by tanyabittner | Feb 23, 2015 | Today
It feels so great to be writing about blended families, love, the realities of divorce, and especially alignment, again! I’ve been waiting and waiting for this new blog to be perfect before I post the first time. Waiting on one more photograph to be sent my way so it can be uploaded in place of what’s currently in the header, waiting for the developer to make the necessary copy edits, waiting for all the posts I have on tumblr to be populated here so that it didn’t look as though I hadn’t blogged since June of 2014… meanwhile my fingers have been drumming my desk… tick, tock, tick, tock… weeks passing… even months.
What was I thinking! The time is now. It’s always now. Plus there’s so much provocative stuff to write about and share with you! Perfect isn’t a thing. I’m certainly not perfect so it makes sense my site and photographs won’t be either. In fact that’s why I love this platform. It’s an excellent canvas for imperfection.
And speaking of imperfection, let’s talk about the painful D word – divorce. It’s ok, you can say it out loud. Divorce! It. Sucks. I’m well on the other side of it and blissfully remarried, so I can look at divorce through a different lens now than I did in the beginning [of the end]. If children are involved – it’s way more complicated that’s for sure. And there are endless opportunities to be imperfect parents pre and post divorce unfortunately. Even the happiest and healthiest of marriages with children find ample ways to screw it all up.
But there’s also plenty of opportunity to get some really important things right during and after divorce. Here’s one: kids need both parents and they need (plenty of ) time with both parents. They just do. My girls are so lucky their dad and I understand and support this philosophy with total fluidity. They are so at ease around all of us. Their dad is very comfortable around my husband and in our home and the same is true for me around their dad’s girlfriend, and their home. It’s just so nurturing for the girls and their little hearts, minds and souls. There’s so much love in this blended family. Thank God. If I’m being completely honest, thank us. We made these little babies and by golly, we’re going to do what’s best for them.
The girls know they can count on all of us and that their dad and I are completely aligned in our parenting. IT IS NOT EASY. Of course their dad and I battle it out sometimes – but the girls. never. ever. know. The co-parenting relationship works because of one word: Compromise.
Our girls are becoming unintended beacons of awareness for other kids of divorce they know; kids with parents who just can’t agree on anything involving their children. There’s so much unhealthy tug of war and gas-lighting. An incurable need for control. So many double standards, envy and lies. There’s even some legitimate crazy thrown in. That’s scary. But, kids are resilient and smart. When they regularly witness how it ought to be they become acutely aware that they’re repeatedly being dealt a really crappy hand.
On the bright side, life is not static. Circumstances and people can always change. I have hope.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jun 20, 2014 | Today
When you’re having THE best days, best hours, or even best moments you want to tell EVERYONE! Many of us even shout it from the rooftops, I mean, Twitter and Facebook.
And that’s ok. You want to completely feel those endorphins. Drink in that joy. It’s contagious and we’re all innately in search of pleasure so why wouldn’t we want to share it with the world?
But if you have the discipline, when you’re on that natural high, it’s an excellent opportunity to remember that a sudden (perceived or real) misfortune can take your feelings of splendid to suspended, in just moments.
I say suspended – because it’s temporary. Many of us speed to extremes instead of just living peacefully at their intersection. Living in the present. I’m guilty of this myself.
By all means savor your splendidness, but awaken your modesty too. It’ll be so much easier to get your arms around those unlucky moments.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | May 13, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
Cue hand wave – hi there!
Ugh, so sorry it’s been a while since I last posted to my temporary home here on tumblr, but it’s not because I haven’t been writing. Quite the opposite ~ I’ve been super busy with my family the past 30 days or so, making for some great material!
We’ve had plenty of kid activities to juggle, from dance competitions to soccer games, endless driving for the greater good, attorneys, nuances of ex-spouses (not mine), clients (past, present, and future), cultivating new friendships, cooking, cleaning, washing, homework, birthdays, and, and, and, #hashtagyougetthepicture (:
Balancing it all is part of my alignment journey and it feels so good to nurture this family of six. But, I also experienced a health scare. Nothing can make you examine and re-align your desires like staring down the barrel of your own mortality gun. Nothing.
So I’m reminded today of the importance of self. Self-love, self-compassion and self-care. As moms, step-moms, working moms, stay-at-home moms, ex-wives, wives, friends, colleagues, aunts, cousins, daughters, sisters… you name it – we all GIVE. Yes, dads do too.
We give a lot. We also feel guilty if we’re just flat out exhausted, have too much to do with no time to do it, or if we want to eat out instead of home made sometimes – ok – lots of times :-).
Brad and I know what it looks like when our family is thriving – really rocking – when each one of our needs is being met. Our joy revolves around being present as often as we can for each other and living as healthy as we can.
If any one of us is not well rested, well snuggled, well exercised, well nourished, well organized, even well meditated (the kids don’t quite get this concept yet, but they’re beginning to understand quiet time without electronics, *eye roll*), then we just wonder around misplacing items, forgetting to-do’s, feeling disappointed, yelling at the driver of the car in front of us, falling out of turns (dance talk), having bad touches of the soccer ball, missing tender, important, and fun moments and generally, we just run out of patience and steam.
Sound familiar?
I have great news:
1. You’re so not alone. Everyone has a multitude of minor daily irritations mixed in with some humdingers from time to time.
2. There’s wisdom and acceptance in those times. Yes, right there in the middle of all those messy parts is a chance to align.
Here’s the truth, we can’t handle it all without recharging, without self-care. We can’t feel good about needing to recharge without self-compassion. And, we can’t experience self-love if we’re worried about what could happen if we actually do pause to recharge. Worry-less.
There’s something sharp about awakening to the idea that you have to align your life in order to live your best. You need to recalibrate sometimes. Listen to your heart’s desires.
Be intentional always and by any and all means, when confronted with your typical or not-so-typical load of overwhelming situations, let yourself receive in order to give.
Receive a massage, a yoga class, a good talk with a dear friend, a long kiss (my favorite), whatever you need.
Take care of you.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Mar 25, 2014 | Today
Nope, last I checked it was blue. But in divorce, each party has their own sense of what’s real, and it changes by the moment.
First the disclaimer: I’m not an attorney, so by no means am I offering up any legal advice. And, if there is even a remote chance of reconciliation between you and your spouse/partner, then by all means, please take your time and make mindful decisions. (more…)
by tanyabittner | Mar 21, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
This journey we’re on together toward alignment, is fraught with confusion, rooted in uncertainty, anxiety, and courage. We become acutely focused on identifying what and who brings us relief or suffering along the way.
I’ve been on this odyssey of sorts for nearly three years now. I am learning from some of our greatest spiritual leaders, that wisdom is born of pain. Acknowledging that offers me some reassurance that suffering is required in order to gain intelligence and to learn. Yet, both emotions are impermanent because even identifying what makes me suffer or brings me relief, provides no sturdier ground under my feet.
Ugh! How frustrating!
We get so excited when something good happens. Or when things are going right we lose sight of the fact that moments, days, or months later something bad could – and often does happen – to throw us off course.
Uncertainty rules the day. See “rooted in” in the first sentence of this post. Be mindful of that. But don’t lose your zest for discovering your inner peace. Difficult times are transforming times.
You don’t have to be contemplative every moment of the day. By all means, try to have a little fun.
I plan to have a ton of fun this weekend 🙂
More to come,
Tanya B.
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