Parental Alienation
Here it is:
This is how it ends.
Awareness.
More to come,
Tanya S.
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
Chapter 1 – The Land of Many Waters
**Excerpt**
As I walked out of the bathroom, I saw him in the bedroom. He was old, small and ugly.
“Maria, come in here.”
I pushed the door open all the way, but didn’t go into the bedroom where he was. I couldn’t bear to look at him. Instead of staring at the deep grooves in his forehead and that mouth packed full of uneven teeth, my eyes focused away down the hall onto some trash scattered on the wood floor.
A paper sack full of potato peelings and rotting avocado skins. An empty can of sardines tipped over on its side. The tin was shiny and new. I related to it… empty and still new, for a little while longer.
“Don’t you think it’s time we get to know each other better?” he asked.
I tried to stall.
“I’m hungry. Is there anything to eat?”
“We should make our marriage official first,” was his reply. “And, Maria? I didn’t tell you to change your clothes. I told you to get undressed. Undress now, and lay on the bed.”
I was terrified. My mother warned me this would happen on my wedding day, and she told me I mustn’t fight him… I always did what my mother said. Even when I was married to this man, this husband of mine, Alan Goodman, 45. I understood what an arranged marriage was – I had been sold. And so, I had as much contempt for the mother who betrayed me as I did for the man who was about to ruin me.
I took my clothes off again, in front of him this time. My blouse felt sticky and cobwebbed on my skin, smothering me even as I pulled it up and over my head. Instinctively I put one arm over my breasts and tossed the dress aside with my other hand. I slowly shimmied out of my skirt and let it drop to my ankles.
As I stood with my eyes closed and legs crossed I could hear Alan fumble with his belt as he tried to undress beside me. A few seconds later I heard the buckle slam on the floor – my eyes popped opened and I starred up at the rafters, breathing shallow and fast. He pushed me onto the bed. When he lay beside me I could smell him. He reeked of Indian spices and booze.
Come. Freaking. On.
If you are receiving child support from your ex and you share legal and physical custody, YOU ARE IN FACT, *NOT* raising and educating your kids, “on your own.” Stop lying to people 🤥.
Most especially if, every-two-weeks of the last six years you’ve received support payments totaling nearly *half a million dollars* from your ex 💰!
Come. On 🙄.
More to come but cheers for now 🥂,
Tanya S.
Strength, Power, and Grace
Toxic people will project their own unhappiness, character defects and inexcusable behavior by accusing their targets of displaying those exact flaws.
Letting someone like this create a false narrative of you is a small price to pay for maintaining the alchemy of your blessed life and, it keeps them on the outside of it, where they belong.
The strength, power and grace of a target, is found in her ability to show compassion for her toxic, unstable aggressor, extend well wishes and then, marginalize them as quickly as possible 🖤.
More to come,
Tanya S.
Start where you are, now
Radical concept? Nope. Just a, “compassionate guide to living” from the extraordinary author and Buddhist monk, Pema Chodrön. If you’ve read my blog since 2012, you’ll know she’s my absolute favorite and I quote her regularly.
Picked some of her readings up again the other day because my alignment has been WAAYYY off… so I vow to:
Reclaim my compassionate heart.
Yes please!! And I’ll have some humble pie on the side, too :). How about you?
Finding your compassionate heart is only difficult if you make a big deal out of it. Only if you resist. Don’t resist 🙃.
Listen, we’ve all been there. Stumbled some, been out of sorts, edgy, feisty, ridiculous (in a bad way), moody, foggy, hurt, angry, impatient, snarky, nosey, intentionally grouchy because it’s easier, judgey, distant and indifferent.
And if you can’t admit you’ve ever been “that person”, probs stop reading. We clearly can’t relate, and you’re, well, you’re just lying.
So, stop.
Breathe.
Take your tongue off the roof of your mouth, soften the outer edges of your lips, quiet your negative mind, and say something (out loud) that you like about someone you’re pissed at. Maybe that someone is, you. I’ve definitely been mad at myself (waves hand, 👋 me me!!).
If you focus on what you don’t like it’s all you’ll see — more things you don’t like. If you focus on what you DO like, you’ll begin to see more and more of what pleases you.
About you. About them. About everyone.
“Embracing rather than denying the painful aspects of our lives.” – Pema Chodrön
Emotional healing (starting where you are) isn’t linear and how you go about it is as unique as DNA, but I do highly recommend a therapeutic environment to help in your healing. I’ve been healing this way and that, for decades.
In fact, I’ve almost lived FIVE decades. Wait, what?
Yes 🙌🏼
I’ll turn 47 this year and definitely have ample life experiences to draw some good blog content and learnings from. If there’s one thing I know, for sure, it’s that it’s never too late to pivot and do better, do different, do happier.
Do Compassionate Living.
Ah, yessss. There it is. It’s a choice. Don’t resist it. Start looking for the good. You’ll find it’s superabundant (one word) 🤗.
Then, start. Right where you are.
More to come,
Tanya S.
Change of Heart
I can’t tell you when it happened exactly, or why. I’ve searched for a smoking gun, a silver bullet, and, can’t find one. No health scare, no loss, no windfall, no trajedy, no significant change of any kind except, inside of me.
I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and maybe it will. I’ve even tried to shake it. Which sounds crazy if you knew that what I was trying to dust off my shoulders, was this whole sense of and desire for, harmony.
The only way I can describe it is, like a balloon… This analogy came to me while skimming through Instagram and seeing a quote that read something like, (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the quote anymore), “let it go like a balloon so it doesn’t come back like a boomerang”… seems simple enough :).
I don’t think I’m the balloon — instead, maybe it represents my worries, problems, fears, insecurities and doubts. Aka: control. And it appears as though I’ve let go?
That’s fucking nuts.
Not the balloon concept, you and I can get our heads around that, pretty easily. But, who doesn’t have worries, problems, fears, insecurities and doubts? I MUST. I have to (be in control). Who am I if I’m not constantly worried about someone or something?
Who is this new person with clarity, new found creativity, calmness and extra compassion for those I know have wronged me or my loved ones?
She’s right here, with an open and vulnerable heart.
There was no (real or figurative balloon) send off, no ceremony. It’s just the only comparison I’ve come across to explain this light, airy, wonderment I’m experiencing. It’s not like there isn’t shit happening, there is! But, I’m unbothered by it… still. I choose harmony. Peace.
I’m not, “ignoring” because that would be, pretending. Pretending there’s no problem, no bill, no need to take action, no requirement to communicate… you get it. Nah, this is real life baby!
Pretending something is or isn’t the case won’t make it disappear. In fact… cue that boomerang analogy or, how about a buoy? You can keep pushing it under the water, but as soon as you let go, it’s coming right back up at you. Balloons though… will drift off… up, up, up… you can’t catch them even if you want to. I’ve tried :).
Ignorance is not bliss.
No. Unbothered, in the sense that I acknowledge there are messes and they need to be cleaned up. But I’m not anxious about dealing with them or worried about whether I’m the only one who will. With grace, I’ll just do what needs to be done for the greater good and I’m finding the peace in that responsibility without need for reciprocity. Though when I’ve received grace in kind, it feels so good 😊.
Perhaps it’s just a deeper healing or maturation. Either way, extremely happy to wonder and wander along, untethered to the anxiety of life for now. This change of heart is most welcome, and so is the laughter 🤣.
Peace out loves, more to come,
Tanya S.
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