by tanyabittner | Jul 22, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires
It is.
Work.
But if you knew the benefits of positive thinking, you’d never have a negative thought ever, ever again! – Said someone, I’m sure.
Ok, c’mon… that’s not entirely true because you’re human. You’ll experience or even cause, negativity. I can tell you though the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, I’ve spent consecutively thinking positively have yielded the most amazing outcomes! From blissful happiness, better health, awesome news, less stress, new friends, dream jobs, more money, lower debt, different homes, reliable vehicles, to fantastic opportunities – the list goes on!
Thinking positively takes a conscious amount of mental effort every day. Nah, every minute of every day.
Wait, you have enough “work” just to make it through a full 24 hours, right? Keeping upbeat at your job and around family, having to exercise, dabble on social media (for fun or for work), hang with friends, socialize with colleagues, entertain clients, take care of the kids, the pets, feed everyone, find time for date nights, chores, and even make-nice with strangers… all of it = work. Now I’m encouraging you to exert extra energy toward being positive inside and out too? Yes! Yes I am.
Nothing good comes easy. You know.
So… here are four tips to think positively as often as you can:
- DON’T LET NEGATIVE THOUGHTS IN. This tip is the easiest to put into practice. Every time a negative thought enters your inner dialogue, immediately stop it. Actually say (out loud if you need to), “Nope, caught myself, not letting that thought in”. Here are a few examples: “What the hell is that girl wearing? Wait, no. Judgement isn’t welcome here; that’s negative.” Or, “I’m never getting out of debt. Nuh-uh. I see myself getting out of debt and I will get out of debt.” How about this one, “My legs look terrible in this outfit. Stop. My legs look amazing in this outfit”. You get it.
- START EACH DAY WITH A MANTRA. This one is hard. No lyin’. You actually have to make time in your morning shower, or while you’re waiting to hit the snooze button, again, or during your workout, or before waking the kids up for camp, school, whatever… to make a promise to yourself, and keep it. For example: “Today I will not think about or talk about him, or her. Today I will be kind all day to anyone I see, speak with in person or over the phone. Today I will not let my co-worker bother me or my boss annoy me. Today I will not let my kids upset me. Today my words and body language will be warm… no matter what.” Keep your promise (s) to you. Besides, it feels so good to make others feel less, uneasy.
- LAUGH. Yep. This one – also tough… because unless you’re funny all by yourself, you’re going to need help. A movie, friend, loved one, a comedy club, a book, youtube, whatever. It requires you to take physical action to put you in a good mood. Challenging. Especially if you’re already in a negative mood. But… there is a sliver lining… if you’re practicing number one above, numbers two and three become easier!
- BREATHE. Not just to stay alive, silly. The kind of meditative-like breathing that only comes (while awake anyway) from a peaceful thought or from identifying a desire and mentally receiving it (also the start of alignment but I’ll write more about that in another post). Breathing in wants… and breathing out positivity. This tip isn’t easy either because so many of you have convinced yourselves you can’t sit quietly in thought whether your mind is in the present, past, or future. You’re just too busy for that relaxing, spiritual, mental, shit. Question – do you pray? Do you ask for something or are you thankful in those moments of prayer? What if you took it a step further, or rather, deeper… and just listened… the listening part… that’s a form of meditation. Feel the cadence of your breath when you’re listening? You are thinking positively simply by not thinking negatively in these moments. Try removing your tongue from the roof of your mouth too… Did you just do it and instantly become more relaxed? You don’t have to answer, I already know :). Calm. Peaceful. Centered. Happy. Positive… Breaths.
You will regress. You will get thrown from the nest. Tossed from your comfort zone. Taken out of your routine. Making it down right impossible to be positive.
You are not alone!
All of the above happened to me regularly this month – especially the thrown from the nest part :).
Extensive travel, missing Brad, worried about the kids, anxious about different sporting activities, witnessed my daughter experience a new opportunity that made me proud, giddy and hyperventilate at the same time, strange physical environments, both girls receiving fantastic news, and *heaps* of unwanted, unsolicited, negativity from someone over the phone (while at a dance competition)… Breathe.
See
How
I did that…. #4.
It, July, has been challenging and fantastically wonderful at the same time. So many lessons. Opportunities for growth. Evolution. So much MORE WORK to do.
Positivity is work.
But the days are so much better if you think and stay, positive. Do it with me :).
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Feb 5, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires
Where there was once order, there is now chaos. It’s just like that.
Life.
My favorite author of living beautifully is Pema Chodron… love what she says:
We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again.
So true isn’t it? Our lives are constantly transforming and evolving. Even when routines are in place, and things seem orderly (among the multitasking and over-scheduling), is j u s t about the time it all gets disrupted; turned on its head.
We hear some bad news, get grumpy in a parking lot, or we feel shitty about some event that happened, and we get all caught up (hooked) in the story line behind it. The “he said, she said, he did, she did, excuses, misinterpretations, frustrations and bad feelings” hook us and put us on the edge. Most of the time all that stuff is just unnecessary aggression because people are generally good with kind hearts. But we forget that when things get topsy turvy.
Our biggest problems are the ones we create for ourselves.
If we just practice looking at the situation or problem that has stirred up all the chaos, acknowledging it for what it is, and moving on (when we’re ready) with a fresh perspective and rededicated mindfulness to try our damnedest never to feel that shitty again – the sooner we’re deepening our understanding of life and order is restored.
Until next time.
It feels yucky, but as Chodron would say, “it’s good to be thrown from the nest”.
We regularly miss these moments of chaos for the lessons they truly are. When things are uneasy we panic and freak out – we tell ourselves, “it means something is wrong”.
It’s not true. There’s just some disorder we need to sort through. It is what it is.
Embrace the lessons and the opportunities presenting themselves and climb back in the saddle… ‘er nest :). This time. Every time.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Jan 20, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires
It’s as reactionary as pulling your hand off a hot stove. Guilt. It happens instantaneously when you think you’ve really blown it. Ever noticed how close the words gut and GUilT are?
It’s ok to be mindful in that moment and feel that pain. In fact it’s healthy psychologically and emotionally to feel remorse. But eventually you have to let the guilt pass through you. You have to forgive yourself.
You’ve already acknowledged what you’ve done and know you never want to feel like that again; though you will because… human. imperfect.
And this is exactly what you want to practice: resisting the urge to stay with that panicky energy.
Pema Chodron says you want to strengthen the ability to drop the panic and shed the back story attached to the feeling. The feeling becomes less intense without the storyline. Unfortunately the nauseating pain in your gut doesn’t go away quite as fast as it arrived but Chodron says, being aware of it gives meaning to your suffering.
Often times there’s a disparity between our intentions and our actions. Guilt isn’t the only emotion we experience when something doesn’t go our way or when we unwittingly make a mess of things. We become impatient, frustrated, and unreasonable. Just like our kids (cue smirk).
If you’ve blown it recently I’m sincerely sorry to hear it. Acknowledge it, breathe-it-in, forgive yourself, and hold that acute awareness closer next time. It’s all you can do.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Nov 29, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires
If you’re a frequent reader of my blog, you know I write a lot about alignment, blended families, divorce, marriage, some hard hitting topics and plenty of uplifting ones :). If you’re not a frequent reader, whatever brought you here this time, welcome!
We have so much to be thankful for this holiday weekend, this year… ahh, just thankful period. Essential to that grateful point of view is realizing what we will no longer accept. So today I’m writing to shed light on something that’s been a dark part of our lives for more than three years – something we are all now ready to purge, draw some awareness to, and ultimately let go knowing we did everything we could.
Psychological child abuse. It’s an unfortunate reality for many high-conflict marriages, separations, and divorces that involve children. Just like any other type of abuse, a frighteningly high percentage of victims don’t tell anyone about the abuse, and we all know abusers never tell.
The type of psychological child abuse I’m writing about trains kids to hate one of their own loving parents. It teaches kids they don’t need both parents; “one is enough”. It’s the kind of child abuse that involves “hours of rehearsing” scripted storylines with children so they can deliver a message of hate to a caring parent as though it were their own idea. It’s the kind of child abuse that programs kids to degrade their own parent (not just once or twice but) for years… and this kind of child abuse practices isolation from one parent – preventing phone calls, preventing visits, and discouraging all other methods of communicating freely with a loving parent.
I’m not talking about behavior that can be rationalized away as “disgruntled kids or teens pissed off because mom and dad got divorced”. I’m talking about kids receiving overt, clear instructions from one parent to hate, mistreat, lie to, spy on and withdraw from, the other parent.
This kind of child abuse is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and yes, the abuser is the child’s own parent. This abusive parent is also known as the alienating parent or the preferred parent. The rejected parent is known as the targeted parent or the alienated parent. PAS typically stems from a nasty marriage, separation or divorce but it can, and often does begin well before the separation or divorce is ever initiated. The verbal abuse and blatant disrespecting of one parent is usually happening in the family home for some time so the acceptable mistreatment of one parent is being taught early.
Before you read on, I want to be clear this post covers my interpretation of parental alienation from personal experience as an intimate witness to this type of abuse and the devastating effects it’s had on my husband. We’ve spent hours upon hours in professional sessions with psychology experts knowledgeable about PAS, not to mention thousands of dollars in legal fees and court battles. Sadly though, my interpretation aligns perfectly with expert analysis on this syndrome. I can check every box.
If you are a targeted parent reading this and you’ve lost communication with one or all of your kids at the hands of your ex, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. And… it is a loss just like a death. Therapists say being alienated from your child can feel gut wrenchingly similar. It means no phone calls with your son or daughter, no emails, no texts, no visits, no birthday celebrations, no milestone celebrations, no mother or fathers’ day wishes, no promotions, no graduations, no vacations, no pictures, likely even no weddings or births of grandkids. No communication of any kind. It’s like they’re dead. Only they’re not. Well… not in the literal sense anyway.
Studies show most alienating parents fear the child or children will choose the other parent’s “side” in the relationship conflict or a divorce and abandon them. So in an effort to prevent that from happening, alienating parents brainwash, over-share inappropriate adult information, lie, and manipulate the child into no longer wanting anything to do with the other parent in an attempt to bolster their own parental identity. In many cases they even use the child as a pawn to try and win their former spouse back: “If I take away access to the child my ex will realize I am her gatekeeper and come back to me if he wants to be in the child’s life.” Or, “Until my ex is nice (er) to me, I’m keeping the child from him.”).
See, these alienating parents have an inability to separate the parental conflict from the needs of the children which is: for the children to have loving relationships with both parents. They just don’t understand intellectually and emotionally that when separated or divorced parents argue and say nasty things to each other, which they do, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KIDS. The kids should never know about it and they certainly shouldn’t be used as therapists, pawns, friends, shoulders to cry on or confidants. For alienating parents though, reality is fuzzy… they are self-centered and self-serving. It’s all about them – but if you listen to an alienating parent, you’ll hear them talk ad nauseam about the struggles and sacrifices they’re making for their children. PAS abusers always play the martyr.
If you’re an alienating parent reading this (and you know if you are) I hope you get the mental help you need before your children end up with a syndrome of their own and grow up to hate you as they become adults and parents. And studies show, they probably will.
Yep… it’s coming. Parental alienation has long term effects on these kids. Dr. Amy Baker, Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from Teachers College of Columbia University and a parental alienation expert, writes that adult alienated children of divorce report their parental abuser isolated them from the other parent, encouraged a denial of emotional responsiveness about the other parent, even spurning them if they wanted to visit with or spend time with other parent (Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51, 16-35).
Psychiatrist Dr. William Bernet, professor emeritus of Vanderbilt University and a parental alienation researcher who also works with alienated kids of divorce, together with other colleagues including Baker, agree with eight identified criteria for diagnosing parental alienation (JAAPL: 41:1:98–104, March 2013). I’ve offered easy to understand examples in parenthesis:
- Campaign of denigration against the targeted parent (saying nasty, harmful things)
- The child’s lack of ambivalence (appears to have no feelings for targeted parent; highly unnatural)
- Frivolous rationalizations for the child’s criticisms against the targeted parent (superficial reasons i.e.: “you’re not interesting”)
- Reflexive support for the alienating parent against the targeted parent (one parent is all good, the other all bad)
- The child’s lack of guilt over exploitation and mistreatment of the targeted parent (no compassion or empathy)
- Borrowed scenarios (whereby the child borrows the alienating parent’s reasons as their own)
- Independent Thinker Phenomenon (where the child claims their resistance to seeing the targeted parent derives from their own independent thought and not the result of the other parent’s influence)
- Spread of the child’s animosity toward the targeted parent’s extended family or friends (disdain for grandparents, aunts/uncles, stepparents/siblings)
Bernet and Baker define parental alienation (PA) like this:
A mental condition in which a child, usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict separation or divorce, allies himself strongly with one parent (the preferred parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without legitimate justification. PA features abnormal, maladaptive behavior (refusal to have a relationship with a loving parent) that is driven by an abnormal mental state (the false belief that the rejected parent is evil, dangerous, or unworthy of love).
I’m not (yet) going to get into the heaps of psychological research and findings which are also in line with my personal belief: Parents who alienate children from their fathers and mothers suffer from mental illness.
I’m no mental health professional, that’s for sure. However the experience I’m familiar with sent me down a research path to try and understand how one parent can do this to his/her own children and also even to the mother/father of their children. Unfortunately I found the personality traits of a parent who intentionally keeps kids away from their other loving parent are eerily similar to those also found in people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder:
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without any achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerated achievements and alleged talents – charlatans
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about brilliance or the perfect mate
- Believing that they’re superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special “brilliant” people
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Expecting special favors but won’t give any
- Taking advantage of others to get what they want
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the feelings of others
- Being envious of others while believing others envy them and therefore they must be miserable
- Behaves in an arrogant or haughty manner
- Fear of abandonment
- Unstable, intense relationships
- Impulsiveness, eating disorders
- Rage
If mental illness is the root cause, I can find some compassion. Problem is, researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health say mental illness often goes undiagnosed.
My two girls are fortunate their father and I love them both and respect each other so we co-parent well together and encourage healthy, loving, easy going relations on both sides. Unfortunately that’s not the reality for most divorced families and until recently, lady justice has been a bit lopsided here.
But the courts are catching on… finally. Not in time for the situation that’s shattered parts our family, but more and more alienated kids around the country are becoming adults and sharing their stories. Divorce rates are increasing, the number of kids whose parents are involved in high-conflict divorces is increasing, and adult kids of alienation voicing the psychological abuse they experienced at the hands of their “preferred parent” is increasing. That trifecta is starting to penetrate the family court system across the country. More on this in a later blog.
For now, I will leave you with a very moving video of a woman, a mother who is a survivor of parental alienation. Her story is almost identical to the one I am familiar with though the abuser in this video – is a father. The master manipulation techniques, lies, over-sharing, parent/child role reversal, spying, exploitation and verbal abuse is indistinguishable from the situation I’ve witnessed for more than three years. Parental alienation is real.
Special message: We will never give up fighting for you. However, for the mental, emotional and physical well being of everyone else in our family, we are moving on. You know where to find your Papa if and when you’re ready.
Awareness. Acceptance. Healing. Happiness. Light. Love. Freedom.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Aug 23, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires
It takes courage after divorce to look at yourself in this new way. In love. I know what you’re thinking, “how can I be in a meaningful relationship when I’ve closed a chapter of my life that involved… wait for it, being in a meaningful relationship?”
I get it. Sorta. I mean, I get the self loathing, and feeling like a failure part. I just don’t believe you only get one shot at love. And neither should you.
Regardless of the reasons for unravelling your marriage, if you’ve found yourself in a position to experience love again, please allow your heart to be touched. You’ll be surprised at how light the burden feels when you stop putting conditions on yourself to be happy. When you start forgiving yourself.
“If I wait for this to happen, then I can date or love”. Or, “My ex isn’t ready for me to move on publicly so I’ll put my happiness on hold”. Or, “I’m going to wait for my ex to find happiness first, then I will find some”. Or how about this one, “My ex has moved on and I’m humiliated so I can’t move on”. STOP! Are YOU ready to love again?
If the answer is yes, then this could be a real chance to get to know yourself and someone else, in a deeper way than you did before. Whether it’s for a day, a week, a month or a lifetime, allowing your heart to be touched feels so roomy… so much space opens up.
Pema Chodron is one of my favorite writers. I love this paragraph she wrote about what it feels like to have an open heart:
“There’s an immense sense of well-being, which doesn’t have anything to do with pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad, hope or fear, disgrace or fame. It’s something that simply comes to you when you feel that you can keep your heart open.”
Isn’t that powerful? That’s you! You can love again.
Your identity was coupled with someone else’s for so long I’ll bet the last thing you want to do is share your new or reclaimed selfhood with anyone. I don’t see it that way but I understand the position.
I believe in order to love (even better than you thought you did before) you need to inhale your partner completely. That belief isn’t for everyone but to me, being in love means you get lost in the other person. I’m not suggesting you lose yourself. Check it.
I mean, consider allowing yourself to wander around in all the senses of someone else.
When you find yourself lost on the freeway because you’ve missed an exit and need to turn around… you haven’t lost your sense of self, you’ve just lost your sense of direction. Love isn’t like that.
There is no destination in true love. It’s an exploration.
More to come,
Tanya B.
by tanyabittner | Aug 8, 2015 | Thoughts & Desires
If it feels like you’re forcing it – you probably are and, should probably stop. Whether it’s trying (so hard) to convince someone to finally acknowledge your skills and talent or pushing too hard for love and affection from someone you’re in a one-sided relationship with – STOP.
When you stop forcing your energy away, hence giving up your power, you’ll start to feel the force and power of your energy.
You are capable and deserving of success. You are capable and deserving of deep love. Shifting your energy in a new direction isn’t quitting, it isn’t packing up your tent and going home. It’s finding a new home.
Plants won’t grow in polluted soil but when they’re replanted in healthier soil, they thrive!
If you’re not getting the nutrients you need to grow and develop, cut yourself some slack, redirect that energy toward finding a better environment, then get down to work realizing your heart’s desires. It’s always about alignment.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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