by tanyabittner | Nov 21, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires
2016 has actually been pretty great. Right up until the day before my 44th birthday (in early October) – things had really fallen into place this year. On the blended family front, routines were well established, boundaries respected (for the most part), everyone budgeted for the dough coming in, and going out. There was an easiness to one side of the divorce equation and an appreciated/welcomed quiet on the other side. Sure, there was shit peppered like fertilizer throughout the year, but new things grew from it and so overall, there were far more good times than bad!
Speaking of unpleasant experiences… let’s just get it out of the way, “the election” was nasty. It was sandwiched between all that goodness and those sub-par moments like gross, orange custard in a layer cake when most people just wanted frosting in the middle. Problem is, now that you’ve bit into it, you have to eat it, because it’s polite and respectful but all you want to do is fast forward (four years) until it’s all over.
Anyway, 2016 has been a significant, evolutionary year. Life was more aligned than ever. Work is and was amazing, the girls are thriving at dance and school, August had a stellar year of football, and even though Mas was injured most of the season, his desire to play soccer and remain athletic was renewed. Brad is enjoying his new work with an old friend, and the significance and blessing of our beautiful love story is revealed exponentially, day-after-day. Most especially during tough times – I know I can always count on my husband to pick me up (sometimes quite literally), and make it all better.
So, without writing about exactly what happened October 7th – let’s just say by happenstance, I learned someone I trusted completely had been secretly plotting to settle an old score – one we agreed just a few years earlier, though heartbreaking – was mutually regretful and we equally shouldered the blame. Peace was made. Or so I thought.
Having gone through the five stages of grief more times than I can count, I knew exactly what was happening when I felt all those emotions come in waves over the last month – I’ve been grieving a loss. The loss of a 30 year friendship that brought with it the kind of familial love that didn’t need coercing, it just remained even though there was no need for it to.
Well, that’s gone now.
Extinguished.
I can’t say if it’s for the best or not yet because the casualties haven’t all been counted and I can’t see around the corner, let alone into the future. But, it’s the right outcome for me. I promised myself five years ago I wouldn’t allow negative attachments (past or present) to take hold of my life ever again.
I’m healing. Fresh life is being breathed in, and new realities are being worked through and I know everything will always be ok – because we’re always meant to be going through exactly what we are going through. There are no wrong turns or bad choices – just turns, and choices.
Things happen to us. Surprise us. Hurt us. Make us happy. It’s life. Unpredictable, uncertain, life.
Thank God we’re alive!
I never want to give the impression life is charming 24/7. That’s crazy. Truth is, it’s pretty fucking great most of the time, but there are days I’m rocked emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It’s real. I’m real. Just like you.
Going for relatable here. We’re all in this together.
Here’s to a peaceful, healthy, and happy 2017.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Oct 24, 2016 | Today
This! It’s become a favorite technique.
Unplug. Unplugging.
10 years ago we would never have used either version of the word as a method of rejuvenating. I’m not just talking about technology either – I’m talking complete disengagement from toxicity, negativity, worry, guilt and doubt. IT’S INCREDIBLY HARD to surrender your concerns but when you let the universe and God decide how things will end up, when you just let it be – you’ll find the peace you’ve been searching for. It’s not a one and done kind of thing though… you’ll find yourself letting go over and over and over. Sometimes the outcome will be exactly what you hoped, other times not even close, but often times, it’s way better than you ever imagined.
It’s a conditioning of the thoughts.
Wait, what does that mean?
First, everything is interpretive here, hopefully you’ll find things that you can relate to and you’ll go with that. I see the analytics on this site and so I know it’s helping some of you! Love it!
Anyway, my interpretation of conditioning of the thoughts is like doing dumbbell curls or running. Some days I can run six miles without breaking a sweat and other days I can barely make it two miles without everything hurting. Same with curls. Some days I can curl 15 pounds, other days I’m lucky if I can handle the five pounders. Anyway, you get it. You have to keep doing it. Conditioning during the good days to prepare you for the not so good ones.
Our minds and bodies are the same like that. Some burdens feel heavier than others on any given day. Sometimes you power through and the results are rewarding, other days you pack it in before you begin, just pull the sheets over your head and call it a day. And for us women, hormones come in to play too, so don’t discount how those affect your moods. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reality… especially for those of us nearing menopause years :). I’m not a doctor. Just a wife, mom, friend, sibling, and sometimes a hormonally challenged woman (she says proudly).
What I’m saying here is, that nervous energy, the constant over-thinking… it’s not changing the outcome of anything. It’s just not. My mama use to say, “don’t borrow trouble”. Listen, I’m not suggesting you do anything irresponsible here… if time’s up and you need to finish a project, take care of your kids, make good on a promise or something… then do it. So, everyday responsibilities aside, whatever it is that’s got you tied up today – here are 10 tips (in no particular order) for unplugging from your worries and taking your mind off the uneasiness:
- Laundry
- Exercise
- Write
- Work
- Clean
- Read
- Wine (not whine)
- Bake (something that requires a lot of ingredients and measuring)
- Dance
- Snuggle (your spouse, significant other, kids, friends, pets, your blankets)
Just let it go, set it down. Whatever it is. And enjoy your beautiful life. It’s too short – you know it.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Oct 16, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires
“I’m not a pushover any more. I stand up for myself”!. Overheard this last week. No, I wasn’t eavesdropping – let’s say I was privy to an unwelcome, haughty conversation.
On its face, there’s nothing wrong with those words. It’s always better to have a voice, than not. No one wants to be taken advantage of. However, there’s a difference between defending yourself or a position, and just being a jerk.
Spewing venom isn’t standing up for yourself – it’s just spewing venom.
Being principled is one thing. A good thing actually. But harboring feelings of anger and resentment while secretly plotting revenge is not standing up for yourself either. At worst, it’s malicious. At best, you’re projecting.
Example: “I think of myself as a pushover so I am going to say awful things to you and accuse you of thinking I’m a pushover”.
And since we’re weeks away from a Presidential Election here in the US, here’s another example of projection:
Trump on the US: “We are the laughingstock of the world”.
Translation: Trump thinks Trump is the laughingstock of the world.
Conflict is often about perception, which is “reality”. For everyone. Especially during a war of the words.
When you are in a conflict with someone, all perceptions are distorted. Yours and theirs.
It’s precisely when we ought to be honest and clear about our feelings in relationships… but we’re silly humans and so we rarely communicate well in those moments, instead we act out; try and settle some old score. Our need to be right supersedes the need to understand, forgive and be forgiven. We need to win.
Is it a lack of confidence? Or, fear? Is it societal? Maybe he/she never learned how to communicate? Or, perhaps he/she just doesn’t care… Either way, it doesn’t matter, because:
Conclusions are lethal. – Danielle LaPorte.
If you’re historically a non-communicator but have now suddenly, or through an awaking process, found your voice (you’re non-pushover self) it must be exhilarating – like an out-of-control water hose! You’re just communicating all over the place! Good for you.
But just because you couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate before, doesn’t mean the person or persons you were in a relationship with then, didn’t want you to. In fact, I’ll bet they even asked you to – a lot.
It all comes back to HONEST introspection. Then alignment.
I’m far more interested in personal evolution – have been for five years. In fact, I’m attracted to it (good news for Brad :)). I want to believe we’re all doing our part individually to be better versions of ourselves, for a better world. Idealistic? Aspirational? Maybe. But if someone is too rigid, out to get even, can’t compromise, then I’ll disengage. That energy is too toxic and NEVER yields a victory.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Oct 10, 2016 | Today
A personal essay.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted to feel. At peace.
From the time my father died when I was eight years old, setting off a chain reaction of some truly awful stuff – I longed for inner peace.
I couldn’t articulate it then of course, because I didn’t even know the word or concept. The idea and later, the search for peace, became synonymous with rummaging through life for happiness. And so I went off on a journey looking for it (peace/happiness) in all the wrong places, with all the wrong motivations. As a teenager I thought I could find it with a good-boy, then, a bad-boy (head scratcher). As an adult I played it safer with a more familial choice in relationship and then with zeal I raced through college obsessed with securing a dream job – and that would do it for sure!
Nope.
As I got older, I believed money and success would bring it, and having babies would somehow, magically provide it. Still, no. Please don’t get me wrong – YES of course over decades I experienced happiness. Though, I was never at peace. Always on edge.
Divorce. And then remarrying… now THESE life changers would finally produce peace/happiness with a big, beautiful bow – right?
Ah, it’s taken a lot of soul searching, misstepping, flat out mistakes, bad judgement calls, the pain of others, pain like I’ve never known, hours of therapy, decluttering my mind, experiencing enlightenment, a love I can count on, and most importantly, forgiveness, to finally feel it. Yeeesssss!
But that’s a lot of work to put in – over a hell of a lot of years – just to fall off the metaphorical wagon… but I have, a few times over the last month. Old wounds can still bite.
You see, you’re never alone.
Usually when I “allow” someone or some incident to resurrect an old wound is when I regress. Maybe only for a few moments, maybe it lasts an hour, or maybe it carries on for a few days… but that I “allow” it is unbelievably frustrating. Because, I know better intellectually. Nonetheless, a lever is pulled. I fall into the trap – I get hooked. Reminded, I’m Human.
On the other side of that regression, a deeper level of healing happens.
Thank you Danielle LaPorte. It’s so true. The healing is intensified. All the self-work the last five years has paid off.
In my 40’s, I’ve come to realize these two states of being aren’t synonyms for one another at all. Happiness does not beget peace OR vice versa. And you won’t find either in the high and ego of a financial windfall.
Peace is a state of mind – happiness is a state of, happy.
I’ve also come to accept that nothing in life is ever a mistake, or a bad judgment – but rather purposeful steps in personal evolution that lead you to exactly, precisely, where you are right now, next week, next month, next year… everything always happens as it’s meant to.
I tend to feel all emotions in a crude way, allowing them to fully come in. I’ve had to learn to draw upon (an ever maturing) ability to accept and clutch pain in particular, set new boundaries, and then, be thankful for it. A necessary emotional purging takes place and that peaceful state of mind does emerge.
Telling your husband and a few best friends about it helps too 🙂
It is utter contentment.
So this is an open letter to me and you, to continue to work at getting comfortable with uncertainty, to never-EVER look back, and by the grace of God (or whatever higher power you pray to) accept the direction our lives have taken and embrace those two states of being whenever we feel them coming on – free from the burden of self-reproach or self-condemnation.
I had a wonderful weekend despite a recent backslide from an old wound. Friday’s pre-birthday dinner, Saturday morning presents with Brad and the girls, phone calls from the boys, homecoming pictures, and visits with new friends, to sleep-in-Sunday, an unexpected, pleasant birthday wish, and even a creepy one. This has been THE best birthday of my life. At 44, I am completely at peace and happy and I’m wishing it for you too :).
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Sep 28, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires
Oh em gee this one word… it gets so much air time for all the wrong reasons.
For example:
“The Kardashians aren’t authentic”.
Well, I disagree. And no, this post isn’t about Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe… they’re just an illustration; a case in point. And, they’re pop culture phenomenons.
Let me (try to) explain.
Authentic synonyms: genuine, real, bona fide, true, veritable.
Are you inauthentic if you dye your hair, get Botox, have a boob job, nose job, butt job, and take hundreds of selfies over a vacation? I don’t think so. For the record, I don’t even know if the Kardashians have had any enhancements. I also don’t think the Kardashains behave much differently behind the cameras as they do in front of them. When are they ever not in front of a camera? I mean, they made their reality TV debut almost 10 years ago – we’ve. watched. them. for. 10. years. Sure, their physical appearances have changed some, but in large part, at each new chapter of their lives, they’ve consistently evaluated situations and adjusted their lifestyles accordingly. Divorce, Transgender Issues, Relationships, Motherhood, Near Death Experiences, Childhood Loss, and more. Not sure those get more “authentic”. The Kardashians were present in those moments, and evolved right on through them.
Nah, I think authenticity is confused a lot with the word, “natural”. My hair is currently blondish, but naturally it’s brown with a hell of a lot of grey. I have cellulite, wrinkles, dark circles, stretch marks and age spots. I’ll be 45 years old next year and while I’ve neither had Botox, a boob job, nose job, lip injections nor a butt job (is that really a thing?), I do color my hair and I’m known to take selfies. So what? Big effing Deal. I think I’m both natural and authentic.
Authenticity especially, is deeper for me. It’s when your words are backed by your actions and align with your beliefs and values at that place in time.
Authenticity means living your truth with integrity as you grow, as you age, as you transition, as. you. evolve.
Can you believe the truth you’re living today is authentic… but then, days, weeks, years later – challenge that truth, and realize a new one? YES. For example, I never imagined myself divorced. Marriage was a belief system with vows you did not break. Yet here I am, divorced and happily, peacefully remarried to someone else.
Disclaimer: I am not an advocate of divorce. I also don’t judge people who are divorced.
Does being divorced mean I am inauthentic? No, it means my belief about suffering, love, happiness, loyalty, and fulfillment changed. Dramatically. I grew up in an environment where you bottled up your pain, love (while it couldn’t flip on-and-off) came with strings attached, loyalty was fleeting, and fulfillment didn’t matter.
Rather quickly and painfully, I got to know myself more intimately. From that revelation, I consciously decided to unleash childhood grief and misery, heal, accept unconditional love, happiness was no longer defined by the caliber of “friends” I kept, or the school my kids attended, loyalty is resolute especially (most especially) when times are tough, and fulfillment isn’t a story book ending it’s the achievement of having been healed, loved, received happiness, and embraced loyalty.
I’m still the same person. I’m still kind. I’d still give my life for anyone I love. Even for those I don’t speak with regularly. And, I’d also still bite your head off (or worse) if you hurt my kids. Same me with some new, grown-up truths. At what point do we take the beliefs and values bestowed upon us as children by our parents and other care givers, evaluate them, and decide for ourselves what we believe in and value as adults? For some, it happens in their teens. For me, it happened as an adult, after I’d already become a mother and almost immediately after my own mother died.
That’s when the seed to live authentically in a new way began to grow. As my old life became increasingly foggy – the clarity I subconsciously sought in order to survive became a watering mechanism. A new side of my authenticity emerged. A better version of who I was branded to be. My beliefs aren’t all that dissimilar from when I was kid, neither are my values. I just began to challenge the environmental foundation from which they were built. You can’t bolster an entire life on match sticks… there’s just too many wicks at-the-ready to catch fire and scorch the earth. Which is exactly what happened.
Told you it wasn’t about the Kardashians :).
It’s actually all about personal choices. Sexual, spiritual, political, whatever. Care less about the social triggers, pressures and reality shows, and more about you. Evolving, growing, high-integrity, authentic – you. Let’s respect each other, forgive, and always ask, “how would I feel if it happened to me”…
More to come,
Tanya B.
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