I can’t tell you when it happened exactly, or why. I’ve searched for a smoking gun, a silver bullet, and, can’t find one. No health scare, no loss, no windfall, no trajedy, no significant change of any kind except, inside of me.
I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and maybe it will. I’ve even tried to shake it. Which sounds crazy if you knew that what I was trying to dust off my shoulders, was this whole sense of and desire for, harmony.
The only way I can describe it is, like a balloon… This analogy came to me while skimming through Instagram and seeing a quote that read something like, (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the quote anymore), “let it go like a balloon so it doesn’t come back like a boomerang”… seems simple enough :).
I don’t think I’m the balloon — instead, maybe it represents my worries, problems, fears, insecurities and doubts. Aka: control. And it appears as though I’ve let go?
That’s fucking nuts.
Not the balloon concept, you and I can get our heads around that, pretty easily. But, who doesn’t have worries, problems, fears, insecurities and doubts? I MUST. I have to (be in control). Who am I if I’m not constantly worried about someone or something?
Who is this new person with clarity, new found creativity, calmness and extra compassion for those I know have wronged me or my loved ones?
She’s right here, with an open and vulnerable heart.
There was no (real or figurative balloon) send off, no ceremony. It’s just the only comparison I’ve come across to explain this light, airy, wonderment I’m experiencing. It’s not like there isn’t shit happening, there is! But, I’m unbothered by it… still. I choose harmony. Peace.
I’m not, “ignoring” because that would be, pretending. Pretending there’s no problem, no bill, no need to take action, no requirement to communicate… you get it. Nah, this is real life baby!
Pretending something is or isn’t the case won’t make it disappear. In fact… cue that boomerang analogy or, how about a buoy? You can keep pushing it under the water, but as soon as you let go, it’s coming right back up at you. Balloons though… will drift off… up, up, up… you can’t catch them even if you want to. I’ve tried :).
Ignorance is not bliss.
No. Unbothered, in the sense that I acknowledge there are messes and they need to be cleaned up. But I’m not anxious about dealing with them or worried about whether I’m the only one who will. With grace, I’ll just do what needs to be done for the greater good and I’m finding the peace in that responsibility without need for reciprocity. Though when I’ve received grace in kind, it feels so good 😊.
Perhaps it’s just a deeper healing or maturation. Either way, extremely happy to wonder and wander along, untethered to the anxiety of life for now. This change of heart is most welcome, and so is the laughter 🤣.
Peace out loves, more to come,
Tanya S.
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