by tanyabittner | Feb 17, 2019 | Today
Radical concept? Nope. Just a, “compassionate guide to living” from the extraordinary author and Buddhist monk, Pema Chodrön. If you’ve read my blog since 2012, you’ll know she’s my absolute favorite and I quote her regularly.
Picked some of her readings up again the other day because my alignment has been WAAYYY off… so I vow to:
Reclaim my compassionate heart.
Yes please!! And I’ll have some humble pie on the side, too :). How about you?
Finding your compassionate heart is only difficult if you make a big deal out of it. Only if you resist. Don’t resist 🙃.
Listen, we’ve all been there. Stumbled some, been out of sorts, edgy, feisty, ridiculous (in a bad way), moody, foggy, hurt, angry, impatient, snarky, nosey, intentionally grouchy because it’s easier, judgey, distant and indifferent.
And if you can’t admit you’ve ever been “that person”, probs stop reading. We clearly can’t relate, and you’re, well, you’re just lying.
So, stop.
Breathe.
Take your tongue off the roof of your mouth, soften the outer edges of your lips, quiet your negative mind, and say something (out loud) that you like about someone you’re pissed at. Maybe that someone is, you. I’ve definitely been mad at myself (waves hand, 👋 me me!!).
If you focus on what you don’t like it’s all you’ll see — more things you don’t like. If you focus on what you DO like, you’ll begin to see more and more of what pleases you.
About you. About them. About everyone.
“Embracing rather than denying the painful aspects of our lives.” – Pema Chodrön
Emotional healing (starting where you are) isn’t linear and how you go about it is as unique as DNA, but I do highly recommend a therapeutic environment to help in your healing. I’ve been healing this way and that, for decades.
In fact, I’ve almost lived FIVE decades. Wait, what?
Yes 🙌🏼
I’ll turn 47 this year and definitely have ample life experiences to draw some good blog content and learnings from. If there’s one thing I know, for sure, it’s that it’s never too late to pivot and do better, do different, do happier.
Do Compassionate Living.
Ah, yessss. There it is. It’s a choice. Don’t resist it. Start looking for the good. You’ll find it’s superabundant (one word) 🤗.
Then, start. Right where you are.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Dec 31, 2018 | Today
I can’t tell you when it happened exactly, or why. I’ve searched for a smoking gun, a silver bullet, and, can’t find one. No health scare, no loss, no windfall, no trajedy, no significant change of any kind except, inside of me.
I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and maybe it will. I’ve even tried to shake it. Which sounds crazy if you knew that what I was trying to dust off my shoulders, was this whole sense of and desire for, harmony.
The only way I can describe it is, like a balloon… This analogy came to me while skimming through Instagram and seeing a quote that read something like, (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the quote anymore), “let it go like a balloon so it doesn’t come back like a boomerang”… seems simple enough :).
I don’t think I’m the balloon — instead, maybe it represents my worries, problems, fears, insecurities and doubts. Aka: control. And it appears as though I’ve let go?
That’s fucking nuts.
Not the balloon concept, you and I can get our heads around that, pretty easily. But, who doesn’t have worries, problems, fears, insecurities and doubts? I MUST. I have to (be in control). Who am I if I’m not constantly worried about someone or something?
Who is this new person with clarity, new found creativity, calmness and extra compassion for those I know have wronged me or my loved ones?
She’s right here, with an open and vulnerable heart.
There was no (real or figurative balloon) send off, no ceremony. It’s just the only comparison I’ve come across to explain this light, airy, wonderment I’m experiencing. It’s not like there isn’t shit happening, there is! But, I’m unbothered by it… still. I choose harmony. Peace.
I’m not, “ignoring” because that would be, pretending. Pretending there’s no problem, no bill, no need to take action, no requirement to communicate… you get it. Nah, this is real life baby!
Pretending something is or isn’t the case won’t make it disappear. In fact… cue that boomerang analogy or, how about a buoy? You can keep pushing it under the water, but as soon as you let go, it’s coming right back up at you. Balloons though… will drift off… up, up, up… you can’t catch them even if you want to. I’ve tried :).
Ignorance is not bliss.
No. Unbothered, in the sense that I acknowledge there are messes and they need to be cleaned up. But I’m not anxious about dealing with them or worried about whether I’m the only one who will. With grace, I’ll just do what needs to be done for the greater good and I’m finding the peace in that responsibility without need for reciprocity. Though when I’ve received grace in kind, it feels so good 😊.
Perhaps it’s just a deeper healing or maturation. Either way, extremely happy to wonder and wander along, untethered to the anxiety of life for now. This change of heart is most welcome, and so is the laughter 🤣.
Peace out loves, more to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Dec 17, 2018 | Today
With another year coming to a close, it’s a great time to start thinking about resetting boundaries for your blended family in 2019. Cringe… I know, I know, but the reality is your kids are growing up and so you gotta figure this stuff out year-after-year!
I get asked all the time how we do it… and since there are two blended families in our situation (I’m a stepmom of two boys, and my daughters have a stepmom [who is also a mom of two girls]), it’s been super important to keep what happens under our roof, consistent for all four of our kids. Because we can only control what happens in our home (you’ll read this a lot)!
Here are three tips to help you plan a less stressful 2019:
- Communication: Trade outs, scheduling, and logistics associated with all of it should be done in writing via email or text (preferably the former). Even if you have the best relationship with your ex, and the sharpest memory, no one can recall details without having them written down. You can’t remember what to get at the grocery store without a list (or Alexa), so it’s unlikely you’ll remember the nuances of changes in pick-up dates, times, locations and activities without writing them down, either. Especially true if you have multiple kids with various sports and school interests. NOTE: If you are in a high conflict and often stressful relationship with your ex, then I recommend Our Family Wizard. It keeps communication with your ex organized and separate from unrelated (professional or personal) correspondence you have with other people in your life.
- Keep the kids out of the crossfire: This is probably the most important boundary and one many divorced parents can’t seem to respect. In our home, the kids are getting older and we’re encouraging them to voice their opinions, desires and suggestions. However it is not their job to act as negotiator. Here’s a quick example: Our boys wanted to attend a function at our home, and another at their mom’s home. My husband and I agreed they should attend both. But negotiating how to get them to and from each of those functions was not their job. It was their mom and dad’s job. Neither boys drive nor do/did they have visibility into our household’s already planned commitments, so how could they possibly negotiate and, WHY SHOULD THEY? NOTE: You have no say (I MEAN ZERO) in what goes on in the kids’ other homes, only your own so encourage your kids to have a voice, but not to be a liaison.
- Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em: Thank you Kenny. So again, you gotta do what works with your household and within the custody time you have. In other words, when the kids are with you, they’re with you, and when they’re with your ex, they’re with your ex. I know you want to share this tradition and that, and you want to be the one to have the new experience with them, but you have to be respectful of the other side and the traditions and experiences happening there, too. Don’t get divorced if you don’t want to share. Sharing is caring, especially true during the holidays when you throw in extended blended families (don’t get me started lol)! Moms: You can’t start planting seeds in your kids’ minds and hearts about activities happening in and around your home when you know darn well they’re supposed to be with your ex. Stepmoms: same thing goes for you. NOTE: If it’s not your time with the kids, fold ’em. And if it’s something that could be super meaningful and you wanna hold ’em, then communicate it with your ex, first. See number one and two above. Communicate and leave the kids out of it.
Happy Holidays everyone and wishing you a peaceful 2019!
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Nov 16, 2018 | Today
In case you aren’t aware, this visual image below will make it easy, thank you Wikipedia :).
#blameshifting
#projecting
It’s when you #projectyourfeelingsontoothers
#dealwithyourownshitfirst
#peace
by tanyabittner | Oct 11, 2018 | Today
Can you? Do you?
Compromise?
Think critically before you answer.
To truly compromise means you have to be ok with not getting what you want. It means you have give up something. Usually control.
What have you compromised on lately in a meaningful way… ? Again, I’m talking acquiescing about something when you absolutely did not want to give-in.
Compromise is NOT about agreeing to something in which you are indifferent.
It’s about willingly giving up something you previously dug your heels in to keep.
I neither have the time nor energy to unpack examples of both compromise and intransigence— but let me write this:
If you want circumstances and relationships to change, YOU be the change. Conversely if you are happy with the way things are, no behavioral or attitudinal changes need be applied ✌🏽
More to come,
Tanya B.
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