated in a very real and tangible way with behaviors and characteristics I witness in someone, regularly.
Friends: Divorce, especially when kids are involved, sucks. Dealing with exes who display symptoms of one or a few personality disorders makes things even worse. Sure, we’re all a little nuts but some are more, how do I say, pathological, than others. On the bright side, the kids don’t stay minors forever. Time is on your side.
Altruistic narcissists are never accountable, even when they pretend to be. If they proclaim to take ownership for their actions, deep inside they dismiss your critiques by thinking [and overtly suggesting] that YOU are the one who is [stressed] insecure, crazy or jealous.
They like to project their insecurities onto others. Although they often mention their intelligence, they do not possess the emotional intelligence necessary in order to maintain a long-term relationship [nailed it]. Sooner or later, [sooner if there are no obligations, like kids] their partners will run for the hills and when they do, they can expect to be socially slandered [ie: “I’ll tell everyone we know including the kids that my husband left me and our family, for a new wife and family. And, tell them he doesn’t pay for child or spousal support. Doesn’t share custody either therefore I’m raising and educating 3 kids all on my own.” How dramatic. Truth is, she had a 1.5 year affair with a 25 year old hairdresser/bartender and that’s not even the number one reason why he left! Incidentally ‘he’ pays her 60% of his income and has since 2012 thereby financially providing for the kids he shares legal custody of]. It’s never the altruistic narcissist’s fault.
At the core of narcissist pathology is entitlement. When they want it, they feel entitled to your attention, money [yep], services, or admiration. More than other types of narcissists, the altruistic narcissist, in particular, compulsively displays over-the-top behavior in terms of giving whether it be gifts, attention, praise or advice [text book]. They believe that because they gave you so much, that you in turn should give them what they want, or behave in the manner they wish, without question. When you suggest that their demands are inappropriate [“My fiancé whom you’ve never met, and I, who you haven’t spoken to in six years, are inviting ourselves on your family vacation 500 miles away to have a drink and get good rapport rolling.”], they turn into either ‘the wounded child’ or a ‘callous bully’ [tries to run ex husband over with car] at the drop of a hat. When the altruistic narcissist feel slighted, they can even turn vengeful, spiteful and vindictive, often leaving their partners feeling blind-sided.
Indeed. Telling myself, and all the other parents in blended family situations to keep these kinds of distractions out of your home. Set boundaries with your exes, and for your family, even though the altruistic narcissist believes there are “no boundaries. none.”
Divorce is hard.
Thank you Dr. Flores.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Sep 20, 2018 | Thoughts & Desires
Hiya 🙂
Welcome back! You’ve probably noticed I’ve moved on from the, “you can do it”, “your future is bright”, “the world is your oyster, go get it” posts. Not that there’s anything wrong with those types of junior motivational messages, but you’re more sophisticated than that now. I can tell. You’ve evolved with me, and we’re six years into this practice of alignment, positivity and peace! Six years! Wowzie. You’re needing something a lot more introspective, relatable, and tangible. Because, you’re introspective, relatable, and tangible 😉.
I haven’t abandoned my writings on blended families either! That will be a cornerstone of everything I/we create because our families are forever blended and, there are so many nuances to divorced and remarried life there’s just no way anyone can traverse these peaks and valleys without extra doses of strength and grace (ha!). I need it. You need it.
We ALL need help. Especially single moms. I have e x t r a compassion for you.
But, right now our latest strength and grace “need”, is around the kids heading to college. Actually, wait. No.
What’s maybe even more important is, some of the kids are entering the: I’m an 18 year old, I can go wherever I want and see whichever parent I want, whenever I want, phase of ‘life after divorce’. And, it’s fucking glorious. I can already tell how Karma will likely either settle her scores or cash-out with those who’ve made the real sacrifices. Wonder where the kids will choose to be on holidays and summer breaks 🤔…
Anyway, point is I’m working on new ways to help as we move through the years, together. With new content, a new brand, new direction, even contributors! All of it. In my spare evenings (which I’m both grateful for and sad about at the same time). I’m thankful for kid-free, five-hour dance nights, four times a week — where we can dream, strategize, and calendar our goals (ok, I mean have wine 🍷 😂). But, seriously we’re also basically empty-nesters in training. Our four kids are in school all day and LITERALLY gone all evening either because they live other places during the school week, or they dance from after school until 9:30 at night (and oftentimes I’m asleep before they make their way home at 10pm).
See how the topics are changing? These new challenges need to be explored and thoroughly discussed in a thoughtful way, not glossed over. Alas, I promise to revamp the look, feel, purpose and functionality of this site in 2019. We need a more aligned, evolved digital presence with content that marries the blog with my book editing and publishing journey (@thelandofmanywaters).
We’re at the baby-crawling/infancy stage with this project, but wanted you to know we’re on it. We’re collaborating with an award winning, global branding firm, Partners and Hawes next spring (our first official meeting may even be IN Puerto Vallarta!!) and exciting things and tools are on the horizon for everyone, including you!
Ahhhh, P E A C E. Progress. I’ll take ‘em both when I can get ‘em and right now, I got ‘em ✌🏽!
Meantime, let’s talk about REACTIONS. Sorry, sharp convo turn ☺️.
Ok. Reactions? Why? Weeellll, it’s part of the practice and feels like I should leave you with something to work on after all this reading :). So, you already know that the alignment practice is paying off when you react LESS AND LESS to the negative energy flying at you multiple times a day. It’s because you’re simply (with great difficulty) staying in your peace lane more often than veering into the fast-paced, fast-reacting, lane.
Right.
Now, I’m not suggesting ever – that you ignore or take on a spectator’s role in all the negative stuff happening. No. But no matter what you’re going through or who it involves, this practice isn’t about “them”. Quite the opposite… it’s ALL about, you.
I’m talking about staying in *your* center and in *your* honest ego-less, truth. Ego-Less.
But first, you gotta own your shit darling. You gotta know when you’ve been a jerk. You. Not them. If you carry your head high and never, not once, ever, think you’ve done anything wrong in your past or present, believing you have never been unreasonable, nasty, dishonest, intentionally crossed a line or been manipulative, a day in your life, then you need this community we’re building more than anyone. And, you should probably be in a therapeutic environment — stat.
Disclaimer: I’m not talking about heavy stuff here like sexual abuse or harassment. If you’re a victim, you are not responsible for anything that happened to you. That’s not what this post is about. But we will talk about these issues on the new site. They’re close to home.
We need humble healers, broken hearts *and* minds, angry and happy warrior prince and princesses, and all the do-gooders. We even need the, let’s say… expressive and explosive, exes. For example, when cameras are rolling unbeknownst to you, as you’re picking up your kids from your ex’s house and you peel out of his driveway before your kid closes his door, nearly running dad over in the process, you have some *serious healing* to do and self accountability to practice. Don’t ever fucking do it again. But, you are still welcome here :).
Ok, carrying on… REACTIONS. You are going to have encounters with people who are more spiritually and emotionally mature than you, and you will come in contact with people who have less spiritual and emotional maturity, than you. We need to engage with both kinds of people to practice. I will tell you first hand, the most mature ones often frustrate me equally as much as they teach me, because they really have their stuff together. They’re the obvious teachers, ok.
But the least mature ones are actually the “best teachers”! Why? They have no clue what they’re doing. They’re just fire-hosing their shit everywhere leaving you to dodge left, right and center. Leaving you to REACT. To Them. Which is the lesson isn’t it… how to react. Well, we start from a place of understanding.
“We can only control ourselves and meet people as far as they are willing and able to meet us.” – unknown.
Practice for you.
I’ve gotta jet, but can’t wait to come back to you soon! Meantime, follow me on instagram if you haven’t already @media_tanya (oh, that handle’s changing soon too)!
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Aug 18, 2018 | Today
Turned a corner two days ago and I can finally see the healing light! Holy hell I feel more motivated and inspired than ever!
But just days earlier, I was reaching my limit and feeling utterly defeated. I had started this Instagram draft below but abandoned it because it wasn’t “positive” enough…
Fuck it… I’ve decided to push it out anyway (and here) because it is “honest” enough. I think it shows you a couple things:
- Vulnerability
- Relatability
- Self Care Lesson and,
- Inner Warrior
Never give up. And please, squash those negative thoughts every day. Because they will come everyday. Timing is always divine… this post helped me align. Why would I delete a part of my inner warrior?
Thank you self. For my pep talk. It worked! Warrior on, more to come,
Tanya S.
Here goes:
I’m not sure if I have ever complained more… (sorry family)… 30 days into this knee debacle and to say I’m “over it” is an understatement.
I went from 5-7 miles of activity a day, to zero. Zero. Not even the grocery store.
A few drives for the kids. And one Sunday movie (ouch. mistake). Otherwise just PT (physical therapy) or here… At home. At my desk or by my pool. That’s it. I’m going fucking stir crazy. And losing the tone I’d been working hard for.
There. I said it. Out loud. How I really feel.
Ok, cue self pep talk:
“Get over yourself already! There’s nothing fatally wrong, you didn’t need surgery, and you have a family that loves you, a pretty nice home and pool to sit by while you rest so, stawp. No one cares. You needed to slow down and you weren’t listening to your body’s gentle hints so it gave you one aggressive blow. Do the work and the recovery. Because you’re not gonna get better UNTIL you accept this is exactly where you are supposed to be. Vulnerable. Dependent. Learning patience. Learning a slower pace. Learning to let others lead. Learning to sit with your bent (not broken), swollen self while it heals.”
Ok, fiiiiinnnnneee. So… I’ll practice surrender and grace so I can get better. ‘Cause God and anyone who will listen to me knows I really want to get better, fast.
I promise to be less complainy, and a good (and patient) patient… everyone can come out now 🙂 😬😂
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#honesty #vulnerability #love #grateful #slow #healing #patience #trust #enjoy #life #peace #family #present #oc #socal #mama #leadbyexample
by tanyabittner | Aug 18, 2018 | Today
I’m fascinated with social media. I remember opening a MySpace account but not really knowing what the heck to do with it. I just liked being an early adopter of anything (still do).
Fast forward to 2006 ish… I flew to Toronto to help a family member through a tough spell and recall then, learning about Facebook. It was a hit in Canada!
I opened a Facebook account soon after that trip (maybe even on it) and loved it. Initially.
Then, twitter! I opened my twitter account in 2009 and though I don’t tweet as much as I used to, I still really enjoy the platform! I use it to consume or push out (mostly) professional content. More consuming than tweeting.
Ah, then Instagram!! Think I opened that account later than the others… because a) it wasn’t around yet obviously and b) when it was, I thought it was only for foodies… and nothing I prepared was ever gonna be worthy of a great feed (pun intended 😂).
So where am I going with this?
Social media is about engagement. You need likes and followers to engage with.
And if you don’t like me or my posts, you can just keep scrolling! No 👍🏽 or following required. It’s fabulous.
I’d rather you do that anyway instead of judge me for what I post when it doesn’t comport with your idea about what I *should* post. Ya know? Stop being so judgy. What you see in me that you don’t like, you got in you. Spot it, you got it 😉.
Post away! I sure will :).
Oh, and I’m not sure how I feel about Facebook anymore.
Peace and more to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Jul 31, 2018 | Today
Oh, hi 👋!
Sorry it’s been a fortnight (ok, longer than that), since I’ve blogged. I’ve been globetrotting, I mean, chaperoning my daughters in three states where they’ve danced from mid June until the end of July. I hardly saw them. But at least their heads hit pillows each night under the same roof as me. So eternally grateful to work remotely.
With August around the corner, it feels like a new slate; new chance to reset. At home. But wowsie, we’ve had a few interesting months… You too?
The nuances and details aren’t worth recapping, but the big picture stuff is. Lots of growth: in spirit, in faith, in dance, and in love. Here’s the quick and dirty:
Spirit
This one is fun because for me, character has everything to do with, spirit. Our character, our soul, the emotional us… and the last two months I’ve experienced a spiritual maturation. It started with putting my emotional needs and boundaries above everyone else’s. Everyone. I finally accepted that I can’t help or advise anyone if I’m not right as rain, first. The result = Less reactionary, more understanding.
Faith
Ok whoa. My daily devotions are EVERYTHING. My walk with God has never been closer. If I don’t start my day with these bible versus, by noon I literally feel the gentle tug of the Lord calling me to those pages. He’s close. And my faith and trust in Him has grown leaps and bounds! Especially during the trying times… and right now, these knees are giving me some trying times! Through faith, I can get out of the funks, and the feel sorry for myself vibes, much faster.
Dance
Not a lot to say here, except that both girls have experienced robust growth in their craft and confidence but, more importantly they know what they want and what they definitely do not want from their training, their art, and for their future goals and evolving emotional well being. So happy for them!
Love
Not just in my marriage and special relationships with each of my kids… but the love between friends, colleagues and (most all of) my family members feels reciprocal, deeper, bigger, more interconnected, compassionate, and evolved.
growth groWTH GROWTH!
Lessons and truth: the only reason I was open to this evolution was because my hair started falling out, in massive clumps. And then because, vanity… I knew it was time to change! The genesis of your transformation is irrelevant. Whatever gets you *growing* in the right direction is all that matters!!
I have some hurdles to overcome in the next few weeks, then some recovery. So I’ll be down for awhile, but never out!
More to come,
Tanya S.
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