It takes courage after divorce to look at yourself in this new way. In love. I know what you’re thinking, “how can I be in a meaningful relationship when I’ve closed a chapter of my life that involved… wait for it, being in a meaningful relationship?”
I get it. Sorta. I mean, I get the self loathing, and feeling like a failure part. I just don’t believe you only get one shot at love. And neither should you.
Regardless of the reasons for unravelling your marriage, if you’ve found yourself in a position to experience love again, please allow your heart to be touched. You’ll be surprised at how light the burden feels when you stop putting conditions on yourself to be happy. When you start forgiving yourself.
“If I wait for this to happen, then I can date or love”. Or, “My ex isn’t ready for me to move on publicly so I’ll put my happiness on hold”. Or, “I’m going to wait for my ex to find happiness first, then I will find some”. Or how about this one, “My ex has moved on and I’m humiliated so I can’t move on”. STOP! Are YOU ready to love again?
If the answer is yes, then this could be a real chance to get to know yourself and someone else, in a deeper way than you did before. Whether it’s for a day, a week, a month or a lifetime, allowing your heart to be touched feels so roomy… so much space opens up.
Pema Chodron is one of my favorite writers. I love this paragraph she wrote about what it feels like to have an open heart:
“There’s an immense sense of well-being, which doesn’t have anything to do with pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad, hope or fear, disgrace or fame. It’s something that simply comes to you when you feel that you can keep your heart open.”
Isn’t that powerful? That’s you! You can love again.
Your identity was coupled with someone else’s for so long I’ll bet the last thing you want to do is share your new or reclaimed selfhood with anyone. I don’t see it that way but I understand the position.
I believe in order to love (even better than you thought you did before) you need to inhale your partner completely. That belief isn’t for everyone but to me, being in love means you get lost in the other person. I’m not suggesting you lose yourself. Check it.
I mean, consider allowing yourself to wander around in all the senses of someone else.
When you find yourself lost on the freeway because you’ve missed an exit and need to turn around… you haven’t lost your sense of self, you’ve just lost your sense of direction. Love isn’t like that.
There is no destination in true love. It’s an exploration.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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