by tanyabittner | Jul 18, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires
The concept of authenticity is thrown around a lot. There’s this universal idea or notion that you’re living “authentically” if you’re being honest with yourself.
“To thine own self be true.” Thank you Shakespeare.
I struggle with this MeNtAl impression of the concept because it seems contemplative; as though you’re just thinking about being authentic.
To me, it’s more authentic to (get to) know and understand the real you and then live that real you inwardly and outwardly. Easier said than done sometimes… I. Get. It.
It’s great to have a genuine self connection. But it’s gratifying to have a genuine connection with someone else!
How can you do that if you’re living authentically in private? Cue more Shakespeare:
“And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man”.
I am not saying you have to live your life publicly for it to be authentic or real. Despite my blog and social media posts, there are many personality traits, habits, thoughts and behaviors only those closest to me know about. As it should be. I’m talking about something more intense, more human, more… together.
In order to have meaningful, deep connections with people (which is so fulfilling!!) – I think you have to (first) be genuine, with them.
Connectedness leads to openness, leads to forgiveness, leads to compassion… for others. Less disappointment. For you; for them.
Try it… be you. Be real. Connect.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | May 28, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires, Today
It’s my belief that kids of divorce should live an equal amount of time with both parents. I feel it’s important to keep everyone as connected as possible. It’s been my experience the courts generally agree with this too, unless there are physical dangers for the children, signs of abuse or neglect, or the distance between the homes is too great. For the latter, that’s what Summers are for – it’s when you can really start to equalize things for the kids.
You don’t need a psychology degree to comprehend the importance of a healthy attachment between kids and both of their parents (especially during divorce), but you do need a heart, some compassion, and integrity to get it.
You’ve seen it before where one parent lacks those qualities and triangulates the kids into the spousal conflict because of an inability to integrate the reality of the divorce into his/her personality type. Dr. Craig Childress, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, CA says that personality type has a fear of abandonment and inadequacy. Childress says that type of parent puts a great deal of energy into keeping kids away from his/her ex-spouse to “show them” just who’s been abandoned, and who the inadequate parent is. The kids in this scenario lose… BIG TIME.
Why not make it easier on the kids?
Parents who control the amount of time children of divorce spend with their other parent are fostering a new hallmark of the parent-child relationship: Anxiety.
And it’s not just my opinion – studies show kids of divorced parents are far less stressed if they live part-time with each parent.
This contradicts some (vengeful) parents’ thinking that kids who move back and forth between homes have a social disruption and higher stress. Researchers at the Centre for Health Equity Studies in Stolkholm, Sweden wanted to know for sure.
The hypothesis: Kids who lived part time with both parents (of divorce) are less stressed than those who lived with just one parent.
The researchers looked at national data from almost 150,000 12 and 15 year-old students and studied their psychosomatic health issues including sleep problems, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite, headaches, stomachaches and feeling tense, sad or dizzy.
They found 69% of them lived in nuclear families, 19% spent time living with both parents and about 13% lived with only one parent.
Not surprisingly, kids in nuclear families reported the fewest psychosomatic problems, but the more interesting finding was that students who lived with both of their separated parents reported significantly fewer problems than kids who lived with only one parent.
Translation: kids of divorced parents are happier and healthier with both parents playing an equal active role in their daily lives.
An argument made for anything less is a disturbingly transparent logical fallacy.
Hot topic – more to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | May 9, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires
Whether you were the one who initiated the D word or your ex-spouse, inevitably: Life. Goes. On. More often than not, it’s happier too.
If you are newly separated, or recently served (yes, we ALL either serve – or – are served) with divorce papers, then this next paragraph is for you.
Divorce rips a jagged, deep trench in your heart whether it was a mutual decision to split or not. Sometimes the pain you feel is guilt for the scars you know your choices will leave on your kids’ tiny hearts and sometimes it’s more selfish. More raw and fleshy. Immobilizing you. A natural consequence of unravelling decades you spent making promises to each other that in the end – kids or not – neither of you will keep. A loss of identity. Who are you now? You will be scarred. No doubt about it.
Silver Lining: Scars represent old wounds. They chronicle your family’s journey, each one with a different perspective of what happened. But they also symbolize healing.
When we allow ourselves to heal, that’s when “life after divorce” can get wildly fulfilling! But you have to try. You can’t be a spectator in your own life.
Sure, you’ll find comfort and support among family and friends at first. They’re the best for having late night phone calls and sharing copious amounts of wine. But sooner or later you will have to sit alone and recreate your life.
Discover new desires, or rediscover buried ones.
Whether you asked for it or not, you have another shot at being your best you. Take the trips you wanted to take, read books (because you have more time now), get healthy, resurrect a career you always wanted, see old friends, hold your children closer, welcome love, and by all means, allow the energy of these new experiences to keep you moving forward.
You’ll know it’s time to let go of your past when you stop confusing your beating heart for throbbing scars.
Here’s (cheers) to having a happier life after divorce! I mean, what’s the alternative?
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Apr 12, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires, Today
It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for what you want. Asking for love, happiness, security, peace, and even forgiveness may feel vulnerable, but that openness shows great fortitude and resilience. Why? Because you will be denied. Repeatedly. When it happens your pulse will race, your heart will hurt… real bad. Your bones will ache, you can feel utterly immobilized. But that two-way flow of honesty (asking + rejection) will feed your soul and that’s when it begins to trust you. You. Can’t. Have. Pleasure. Without. Pain. The courage to ask again and again even though you’ve been rejected before means there’s an expansion happening. There’s nothing weak about that.
And let me tell you, when you nail it… when what you ask for is met with this mirror of acceptance, you are elated! Your heart leaps, your skin feels electric! You’re transported to cloud nine with a whole new level of zeal for all of your desires. Not just a high of receiving what you asked for this time… you are empowered and open to ask for more!
Often times your mind can stretch far enough to keep asking despite the potential of being met with an unwanted answer, but your heart and soul may be slow to follow after being hurt and rejected. Sometimes it’s the other way around entirely. Your heart and soul forgive and start moving faster than your mind will allow.
But when the internal tug-of-war ceases, these magical parts of you synch up and start to work in tandem… that’s alignment… and you’ll begin to see those branches on the decision tree of life more clearly… more paths for asking will be revealed.
Take them. There’s strength in movement.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Apr 4, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires
Metaphorically speaking, I like to think we all have an inner North Star… one consistent, never-changing compass of guiding principles, goals, or desires we aspire to live by. I have one :). My North Star has five points: happiness, peace, gratitude, strength and perseverance.
No matter how cluttered my life gets, I’m conscious of the points in my North Star every day. And believe me, divorced and blended families can be FULL of clutter. I don’t mean that in a pejorative sense, it’s just a reality that things can get messy and sometimes even crowded in blended families – especially for parties of six!
The messy part is especially true of divorced families with disgruntled ex-spouses at the helm of kids’ primary homes. I’m not talking about the exes who were legitimately wronged – though even then, you have to put your grievances aside and make decisions in the best interest of the children. I’m talking about the one’s who no longer wanted to be in their marriages, who betrayed their marital vows with lengthy affairs, or who asked their (then) spouses to leave the family home so they could carry on as singles… the exes who’ve done all of these things often lose composure (aka: freak out) when their soon-to-be ex-spouses move on and ultimately file for divorce.
Divorced parents listen up: on-going post-divorce negotiations about money and kids are necessary. They’re about two parents needing to co-exist in the best interest of the kids (repeat this phrase again and again) until they’re at least 18. Period. Psychologist Judith Wallerstein interviewed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. She learned, “what [kids] remembered about the post-divorce years was their sense that they had indeed been abandoned by both parents*”. So exes who get caught up in control, inflexibility, double-standards, and selfishness – guess what? They. Lose. Too.
Find your North Star instead of bickering about control. Take deep breaths. You need to think about what’s best for your kids now and be able to see around the corner into their future (even when the other parent doesn’t). What decisions are you making about their teenage years? How about college?
You need to be running parallel efforts – thinking about what’s best for the kids and you! Alignment with your guiding principles is important for everyone. After all, it is your life we’re talking about too. The kids grow, they have families of their own… don’t lose yourself in the process.
Live intentionally. Be your authentic you.
“For what you resist, persists” – unknown.
Don’t entertain the drama that comes in those post-divorce months and years. Center through it. Breathe. Have hope. Find your North Star and never take your eyes off it.
More to come,
Tanya B.
*Judith Wallerstein: Forget the Notion Divorce Won’t Hurt Kids. It Will.” Biography 1 (1997): 79-81.
by tanyabittner | May 13, 2014 | Thoughts & Desires
Cue hand wave – hi there!
Ugh, so sorry it’s been a while since I last posted to my temporary home here on tumblr, but it’s not because I haven’t been writing. Quite the opposite ~ I’ve been super busy with my family the past 30 days or so, making for some great material!
We’ve had plenty of kid activities to juggle, from dance competitions to soccer games, endless driving for the greater good, attorneys, nuances of ex-spouses (not mine), clients (past, present, and future), cultivating new friendships, cooking, cleaning, washing, homework, birthdays, and, and, and, #hashtagyougetthepicture (:
Balancing it all is part of my alignment journey and it feels so good to nurture this family of six. But, I also experienced a health scare. Nothing can make you examine and re-align your desires like staring down the barrel of your own mortality gun. Nothing.
So I’m reminded today of the importance of self. Self-love, self-compassion and self-care. As moms, step-moms, working moms, stay-at-home moms, ex-wives, wives, friends, colleagues, aunts, cousins, daughters, sisters… you name it – we all GIVE. Yes, dads do too.
We give a lot. We also feel guilty if we’re just flat out exhausted, have too much to do with no time to do it, or if we want to eat out instead of home made sometimes – ok – lots of times :-).
Brad and I know what it looks like when our family is thriving – really rocking – when each one of our needs is being met. Our joy revolves around being present as often as we can for each other and living as healthy as we can.
If any one of us is not well rested, well snuggled, well exercised, well nourished, well organized, even well meditated (the kids don’t quite get this concept yet, but they’re beginning to understand quiet time without electronics, *eye roll*), then we just wonder around misplacing items, forgetting to-do’s, feeling disappointed, yelling at the driver of the car in front of us, falling out of turns (dance talk), having bad touches of the soccer ball, missing tender, important, and fun moments and generally, we just run out of patience and steam.
Sound familiar?
I have great news:
1. You’re so not alone. Everyone has a multitude of minor daily irritations mixed in with some humdingers from time to time.
2. There’s wisdom and acceptance in those times. Yes, right there in the middle of all those messy parts is a chance to align.
Here’s the truth, we can’t handle it all without recharging, without self-care. We can’t feel good about needing to recharge without self-compassion. And, we can’t experience self-love if we’re worried about what could happen if we actually do pause to recharge. Worry-less.
There’s something sharp about awakening to the idea that you have to align your life in order to live your best. You need to recalibrate sometimes. Listen to your heart’s desires.
Be intentional always and by any and all means, when confronted with your typical or not-so-typical load of overwhelming situations, let yourself receive in order to give.
Receive a massage, a yoga class, a good talk with a dear friend, a long kiss (my favorite), whatever you need.
Take care of you.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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