by tanyabittner | Feb 18, 2014 | Today
Yikes! Those two words pain and love should never live side-by-side, or… s h o u l d they?
Most people run from pain. They hide it (not particularly well) or push it down. Make no mistake, they’re hurting whether the pain is buried deep or not. I believe people who are hurting, in turn, hurt.
People who hurt, hurt.
When you stop running from pain, when you deal with it head on, separating it from all the story lines you’ve attached to it – the pain begins to fade. There’s more room to love and be loved.
This exercise is so powerful. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Thank you Pema Chodron.
It’s transformational. It’s alignment.
The stories you hold on to hurt far more than the pain itself. Strip away the story lines.
We can’t know love without pain. We need them both.
It just feels better to love.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Feb 17, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
I’m talking specifically about personal boundaries. The ones so often violated by acquaintances, friends, ex-friends, exes, even bosses and colleagues.
This is an interesting and uncomfortable topic, right? I mean, for you to really align your life you need to have clearly defined boundaries – and sometimes you have to say no to get ahead personally as well as professionally.
And you need to be ok with saying it (no).
You have to keep your desires at the forefront. Remember, energy flows where attention goes. You want to be giving attention to the people and activities that matter most to you. Having energy flow to any thing or any one else is a waste of your time. And theirs.
But, this is a two-way street. You have to make sure you’re respectful of others’ boundaries too.
Here’s the Wikipedia explanation of boundaries:
“Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.”
I think Wikipedia nails it. Paraphrasing the standouts:
“… permissible ways for other people to behave around you…” and “your boundaries are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, and past experiences…”.
Said more simply, it’s where you end and someone else begins.
There’s just a universally accepted imaginary line between you and others. It’s when someone behaves as though there are no boundaries between themselves and you that there’s a problem.
Saying no to them doesn’t have to come from a place of withdrawal or anger. They may perceive it that way and that’s their problem. It should come from a healthy place, fromhealthy boundaries you’ve set for your happiness and your alignment.
You might not know precisely where you sit on the boundary spectrum until you begin to make significant life changes and establish (or re-establish) your imaginary lines. And that’s ok. Trust me, when one of your boundaries has been violated, you’ll know it.
Similarly, if you’re astute, you’ll know when you’ve violated someone else’s.
For example, if you’re at a soccer field and you try to engage with someone who is closed off, gives you clipped answers, has no eye contact with you, and has even said ‘no’ to a request for a hug, you are most definitely violating a personal boundary!
Get aligned.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Feb 4, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
When you’re ready to stop seeing yourself as “the one who was wronged” or “the victim” then this post – no, this entire blog – is for you.
But, if you’re still (perhaps unknowingly) playing the role of martyr in your own life, then most of what’s crafted here will make you really uncomfortable. I hope you’ll read it anyway.
Ok, so, speaking of reading, I’m in the throes of this amazing book! When I’ve finished it, I’ll offer up a full review. Meantime, the content is challenging me in the most spiritual and visceral of ways. It’s the concept of alignment on steroids! It’s super-charging my passion for encouraging people to make meaningful life changes and realize their true desires.
If you already have everything your heart wants – YAY YOU!!! But for those of us who don’t (yet), we need to keep evolving and refining. Shaking things up. And, isn’t it the very concept of change that keeps us so, stuck?
Think about it.
Our fear of change immobilizes us in much the same way as the suffering we feel from maintaining the status quo does.
Go ahead, re-read that last sentence. It’s powerful.
I can’t tell you what changes you need to make in your life to be the happiest person you know. But, I can tell you that as someone who is on the journey real-time, I’m learning there is an uplifting sense of freedom in knowing you’re simply moving. You’re not yet victorious, but you’re not doomed either.
I’m learning that as groundless and uncertain as change seems, you absolutely must interrupt old ways of thinking, working, exercising, loving, even existing, in order to make way for your heart’s desires.
You also have to be accountable. Look back on all of the choices you made and ahead to the changes you’ll make. Own them.
You didn’t think it would be easy… did you?
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 25, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
First heard this phrase about two years ago. I immediately balked at it. While in the throes of unraveling a life I had with someone else for 26-years, disrupting the “perfect” family and dismantling a business, the mere idea of hiding behind the buzz phrase, “live authentically” was laughable.
The argument I so often heard associated with that term had colorful variations of someone re-assessing their career, family, spouse, whomever, or, they found themselves feeling the urge to relive their teenage or college years differently.
And, because they were being painfully honest about it, they were living authentically. To me, it all just sounded like excuses to behave badly in the “now”.
For months after making some of the biggest decisions of my life, I felt the exact opposite of authentic – I felt completely invalid. But, there was no turning back and no regrets. That much I knew and accepted.
I was making choices with the end in mind.
To quote one of my closest friends, “I’m not one of these women who doesn’t know what she wants. I know exactly what I want”.
And, I have it.
To me, truly living authentically is living with intention, not flailing.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 20, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
I had a glass of wine the other night with a friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 12 years. Five years before that, I was in her wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, breathtaking even, but the reception turned into a brawl – yep, a full on fistfight. And, NO, it wasn’t between us!
Fast forward. Let’s call the friend, Benny. She’s a happy mama now, and while I always thought Benny would make a wonderful mother, it was universally known she never wanted kids. Alas, she became mom to a pretty, spunky, feisty little girl (very much like Benny). It’s actually an extremely tender story for another time.
Ok, back to Benny’s wedding. I don’t want to get into details, but basically, I witnessed an argument that culminated in bruised knuckles, split lips, and ripped tuxedos. Here we were at this gorgeous, high-end, Spanish-colonial wedding, and in an instant, it was an after school skirmish.
The long and short of it is this: I picked sides. Passionate beyond my 24 years at the time, I chose to side with the party who had been attacked. It was made clear I couldn’t have remained friends with them had I made any other decision and I genuinely loved them, so it felt right. Benny chose the side of the attackers, her friends of 15 years.
UGH! We were are all so young and foolhardy. The idea, let alone the power of forgiveness, certainly lived miles outside of my capacity to understand for close to two decades. I can’t speak for anyone else.
It should never have been about Benny and me. Ever. It was her freaking wedding for goodness sake!
Now, so much wiser and with far more love in my heart than ever before, I forgave myself for giving up a friendship over something so asinine and forgave her for doing the same. I asked Benny to forgive me too, and she did.
Thank you Martin Luther King, Jr., you always said it best:
“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.”
Forgiving isn’t easy to do. Sometimes wounds are infected over and over. That’s unhealthy and toxic. But, forgiveness and friendship are not mutually exclusive. You can forgive someone you don’t want to be friends with.
I’m happy to be friends with Benny.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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