by tanyabittner | Sep 7, 2021 | Today
Haven’t written here in awhile. So, hi :). How’ve you been?
While you’re thinking about how to answer that, I’ll start with how I have managed lately. The short and sour of it is, I’ve been at the breaking point – since about May of 2020. I’ve had it. Done. Over it. Only to not actually have, “had. it.“ or ever really be, “done” or “over it.” Repeatedly. Same for you?
Since I can’t run away from COVID, politics, controlling people, discrimination, this war on women’s bodies (only), and everything else that gets me fired up and stuck, I started setting boundaries.
Sounds great… except it’s become kinda confusing because while I’m setting them, there are others I’m also trying push.
Set boundaries. Push boundaries. Put your card in. Remove your card. Walk. Don’t walk. Mute. Unmute.
No wonder we have such anxiety.
Anyway. You’re not alone. Ever. Blessed and tested. It’s the only way. The antidote to all this noise and chaos, is to create.
So go on, now.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Oct 2, 2019 | Today
They may not say it clearly, but they show you undoubtedly.
- They always remind you why you left.
- They always remind you how easy they made it for you.
- They always remind you they never really loved you, not really.
- They always remind you why you couldn’t count on them.
- They always remind you why you don’t need them.
- They always remind you why they weren’t worth it.
And. You’ll get through it. Without them.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Sep 2, 2019 | Today
**EDIT**
After almost four months of sticking to the custody arrangement, the parents haven’t needed to communicate and dad reports his life has been so much quieter. It’s a high-conflict divorce, dream.
True story:
After six years of compliance, mom suddenly refuses to communicate/coparent with dad through the court ordered system, Our Family Wizard (OFW) they’ve been using since 2013.
She declared she will email to dad’s personal and work emails, and text message him, instead.
None of these forms of communication are court approved (and don’t actually even reach dad) because mom’s been so verbally abusive on these platforms in the past – she’s been blocked from them altogether.
But yet, mom tells kids (such a no no), “I refuse to use OFW and your dad has control issues” 😂.
OKURRRR
Obeying the rules in a high conflict divorce with a narcissist is the only way to stay sane — control away, dad.
#reallife
by tanyabittner | Aug 14, 2019 | Today
Moms with shared custody, what if you didn’t put a negative spin on everything?
What if you didn’t say:
- Dad never goes to parent/teacher conferences and that’s bad
- Dad doesn’t know who your teachers are and that’s bad
- Dad wants to put his time with you before your friends and activities and that’s bad
And instead, what if you said:
- I’m happy to handle all the parent/teacher conferences while dad works hard to help provide for you
- It’s perfectly fine dad doesn’t know your teachers because I’m doing a good job communicating with him about all your school work but if there was a problem, he’d be happy to meet your teachers to figure out a solution
- I know you want to hang with your friends this weekend and/or visit a museum but time with your dad is more important because you don’t see him as much as you see me or even your friends
What if THAT was the message to your kids instead?
The seeds you plant in their minds will grow… why on earth would you want them to have any internal or external conflict?
Because you’re mad dad?
Not good enough. You can be mad at dad without making him a bad guy to your kids. You can expect more from dad without sharing those expectations with the kids.
Do better moms. Want better for your kids.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Aug 14, 2019 | Today
Just a reminder for California moms and dads:
You may NOT put your child in therapeutic care without prior consent of BOTH parents.
Every post divorce judgment is different but for example, ours states that major decisions including (but not limited to) these bulleted below, require BOTH parents to AGREE:
- Participation in mental health counseling, therapy, or treatment;
- Non emergency medical or psychiatric treatment
So that the aforementioned can’t be circumvented, California law further states the minor may only enroll him/her self in therapeutic care without parental consent if two family code requirements are met. TWO. NOT ONE OR THE OTHER. BUT BOTH. In California, that Family Code is 6924.
It states that a minor who is 12 years of age or older may only consent to mental health treatment or counseling on an outpatient basis, or to residential shelter services, if both of the following requirements are satisfied:
(1) The minor, in the opinion of the attending professional person, is mature enough to participate intelligently in the outpatient services or residential shelter services,
AND (not OR)
(2) The minor would present a danger of serious physical or mental harm to self or to others without the mental health treatment or counseling or residential shelter services, or is the alleged victim of incest or child abuse.
We’re all for therapy over here. But if kids need to seek professional help to cope with their parents’ HIGH CONFLICT divorce (and they should), the therapist should be a neutral party having never treated the parents together or individually, before.
Ethics and good parenting would prevent a therapist clearly aligned to one parent, from treating the minor child of a highly contentious divorce – most especially without the prior consent of BOTH parents.
Especially, Especially IF the parent selecting the therapist (without the other parent’s consent [so shady]) has been treated by said therapist for years… and who has alienated one of the other children in the family already!
I can’t underscore enough that if a therapist has been involved in the parental conflict, or has exclusively treated one parent, he or she must NEVER be counseling the minor children on how to adjust or process their parents’ choices, actions and behaviors, most especially without the prior consent of BOTH parents.
What makes me the expert? Fucking common sense, that’s what.
Moms and dads, if you really love your kids and want them to seek counseling to deal with the anxieties that accompany divorce, do them a favor and find a neutral party who will give priority and therapeutic allegiance to the minor patient, not you. Any, and I mean ANY argument for pushing a therapist you’ve been treated by without the other parent’s consent is SHADY, SELF SERVING, UNLOVING, ILLEGAL and MANIPULATIVE.
No word salad, bull shit here.
More to come,
Tanya S.
by tanyabittner | Aug 7, 2019 | Today
Because you dm’d me for examples from the last post and I happen to have a few fresh ones 😉
If your ex-spouse is telling your kids about all the fun things they could be doing with her if only they weren’t headed to your place for the (whole) week, that’s manipulation (by way of guilt tripping) and an-oh-so-subtle but effective, alienation technique.
EXAMPLE
- “Here’s a new (last minute) idea. There’s a flea market on Sunday morning but it’s only here the first Sunday of every month, and wouldn’t it be great if you got new furniture for your room (this specific Sunday only)? Why don’t you see about leaving dad’s early” — teaches BRIBERY and DISRESPECT
- It’s used furniture in this case. Child can get new furniture any other day of the week on mom’s time from Ikea, likely for cheaper. Mom should have asked dad’s permission directly to get child earlier before enticing child with a new fun idea on dad’s time who had his own plans for the day already in place. Causes undue stress on child and sets child up for disappointment, who will then blame dad for child not being able to get new used furniture, that one and only time you can ever get used furniture, everrrr.
EXAMPLE
- “We have last minute plans with family members here, can you get home early from your dad’s?” — teaches DISRESPECT and SUPERIORITY
- It teaches child that one family is more important than the other family and disrespects/devalues dad/child time. It also places child in the middle to negotiate (yet again). Parents must communicate directly. And honestly, if this kind of shit is going on in your situation then I’ll bet it’s a high conflict one and the court has likely already placed an order for a specific communication tool to be used. Refusal to use the tool is defiant and disrespectful. It’s also suspect… Not to mention, a violation of the court’s order – which is punishable if enforced… and **UPDATE** we’ve recently learned, it’s super enforceable.
Note: in this case, mom does not like the custody arrangement upheld by the court now, *four times* (over six years), most recently upheld in May 2019 where Mom was chastised by the court for trying to seek full legal custody of the kids. Mom will do anything and everything to convince the kids it’s a terrible custody arrangement. She’s already begun. Including attempting to alienate dad all together. We’ve seen her do this before. She’s a master manipulator. This is sadly, only the beginning.
EXAMPLE
- “I know you’ve still got 3 days with dad but wouldn’t you like to come home early and go to the symphony? You’ve been gone awhile and this would be far more enriching than hanging out with your dad. Your cousins will be there. They miss you and want to see you. See about getting home early” teaches BRIBERY and DISRESPECT
- Again, it also puts the kids in a position to be the negotiator, she bribes them something that sounds more fun than what dad has planned and completely disrespects the relationship child has with dad. The symphony, the flea market, and the family events will all still be there on mom’s time… the constant interruption and devaluation of dad’s time with child is subtle, repeated alienation, but alienation just the same. It frustrates the kids. They just want to please both sides. The squeaky wheel gets the most grease… and in this case, mom refused to pick the kids up at the ordered time for not being able to negotiate an earlier pick up time on their own. She told them to find their own way home.
EXAMPLE
- “At our house you can make your own plans and decisions about everything, you’re not 4 years old any more. It’s unreasonable that your dad is so rigid and won’t let you make your own plans and decisions at his house” — teaches BETRAYAL and DISRESPECT
- Your house, your rules. Their house, their rules. Parents of divorce must respect the rules of each other’s homes. It teaches children respect, rather than teaching disrespect or encouraging loyalty to only one parent: The one with better (or no) rules. In this case mom plants plans and ideas in the kids’ heads that otherwise weren’t there and encourages them to push for what they (*she), wants.
EXAMPLE
- “Your dad had no reason to take your phone away. So I’ll buy you a new one” —teaches BRIBERY and DISRESPECT
- Undermining the other parent’s house rules teaches child to disrespect the parent with the rules and also places child in a superior role to the parent trying to establish a fair and reasonable parental authority. Better said, it’s an inverted triangle technique. Placing the parent who took away the phone at the bottom point of the triangle (inferior) and placing child with new phone on equal and superior footing opposite the other parent who bought the new phone, at the top of the triangle. This is a dangerous psychosis for the child to be enmeshed in… where he/she is elevated to equal “adult” footing with one parent and the other parented is viewed as inferior, unworthy.
EXAMPLE
- “Your father left our family for another one” — teaches BLAME and DISRESPECT
- Mother in this case had a lengthy affair, and asked father to move out, and on with his life. After father does move out, and on, mother lies to children, flips the narrative, blames dad and successfully alienates him. And let’s not even talk about how INAPPROPRIATE it is to discuss marital problems with your children! The ultimate selfish act.
The alienation examples I have are far too numerous to count, let alone write out… the kids here are being taught one parent is superior in every way to the other one.
The kids are being used.
If this is also happening to your kids, you have options to fight back. Expensive ones. But options nonetheless.
More to come,
Tanya S.
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