Help Your Kids by Letting Go

by | Nov 22, 2015 | Today

As a parent there’s a painful throbbing that comes from watching your kids suffer even the slightest (perceived) failures and missteps let alone the major heartbreaks and screw ups.  And, misstep and screw up they will.

It’s even harder in those moments to stand on the sidelines and let other mentors, teachers and coaches step into prominent roles in their lives. 

But I believe it is so important for them to have other voices inside their heads in addition to ours; other hands guiding and pushing them to be their very best.

It can’t and shouldn’t always be us.  For me it was older siblings, dance teachers, school teachers, principals, and later, bosses. I was so fortunate to have had them in my corner even if I didn’t always believe they were.  Like when they were yelling at me or challenging me!

I can still hear most of their voices today: Alby, Peter, Bonnie, Mrs. Klaric, Mr. Sweeney, Mr. Fowler, Mrs. Huizinga, Contessa, Carla… 

We have to give our kids permission to safely open their minds and hearts to other nurturing people in their sphere of influence who can help them along in their life’s journey. 

They deserve the best, honest advice they can receive and we deserve the break.

Let go a little… 

More to come,

Tanya B.

Divorce: When Negotiating Turns to Manipulation

by | Nov 15, 2015 | Today

I wrote about how difficult it can be to negotiate during and after divorce in my post on the High Conflict Personality. Especially so if kids are involved.  Sometimes it’s both parties who can’t comprehend the spirit of negotiating but oftentimes though, it is just one party who displays high-conflict personality traits and derails the negotiating train costing you both thousands of dollars.

In nasty divorces I’ve witnessed, high-conflict people appear to lack a sense of humanness toward their exes.

They are incapable of putting themselves in your shoes.  What is it like not to see your kids every day?  What is like to have no contact with your kids for days, months, years?  They don’t care.  No compassion. No empathy. It’s all about them. If you look back, it’s always been all about them.

Negotiating turns to manipulation for high-conflict exes.  It’s the go to. Every time.  It becomes about levers – which ones can they pull to get what they want?  Here are just a few examples – bet you’ve heard these before:

  • You want more access to the kids so they dangle the opportunity for you to see them more if you agree to pay for private school neither of you can afford, or vacations, or cars, or more clothes  (no)
  • They want more money so they alienate the kids from you because less kid time with you means more money for them – they’ll claim you and your family are a big, scary, unhealthy influence on your own kids (unbelievable)
  • They want more direct access to you in order to convince you to come back to them –  so they’ll consider granting you “a coffee date” with kids they’ve alienated from you but only in exchange for marriage counseling disguised as co-parenting. Even though every therapist (all four) you’ve seen together can’t convince your ex to keep it about the kids (so, no)
  • They want you to buy the kids more clothes so they intentionally dress them in rags and shoes with holes on your visitation days (I can’t even)

None of it is negotiation… it’s classic manipulation.  I’d argue, even exploitation.  Kids aren’t pawns and they’re not paychecks; they just need both parents and need to be left out of the parental conflict. That’s it.

It will get better. I mean, if you’ve left all that narcissism it’s already better isn’t it?

Focus on the children the very best way you can and move on in your personal life.

Sending you love and light on your journey.

More to come,

Tanya B.

 

 

Playful Soul

by | Nov 9, 2015 | Today

Let your soul come out to play this week! It’s Monday and for some of you it will be manic, others less so this time. As you enter your work week, and yes, stay at home moms W O R K… Try and find room to feed your soul. 

Your soul needs refueling too. 

Sometimes that means extra long embraces with your husband or partner. Maybe it’s sneaking in another chapter of a book you’re finding hard to put down. More snuggles with your kids, mani – pedis, a longer work out, baking, writing, creating…

Whatever feeds your soul and moves you forward, make time for that. Keep your eye on the prize and the goals you’ve set for the week remembering what hooks you and prevents you from hitting the mark.  Acknowledge what makes you stuck and ask yourself, “who is this person or circumstance that has such a hold on me? And who am I to allow it”?

Get unstuck, feed your soul, accomplish your goals, love and play your way through the week:).

  
More to come,

Tanya B.

Positive Thinking ~ ya, ya

by | Nov 3, 2015 | Today

This is no lecture… It’s just some Tuesday truth for you… You already know what you’re about to read anyway 😀.

It’s easier to live in fear and worry than it is to live fearless and worry free.  It’s also easier to think negative thoughts than positive ones. You’ve heard it all before. 

But, have you heard it this way: If you find yourself thinking of or obsessing over all things you don’t want to happen, you’re taking the easy way out. Come on, you’re smarter and stronger than that. 

  

Try focusing all of your attention on what it is you DO want to happen. Fight the urge to fear, resist the temptation to worry and stress. Visualize what you want, where you want to be, and be obsessed with finding ways to make what you’ve only imagined become a reality.  

It’s perfectly acceptable to have those conversations with yourself too. Out loud. 

Identifying the triggers, ghosts, or hooks preventing you from positive thinking means you have to get real and honest with yourself. Is it money, fear of abandonment, lack of confidence, a past relationship – personal or professional, a broken heart, loss, addiction, weight, health, envy?

Just a quick check… If you can say yes to one, some, or all of the above you’ve already thought too long about them.

Now, what is it you DO want? Wealth, security, confidence, love, healing, health, self forgiveness?

Turn that negativity into positivity; flip that thinking upside down. It is hard. But, aren’t you worth the effort? Isn’t your family worth it?

OF COURSE YOU ARE! Of course they are.

Go on and be the person you envy. 

More to come,

Tanya B.