by tanyabittner | Mar 20, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
We all get bogged down with daily stresses and responsibilities. It’s so easy to fall back into our old (bad) habits.
I am super-guilty of regressing when it comes to things being outside of my control. I want people to do good. When (I think) they aren’t, it makes me irritable.
But I care more about bringing happiness to my family than anything else in the world. I know that showing them joy comes easiest when I’m listening to my heart’s desires and practicing aligning my life. Not anyone else’s.
I’m not putting their happiness above mine – what kid wants their parents to suffer for them? No kid wants that. I’m letting them see my happiness, my joy, my love, so they can want the same or more for themselves.
So, when I start to get irritable, or even when I’ve boiled over, that’s when I practice self-honesty. As the luminary, Pema Chodron teaches, self-honesty is when you remember to “be friends with you”. Admit to yourself you’ve lost sight of your intentions (aka: desires). You know, those things you need energy to flow toward in order to realize the life you’ve always wanted?
Ah ha!
It’s never too late to be good to you. Reaffirm your intentions. Pass it on.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 19, 2014 | Today
No amount of acting or pretending can imitate the honest, authentic, exuberant laughter from one child, let alone four – all at the same time – for hours on end!
We truly treasure the time the six of us have together. We listen to hear instead of to speakand these kids have so much to say! They tell each other and us, about their school days, school friends, weekend wishes, after school snacks, bathroom antics, homework, tests, favorite desserts, athletic practices, dance classes, and so much more.
It’s been just over a year since our two girls and two boys met and yet, it’s so hard to imagine a time when they didn’t know one another. They may not have the same biological parents, but these kids look out for one another in a way that only siblings do.
I’ve heard about how difficult and uncooperative it can be to blend families after divorce. But for now, we all seem to be outrunning the wild work being done to prevent us from bonding and loving each other.
We are fam-i-ly 🙂
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 18, 2014 | Today
You created a life together, made beautiful babies. Surely that common thread, woven through the fabric of your former life, is long enough to pull right through to your current one, bolstering some type of relationship with your ex, right?
Not so fast.
No one is perfect in divorce. In fact, it brings out the worst in everyone. Particularly if there are new relationships or remarriages thrown into the mix. For your own sanity, and that of your kids’, you have to learn to let go of your former life and your ex else that inner emptiness will consume you.
There’s no gentle way of putting it. Anyone who’s been through divorce has been a jerk at one time or another. It’s so emotional.
So who are you today?
Let’s break down the spectrum from Jerk to Grace:
Jerk ~ If you’re vitriolic – lying to your children about your ex, encouraging them to pick sides (splitting), one or more of your children has even developed his/her “own” campaign of denigration against your ex, and hasn’t spoken to him in more than a year – then the fibers of that aforementioned thread haven’t just unraveled. They’ve likely been cut with some very sharp scissors. To your ex, you’re the jerk.
Grace ~ If, on the other hand, you honor and speak respectfully about your ex around the kids, encourage/set up extra visitations, foster loving relationships among step children and step parents (if applicable), provide platforms for thoughtful exchanges despite the frustrating nuances that accompany the divorce process, then you have captured the essence of grace. Congratulations because this takes an enormous amount of patience and displays heaping amounts of love for your children. To your ex, maybe you’re not defined as the epitome of grace but you’re probably the friend.
Those two scenarios are polar opposites on the divorced mom spectrum. You may fall somewhere in between. But if you can admit you fall under the jerk category, here’s some tips:
Don’ts:
Don’t over communicate. This includes hiding under the guise of “it’s about the kids.” If it’s not emergent and doesn’t impact an existing custody/visitation order then there’s no need to communicate about it. Remember from your ex’s perspective above, you’re harming one or more of his kids. He doesn’t want to hear from you.
Don’t continue to request to “meet and confer” with your ex through your attorney. Your ex doesn’t want to meet and confer with you about anything and is tired of attorneys. He just wants the chapter of his life with you closed.
Don’t prevent your kids from communicating with their father. It’s painfully obvious to everyone involved when kids don’t reply to texts or phone calls. It’s worse when the kids lie about receiving the texts or calls because they don’t want to admit they’re not allowed to reply or engage. Kids know what’s going on. They won’t be kids forever and they will remember what you’re doing.
Do’s:
Do separate yourself from your kids when it comes to how your ex views the old family unit. Your ex divorced you, not his kids. Start looking at it that way and cut him some slack.
Do move on with your life. The emptiness you feel is because of an unhealthy attachment. Believe in yourself. Be a good role model of strength, not a martyr for your children.
Do love your children enough to let them love both of their parents. Kids should be allowed to feel they can freely love and talk about the other parent without disapproving glares or snarky remarks. You’re harming your children when you behave like that. You’re teaching them to disrespect.
Do be more secure in yourself as a mother. You were their first home. You don’t have to manipulate their little minds and hearts. You don’t have to make them dislike their father in order to stay loyal to you. You need to trust you.
Do start inching your way toward the graceful side of the spectrum in obvious, meaningful ways. It’s so much better for everyone if the dynamic between exes is left on simmer rather than boil.
Do forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made. No one is asking you to forgive anyone but you.
Co-parenting is an art form. Understanding that children need access to and nurturing from both their parents is the first step. Until you can reach that common, mutually respected ground and shed any sense of entitlement or superiority (that, you know best attitude), your children will continue to have front row seats to two separate movies.
Wonder which one they’ll remember the most when they’re grown…
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 13, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
You hear it all the time… your truth… what the hell does it mean?
Well it probably depends on how you learned “truth” as a kid.
Growing up, did you want to be a writer, but were told you should become a banker instead because it paid more? How about if you always wanted to play a certain sport as a kid but were told it was too dangerous or that it was only for boys?
You weren’t living your truth then. In fact you were taught not to live it later too.
I believe you will never fulfill your destiny if you continue to deny yourself the things your heart wants. Be very careful… if you never learned truth as a kid, then you might not know it when you hear it as an adult. Worse yet, you’ll fool yourself into thinking some big life change is your truth when really it was just your whim.
Get quiet. Get real. Speak your truth. Then live in it.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 6, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
You’ve heard this little idiom once or twice. I heard it just the other day. And it’s ironic, because the man who delivered it (with haughty arrogance) made an assumption of his own, and consequently, made a total ass out of himself.
“It’s like good advice… that you just didn’t take…” Thank you Alanis Morissette.
Ok, so let’s talk about assumptions for a minute. They’re these thoughts we have about how something is supposed to be, without any evidence. It’s what we believe should happen or is happening, will actually happen or is actually happening.
We’ve all been there. I assume. Ha ha.
Seriously though. This is a great lesson in control and uncertainty. We make assumptions (judgments) based on our perceptions or our beliefs about certain things. And, we’re often so disappointed when we’re wrong.
Let me ask you, does it pay to be so dogmatic? Can you imagine if we all shared your perceived view of everything? How special would you be then? We’d share your identity, your reality, your pain, your joy, your anger, your brilliance, even your stupidity. No thanks!
What if you could be open to other beliefs and other opinions instead of living in denial that only yours were “right”? Perhaps clinging to your set ways is just your way of desperately trying to put solid ground – instead of quicksand – under your feet.
All I’m saying is perception isn’t always reality. It’s why we get so pissed off when what we thought should happen, doesn’t. Try giving up some control, letting go, and accepting how very uncertain this life is. Making assumptions about other people or circumstances is exhausting and it’s also known as (aka) being judgmental.
Remember, if you are focusing your attention on anything but your heart’s desires, your energy is being channeled to all the wrong places. Spend less time assuming things about you and others, and more time displaying empathy and compassion. Walk in your truth knowing that the world is constantly changing, and that you actually have very little control.
As Brad (fiancé) would say, “it’s going to be what it’s going to be baby”. And he’s right. Relax into that.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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