If you’re a frequent reader of my blog, you know I write a lot about alignment, blended families, divorce, marriage, some hard hitting topics and plenty of uplifting ones :). If you’re not a frequent reader, whatever brought you here this time, welcome!
We have so much to be thankful for this holiday weekend, this year… ahh, just thankful period. Essential to that grateful point of view is realizing what we will no longer accept. So today I’m writing to shed light on something that’s been a dark part of our lives for more than three years – something we are all now ready to purge, draw some awareness to, and ultimately let go knowing we did everything we could.
Psychological child abuse. It’s an unfortunate reality for many high-conflict marriages, separations, and divorces that involve children. Just like any other type of abuse, a frighteningly high percentage of victims don’t tell anyone about the abuse, and we all know abusers never tell.
The type of psychological child abuse I’m writing about trains kids to hate one of their own loving parents. It teaches kids they don’t need both parents; “one is enough”. It’s the kind of child abuse that involves “hours of rehearsing” scripted storylines with children so they can deliver a message of hate to a caring parent as though it were their own idea. It’s the kind of child abuse that programs kids to degrade their own parent (not just once or twice but) for years… and this kind of child abuse practices isolation from one parent – preventing phone calls, preventing visits, and discouraging all other methods of communicating freely with a loving parent.
I’m not talking about behavior that can be rationalized away as “disgruntled kids or teens pissed off because mom and dad got divorced”. I’m talking about kids receiving overt, clear instructions from one parent to hate, mistreat, lie to, spy on and withdraw from, the other parent.
This kind of child abuse is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and yes, the abuser is the child’s own parent. This abusive parent is also known as the alienating parent or the preferred parent. The rejected parent is known as the targeted parent or the alienated parent. PAS typically stems from a nasty marriage, separation or divorce but it can, and often does begin well before the separation or divorce is ever initiated. The verbal abuse and blatant disrespecting of one parent is usually happening in the family home for some time so the acceptable mistreatment of one parent is being taught early.
Before you read on, I want to be clear this post covers my interpretation of parental alienation from personal experience as an intimate witness to this type of abuse and the devastating effects it’s had on my husband. We’ve spent hours upon hours in professional sessions with psychology experts knowledgeable about PAS, not to mention thousands of dollars in legal fees and court battles. Sadly though, my interpretation aligns perfectly with expert analysis on this syndrome. I can check every box.
If you are a targeted parent reading this and you’ve lost communication with one or all of your kids at the hands of your ex, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. And… it is a loss just like a death. Therapists say being alienated from your child can feel gut wrenchingly similar. It means no phone calls with your son or daughter, no emails, no texts, no visits, no birthday celebrations, no milestone celebrations, no mother or fathers’ day wishes, no promotions, no graduations, no vacations, no pictures, likely even no weddings or births of grandkids. No communication of any kind. It’s like they’re dead. Only they’re not. Well… not in the literal sense anyway.
Studies show most alienating parents fear the child or children will choose the other parent’s “side” in the relationship conflict or a divorce and abandon them. So in an effort to prevent that from happening, alienating parents brainwash, over-share inappropriate adult information, lie, and manipulate the child into no longer wanting anything to do with the other parent in an attempt to bolster their own parental identity. In many cases they even use the child as a pawn to try and win their former spouse back: “If I take away access to the child my ex will realize I am her gatekeeper and come back to me if he wants to be in the child’s life.” Or, “Until my ex is nice (er) to me, I’m keeping the child from him.”).
See, these alienating parents have an inability to separate the parental conflict from the needs of the children which is: for the children to have loving relationships with both parents. They just don’t understand intellectually and emotionally that when separated or divorced parents argue and say nasty things to each other, which they do, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KIDS. The kids should never know about it and they certainly shouldn’t be used as therapists, pawns, friends, shoulders to cry on or confidants. For alienating parents though, reality is fuzzy… they are self-centered and self-serving. It’s all about them – but if you listen to an alienating parent, you’ll hear them talk ad nauseam about the struggles and sacrifices they’re making for their children. PAS abusers always play the martyr.
If you’re an alienating parent reading this (and you know if you are) I hope you get the mental help you need before your children end up with a syndrome of their own and grow up to hate you as they become adults and parents. And studies show, they probably will.
Yep… it’s coming. Parental alienation has long term effects on these kids. Dr. Amy Baker, Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from Teachers College of Columbia University and a parental alienation expert, writes that adult alienated children of divorce report their parental abuser isolated them from the other parent, encouraged a denial of emotional responsiveness about the other parent, even spurning them if they wanted to visit with or spend time with other parent (Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51, 16-35).
Psychiatrist Dr. William Bernet, professor emeritus of Vanderbilt University and a parental alienation researcher who also works with alienated kids of divorce, together with other colleagues including Baker, agree with eight identified criteria for diagnosing parental alienation (JAAPL: 41:1:98–104, March 2013). I’ve offered easy to understand examples in parenthesis:
- Campaign of denigration against the targeted parent (saying nasty, harmful things)
- The child’s lack of ambivalence (appears to have no feelings for targeted parent; highly unnatural)
- Frivolous rationalizations for the child’s criticisms against the targeted parent (superficial reasons i.e.: “you’re not interesting”)
- Reflexive support for the alienating parent against the targeted parent (one parent is all good, the other all bad)
- The child’s lack of guilt over exploitation and mistreatment of the targeted parent (no compassion or empathy)
- Borrowed scenarios (whereby the child borrows the alienating parent’s reasons as their own)
- Independent Thinker Phenomenon (where the child claims their resistance to seeing the targeted parent derives from their own independent thought and not the result of the other parent’s influence)
- Spread of the child’s animosity toward the targeted parent’s extended family or friends (disdain for grandparents, aunts/uncles, stepparents/siblings)
Bernet and Baker define parental alienation (PA) like this:
A mental condition in which a child, usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict separation or divorce, allies himself strongly with one parent (the preferred parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without legitimate justification. PA features abnormal, maladaptive behavior (refusal to have a relationship with a loving parent) that is driven by an abnormal mental state (the false belief that the rejected parent is evil, dangerous, or unworthy of love).
I’m not (yet) going to get into the heaps of psychological research and findings which are also in line with my personal belief: Parents who alienate children from their fathers and mothers suffer from mental illness.
I’m no mental health professional, that’s for sure. However the experience I’m familiar with sent me down a research path to try and understand how one parent can do this to his/her own children and also even to the mother/father of their children. Unfortunately I found the personality traits of a parent who intentionally keeps kids away from their other loving parent are eerily similar to those also found in people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder:
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without any achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerated achievements and alleged talents – charlatans
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about brilliance or the perfect mate
- Believing that they’re superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special “brilliant” people
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Expecting special favors but won’t give any
- Taking advantage of others to get what they want
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the feelings of others
- Being envious of others while believing others envy them and therefore they must be miserable
- Behaves in an arrogant or haughty manner
- Fear of abandonment
- Unstable, intense relationships
- Impulsiveness, eating disorders
- Rage
If mental illness is the root cause, I can find some compassion. Problem is, researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health say mental illness often goes undiagnosed.
My two girls are fortunate their father and I love them both and respect each other so we co-parent well together and encourage healthy, loving, easy going relations on both sides. Unfortunately that’s not the reality for most divorced families and until recently, lady justice has been a bit lopsided here.
But the courts are catching on… finally. Not in time for the situation that’s shattered parts our family, but more and more alienated kids around the country are becoming adults and sharing their stories. Divorce rates are increasing, the number of kids whose parents are involved in high-conflict divorces is increasing, and adult kids of alienation voicing the psychological abuse they experienced at the hands of their “preferred parent” is increasing. That trifecta is starting to penetrate the family court system across the country. More on this in a later blog.
For now, I will leave you with a very moving video of a woman, a mother who is a survivor of parental alienation. Her story is almost identical to the one I am familiar with though the abuser in this video – is a father. The master manipulation techniques, lies, over-sharing, parent/child role reversal, spying, exploitation and verbal abuse is indistinguishable from the situation I’ve witnessed for more than three years. Parental alienation is real.
Special message: We will never give up fighting for you. However, for the mental, emotional and physical well being of everyone else in our family, we are moving on. You know where to find your Papa if and when you’re ready.
Awareness. Acceptance. Healing. Happiness. Light. Love. Freedom.
More to come,
Tanya B.
Recent Comments