I gotta tell ya, divorce sucks ass. I know. But, truth.
When two sides are so far from center it’s incredibly hard to move forward. The question to every argument should be: does this position I am taking, help the children?
The kids will never pick sides, unless they’ve been told to pick sides, through parental alienation. It’s a real thing.
It’s when children side completely with alienating parent in divorce. It’s common, but not the norm. And I hope you are not in this situation!
Instead of turning kids against a parent, or withholding them from seeing the other parent, try asking if the position you’re taking helps or hurts, the kids. Not, does it help or hurt your ex. I get that many of you want your exes to suffer. You want to settle a score. That’s not the right way. You have to think beyond their younger years… the pain you inflict on them now through bickering hurts them even worse down the line.
You guys — the kids grow up. They leave the nest. Then you NEVER have to communicate with each other ever again. Think about that. Is that what you want? To NEVER speak again? It’ll happen. The money you fight for or lie for disappears when they matriculate in a few short years. The kids don’t care. They want to be taken care of and loved. By both of you. The kids should not suffer while you figure it all out and they are not pawns. Money comes and goes, but the kids remember everything.
Here’s a Q and A ~ Always keeping it real:
Does it help the children if you want to fight about something that was said four years ago when the lives, livelihoods and responsibilities of both parties were different then?
No. The children do not care what was said between the parents one week ago let alone four years ago. They just want promises made to *them*, kept — and to spend time with both parents.
Does it help the children if the parties communicate and work out problems in front of the children?
No. The parties should not be openly (in person, on speaker phone or otherwise) discussing nuances of co-parenting in front of the kids. For example, modifications to exchanges should not be talked through on the way to exchanging the children, while they are in the car. Figure it out on the front end, or speak privately at the exchange.
Does it help the children if you dig your heels in about wanting an equal share of the driving for exchanges?
No. The children don’t care who drives to and from exchanges. Work it out on your own without them. This means dedicating time to figuring out a plan. Not sending passive aggressive texts ahead of each and every exchange. TALK.
Does it help the children if you pay guideline child support?
Yes. The children have needs and the primary custodial parent needs all the help he/she can get to fulfill those needs thus helping the children. Plus, it’s also your financial responsibility to care for your children even when they are not with you. See below for an alternative question on this very topic.
Does it help the children if you pay for 1/2 their extra curricular activities?
Yes. Especially when those activities are expensive, and both parties enthusiastically support the activity. One parent should not shoulder that burden (on top of receiving lower than guideline child support, let’s say). It causes unnecessary frustration damaging the parties’ co-parenting relationship, which does not help the children. Children sense tension. Especially at their very competitive activities. It hurts them and is completely selfish. Do the right thing for “them” not you, not your ex.
Does it help the children if you participate in the costs of their medical care?
Yes. The children deserve the best care they can get which only happens when both parties contribute. One parent should not carry the sole burden of paying for medical insurance and prescriptions, for example.
Does it help the children if you spend child support (let’s say $3500/month) meant for the kids’ needs, on other people instead of them?
No. The growing children should have food, shelter, hygienic and clothing needs met at a critical minimum. For example, receiving $3500 a month in child support, over and above spousal support and employee earnings — should cover more than one pair of shoes, one pair of pants, and they should be able to attend a high school dance without having to ask financial aid for a free ($25) ticket. $3500/month — every month — is a lot of money. For the (minor) children. Not your plastic surgery needs, not your adult child’s college tuition, and not for your freeloading live-in partner. For example.
Does it help the children if you take money from your ex that is no longer meant for you within the guidelines of the law?
No. The children don’t care about spousal support. Figure it out on your own and never at the expense of the children. But if you know you’re breaking the law, and are doing it anyway, karma. You aren’t entitled to your ex’s money longer than the law allows.
Does it help the children if you and your ex are both contributing to your joint debt.
No. It’s none of their business. The children don’t care about your debt. Figure it out on your own and never at the expense of the children.
What to do?
If anything you are doing or arguing about does not help the children, right now where they are, you are failing them. This goes for BOTH parents.
Do what’s best for the kids. Right now.
Period.
So done.
More to come on this, sadly,
Tanya S.
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