Blended Family Boundaries

With another year coming to a close, it’s a great time to start thinking about resetting boundaries for your blended family in 2019.  Cringe… I know, I know, but the reality is your kids are growing up and so you gotta figure this stuff out year-after-year! I get asked all the time how we do it… and since there are two blended families in our situation (I’m a stepmom of two boys, and my daughters have a stepmom [who is also a mom of two girls]), it’s been super important to keep what happens under our roof, consistent for all four of our kids. Because we can only control what happens in our home (you’ll read this a lot)! Here are three tips to help you plan a less stressful 2019:

1.  Communication: Trade outs, scheduling, and logistics associated with all of it should be done in writing via email or text (preferably the former). Even if you have the best relationship with your ex, and the sharpest memory, no one can recall details without having them written down. You can’t remember what to get at the grocery store without a list (or Alexa), so it’s unlikely you’ll remember the nuances of changes in pick-up dates, times, locations and activities without writing them down, either. Especially true if you have multiple kids with various sports and school interests. NOTE: If you are in a high conflict and often stressful relationship with your ex, then I recommend Our Family Wizard. It keeps communication with your ex organized and separate from unrelated (professional or personal) correspondence you have with other people in your life. 
2. Keep the kids out of the crossfire: This is probably the most important boundary and one many divorced parents can’t seem to respect. In our home, the kids are getting older and we’re encouraging them to voice their opinions, desires and suggestions.  However it is not their job to act as negotiator. Here’s a quick example: Our boys wanted to attend a function at our home, and another at their mom’s home. My husband and I agreed they should attend both. But negotiating how to get them to and from each of those functions was not their job. It was their mom and dad’s job. Neither boys drive nor do/did they have visibility into our household’s already planned commitments, so how could they possibly negotiate and, WHY SHOULD THEY? NOTE: You have no say (I MEAN ZERO) in what goes on in the kids’ other homes, only your own so encourage your kids to have a voice, but not to be a liaison. 
3. Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em: Thank you Kenny. So again, you gotta do what works with your household and within the custody time you have.  In other words, when the kids are with you, they’re with you, and when they’re with your ex, they’re with your ex. I know you want to share this tradition and that, and you want to be the one to have the new experience with them, but you have to be respectful of the other side and the traditions and experiences happening there, too. Don’t get divorced if you don’t want to share. Sharing is caring, especially true during the holidays when you throw in extended blended families (don’t get me started lol)! Moms: You can’t start planting seeds in your kids’ minds and hearts about activities happening in and around your home when you know darn well they’re supposed to be with your ex. Stepmoms: same thing goes for you. NOTE: If it’s not your time with the kids, fold ’em. And if it’s something that could be super meaningful and you wanna hold ’em, then communicate it with your ex, first.  See number one and two above.  Communicate and leave the kids out of it.

Happy Holidays everyone and wishing you a peaceful 2019! More to come,  Tanya S.