You created a life together, made beautiful babies. Surely that common thread, woven through the fabric of your former life, is long enough to pull right through to your current one, bolstering some type of relationship with your ex, right?

Not so fast.

No one is perfect in divorce. In fact, it brings out the worst in everyone. Particularly if there are new relationships or remarriages thrown into the mix.  For your own sanity, and that of your kids’, you have to learn to let go of your former life and your ex else that inner emptiness will consume you.

There’s no gentle way of putting it. Anyone who’s been through divorce has been a jerk at one time or another.  It’s so emotional.

So who are you today?

Let’s break down the spectrum from Jerk to Grace:

Jerk ~ If you’re vitriolic – lying to your children about your ex, encouraging them to pick sides (splitting), one or more of your children has even developed his/her “own” campaign of denigration against your ex, and hasn’t spoken to him in more than a year – then the fibers of that aforementioned thread haven’t just unraveled.  They’ve likely been cut with some very sharp scissors. To your ex, you’re the jerk.

Grace ~ If, on the other hand, you honor and speak respectfully about your ex around the kids, encourage/set up extra visitations, foster loving relationships among step children and step parents (if applicable), provide platforms for thoughtful exchanges despite the frustrating nuances that accompany the divorce process, then you have captured the essence of grace. Congratulations because this takes an enormous amount of patience and displays heaping amounts of love for your children. To your ex, maybe you’re not defined as the epitome of grace but you’re probably the friend.

Those two scenarios are polar opposites on the divorced mom spectrum. You may fall somewhere in between.  But if you can admit you fall under the jerk category, here’s some tips:

Don’ts:

Don’t over communicate. This includes hiding under the guise of “it’s about the kids.” If it’s not emergent and doesn’t impact an existing custody/visitation order then there’s no need to communicate about it. Remember from your ex’s perspective above, you’re harming one or more of his kids. He doesn’t want to hear from you.

Don’t continue to request to “meet and confer” with your ex through your attorney. Your ex doesn’t want to meet and confer with you about anything and is tired of attorneys. He just wants the chapter of his life with you closed.

Don’t prevent your kids from communicating with their father. It’s painfully obvious to everyone involved when kids don’t reply to texts or phone calls.  It’s worse when the kids lie about receiving the texts or calls because they don’t want to admit they’re not allowed to reply or engage.  Kids know what’s going on. They won’t be kids forever and they will remember what you’re doing.

Do’s:

Do separate yourself from your kids when it comes to how your ex views the old family unit.  Your ex divorced you, not his kids.  Start looking at it that way and cut him some slack.

Do move on with your life.  The emptiness you feel is because of an unhealthy attachment.  Believe in yourself.  Be a good role model of strength, not a martyr for your children.

Do love your children enough to let them love both of their parents. Kids should be allowed to feel they can freely love and talk about the other parent without disapproving glares or snarky remarks.  You’re harming your children when you behave like that. You’re teaching them to disrespect.

Do be more secure in yourself as a mother. You were their first home. You don’t have to manipulate their little minds and hearts. You don’t have to make them dislike their father in order to stay loyal to you. You need to trust you.

Do start inching your way toward the graceful side of the spectrum in obvious, meaningful ways.  It’s so much better for everyone if the dynamic between exes is left on simmer rather than boil.

Do forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made. No one is asking you to forgive anyone but you.

Co-parenting is an art form. Understanding that children need access to and nurturing from both their parents is the first step.  Until you can reach that common, mutually respected ground and shed any sense of entitlement or superiority (that, you know best attitude), your children will continue to have front row seats to two separate movies.

Wonder which one they’ll remember the most when they’re grown…

More to come,

Tanya B.