I’ve Moved On

by | Sep 20, 2018 | Thoughts & Desires

Hiya 🙂

Welcome back!  You’ve probably noticed I’ve moved on from the, “you can do it”, “your future is bright”, “the world is your oyster, go get it” posts. Not that there’s anything wrong with those types of junior motivational messages, but you’re more sophisticated than that now.  I can tell.  You’ve evolved with me, and we’re six years into this practice of alignment, positivity and peace!  Six years!  Wowzie. You’re needing something a lot more introspective, relatable, and tangible.  Because, you’re introspective, relatable, and tangible 😉.

I haven’t abandoned my writings on blended families either! That will be a cornerstone of everything I/we create because our families are forever blended and, there are so many nuances to divorced and remarried life there’s just no way anyone can traverse these peaks and valleys without extra doses of strength and grace (ha!). I need it. You need it. 

We ALL need help. Especially single moms. I have e x t r a compassion for you. 

But, right now our latest strength and grace “need”, is around the kids heading to college. Actually, wait. No. 

What’s maybe even more important is, some of the kids are entering the: I’m an 18 year old, I can go wherever I want and see whichever parent I want, whenever I want, phase of ‘life after divorce’. And, it’s fucking glorious. I can already tell how Karma will likely either settle her scores or cash-out with those who’ve made the real sacrifices. Wonder where the kids will choose to be on holidays and summer breaks 🤔… 

Anyway, point is I’m working on new ways to help as we move through the years, together. With new content, a new brand, new direction, even contributors! All of it. In my spare evenings (which I’m both grateful for and sad about at the same time). I’m thankful for kid-free, five-hour dance nights, four times a week — where we can dream, strategize, and calendar our goals (ok, I mean have wine 🍷 😂).  But, seriously we’re also basically empty-nesters in training. Our four kids are in school all day and LITERALLY gone all evening either because they live other places during the school week, or they dance from after school until 9:30 at night (and oftentimes I’m asleep before they make their way home at 10pm). 

See how the topics are changing? These new challenges need to be explored and thoroughly discussed in a thoughtful way, not glossed over. Alas, I promise to revamp the look, feel, purpose and functionality of this site in 2019. We need a more aligned, evolved digital presence with content that marries the blog with my book editing and publishing journey (@thelandofmanywaters). 

We’re at the baby-crawling/infancy stage with this project, but wanted you to know we’re on it.  We’re collaborating with an award winning, global branding firm, Partners and Hawes next spring (our first official meeting may even be IN Puerto Vallarta!!) and exciting things and tools are on the horizon for everyone, including you!

Ahhhh, P E A C E. Progress. I’ll take ‘em both when I can get ‘em and right now, I got ‘em ✌🏽!

Meantime, let’s talk about REACTIONS.  Sorry, sharp convo turn ☺️. 

Ok. Reactions? Why? Weeellll, it’s part of the practice and feels like I should leave you with something to work on after all this reading :). So, you already know that the alignment practice is paying off when you react LESS AND LESS to the negative energy flying at you multiple times a day. It’s because you’re simply (with great difficulty) staying in your peace lane more often than veering into the fast-paced, fast-reacting, lane.  

Right. 

Now, I’m not suggesting ever – that you ignore or take on a spectator’s role in all the negative stuff happening. No. But no matter what you’re going through or who it involves, this practice isn’t about “them”. Quite the opposite… it’s ALL about, you. 

I’m talking about staying in *your* center and in *your* honest ego-less, truth. Ego-Less.

But first, you gotta own your shit darling.  You gotta know when you’ve been a jerk. You. Not them. If you carry your head high and never, not once, ever, think you’ve done anything wrong in your past or present, believing you have never been unreasonable, nasty, dishonest, intentionally crossed a line or been manipulative, a day in your life, then you need this community we’re building more than anyone.  And, you should probably be in a therapeutic environment — stat.  

Disclaimer: I’m not talking about heavy stuff here like sexual abuse or harassment. If you’re a victim, you are not responsible for anything that happened to you. That’s not what this post is about. But we will talk about these issues on the new site. They’re close to home.

We need humble healers, broken hearts *and* minds, angry and happy warrior prince and princesses, and all the do-gooders. We even need the, let’s say… expressive and explosive, exes. For example, when cameras are rolling unbeknownst to you, as you’re picking up your kids from your ex’s house and you peel out of his driveway before your kid closes his door, nearly running dad over in the process, you have some *serious healing* to do and self accountability to practice. Don’t ever fucking do it again. But, you are still welcome here :).

Ok, carrying on… REACTIONS.  You are going to have encounters with people who are more spiritually and emotionally mature than you, and you will come in contact with people who have less spiritual and emotional maturity, than you.  We need to engage with both kinds of people to practice. I will tell you first hand, the most mature ones often frustrate me equally as much as they teach me, because they really have their stuff together. They’re the obvious teachers, ok. 

But the least mature ones are actually the “best teachers”! Why? They have no clue what they’re doing. They’re just fire-hosing their shit everywhere leaving you to dodge left, right and center. Leaving you to REACT. To Them. Which is the lesson isn’t it… how to react. Well, we start from a place of understanding. 

“We can only control ourselves and meet people as far as they are willing and able to meet us.” – unknown.

Practice for you. 

I’ve gotta jet, but can’t wait to come back to you soon! Meantime, follow me on instagram if you haven’t already @media_tanya (oh, that handle’s changing soon too)!

More to come,

Tanya S.

Drop it like it’s hot – real life…

by | May 29, 2017 | Thoughts & Desires

Ok, let’s just take a moment to appreciate the fact that we have indeed overcome… we haven’t NOT made it through anything yet, right? Those scary times, the frustrating ones, devastating heartbreak, injustice, loss, financial stress, health issues, disappointment, embarrassment, betrayal… whatever it was you once thought you’d never make it through… you did. You’re alive – reading this – which means you made it. Or you’re working through it.

Sure, you may be different now. Scarred, broken, tougher, weaker, jaded, more humble, less healthy, healthier, more financially secure, less financially secure, in therapy, whatever…  Maybe you’re just pissed off… but You. Are. Here.

I’m with you!

Fuck am I with you.

I haven’t written in a few months and so much has happened but I don’t have the energy to recap it.  Not yet. I will one day because it’s important shit but the time isn’t now.  What is worth talking about is the God’s (and I’ve never been closer to Him) honest truth that what we put energy into had better be what we want more of because it’s coming! What you think about most, materializes.

#lessons

This post isn’t a tell-all (though that may come) but, can we get real for a sec? Because – I never want anyone to think my life (as depicted on social media) is the only dimension. My life IS pretty fucking good from where I sit. But it’s not perfect. Ya’ll know that perfect shit doesn’t exist. I won’t post my worst wife, friend, family, ex-wife, or parenting moments – but they happen! My relationships are flawed, my body is almost 45, but… I’ve entered the age of wisdom (grins).  Which really means menopause (more detail coming on this soon). Oh yes… menopause has hit early, and there’s so much crazy!

Meantime.

MY BODY:

I have lots of cellulite, stretch marks, wrinkles, three tattoos, currently rocking and loving some long-ass hair extensions, I have a goofy gap in my upper lip (super bad fall 20 years ago; split it open so bad half my lip covered my nostrils), I have NEVER had plastic surgery (but I may one day). The only injections I’ve ever had were in 1997: hormones in my ass (3 times) to treat endometriosis. I feel and look better when I workout every day but actually only do it two or three times a week. I fucking love my job (even though no one knows what I do) and I was born in 1972.

RELATIONSHIPS:

I married Rob in 1995. We separated in 2012 and finalized our divorce, finally,  in 2014. It was painful. Excruciating, almost unrecoverable kind of painful. But it was right. We made two beautiful, fucking strong, smart, talented, fierce – my mom would be so proud – girls. We have a great friendship. But like any *real* friendship, we fight and then resolve things. Sometimes quickly, sometimes it takes months. Sometimes we even believe we’ll never speak again and threaten to hire attorneys (which we’ve never done, not yet anyway). Then we do speak again. I call it being family.

Rob has a fiancĂŠ, Kristi, and she has two daughters. They are all wonderful, kind, generous, good, and understanding.

I married Brad in 2014, and I have never been more adored, loved, respected, and appreciated in all my life. Never. I have also never loved as madly, passionately, and – right through my bones – been completely in love.  But for having my children, which is a different (altogether… intentionally placed) love – THIS, this is sheer willed, dreamed-into-life, magical, earth shattering, fucking raw, unapologetic, reciprocal, sexy, tender, fun, L O V E.

Brad has two boys. They are the little (bigger than me) loves of our life. Handsome, smart, and have more to say than they are capable of sharing now. Their time is coming but I suspect it will have less to do with us and more to do with their future choices.

Do we ALL get all along? Yes. We do. Hate us for it, like us for it, but we just do.

Disclaimer: Brad has an ex-wife. We don’t get along. “Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge” – Don Henley.  Brad also has an 18 year old daughter.

Our life is rich. It’s full, filled. It’s so 2017 in the month of May! Thank God for growth and enlightenment and forgiveness, and for this spectacular chance at peace. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the REAL happen here.  Don’t think for one second it’s easy; it ain’t (yes, I know “ain’t” is a controversial word in grammar but it’s relatable, so… ain’t, ain’t, ain’t)!

So much more to come,

Tanya B.

2016 Was a Hell of a Year

by | Nov 21, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires

2016 has actually been pretty great.  Right up until the day before my 44th birthday (in early October) – things had really fallen into place this year. On the blended family front, routines were well established, boundaries respected (for the most part), everyone budgeted for the dough coming in, and going out.  There was an easiness to one side of the divorce equation and an appreciated/welcomed quiet on the other side. Sure, there was shit peppered like fertilizer throughout the year, but new things grew from it and so overall, there were far more good times than bad!

Speaking of unpleasant experiences… let’s just get it out of the way, “the election” was nasty. It was sandwiched between all that goodness and those sub-par moments like gross, orange custard in a layer cake when most people just wanted frosting in the middle. Problem is, now that you’ve bit into it, you have to eat it, because it’s polite and respectful but all you want to do is fast forward (four years) until it’s all over.

Anyway, 2016 has been a significant, evolutionary year. Life was more aligned than ever. Work is and was amazing, the girls are thriving at dance and school, August had a stellar year of football, and even though Mas was injured most of the season, his desire to play soccer and remain athletic was renewed.  Brad is enjoying his new work with an old friend, and the significance and blessing of our beautiful love story is revealed exponentially, day-after-day.  Most especially during tough times – I know I can always count on my husband to pick me up (sometimes quite literally), and make it all better.

So, without writing about exactly what happened October 7th – let’s just say by happenstance, I learned someone I trusted completely had been secretly plotting to settle an old score – one we agreed just a few years earlier, though heartbreaking – was mutually regretful and we equally shouldered the blame.  Peace was made.  Or so I thought.

Having gone through the five stages of grief more times than I can count, I knew exactly what was happening when I felt all those emotions come in waves over the last month – I’ve been grieving a loss. The loss of a 30 year friendship that brought with it the kind of familial love that didn’t need coercing, it just remained even though there was no need for it to.

Well, that’s gone now.

Extinguished.

I can’t say if it’s for the best or not yet because the casualties haven’t all been counted and I can’t see around the corner, let alone into the future.  But, it’s the right outcome for me.  I promised myself five years ago I wouldn’t allow negative attachments (past or present) to take hold of my life ever again.

I’m healing. Fresh life is being breathed in, and new realities are being worked through and I know everything will always be ok – because we’re always meant to be going through exactly what we are going through.  There are no wrong turns or bad choices – just turns, and choices.

Things happen to us. Surprise us. Hurt us. Make us happy. It’s life. Unpredictable, uncertain, life.

Thank God we’re alive!

I never want to give the impression life is charming 24/7.  That’s crazy.  Truth is, it’s pretty fucking great most of the time, but there are days I’m rocked emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.  It’s real. I’m real. Just like you.

Going for relatable here.  We’re all in this together.

Here’s to a peaceful, healthy, and happy 2017.

More to come,

Tanya B.

 

 

 

Pushover – Revised

by | Oct 16, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires

“I’m not a pushover any more. I stand up for myself”!.  Overheard this last week. No, I wasn’t eavesdropping – let’s say I was privy to an unwelcome, haughty conversation.

On its face, there’s nothing wrong with those words.  It’s always better to have a voice, than not.  No one wants to be taken advantage of.  However,  there’s a difference between defending yourself or a position, and just being a jerk.

Spewing venom isn’t standing up for yourself – it’s just spewing venom.

Being principled is one thing.  A good thing actually.  But harboring feelings of anger and resentment while secretly plotting revenge is not standing up for yourself either.  At worst, it’s malicious. At best, you’re projecting.

Example: “I think of myself as a pushover so I am going to say awful things to you and accuse you of thinking I’m a pushover”.

And since we’re weeks away from a Presidential Election here in the US, here’s another example of projection:

Trump on the US: “We are the laughingstock of the world”.

Translation: Trump thinks Trump is the laughingstock of the world.  

Conflict is often about perception, which is “reality”.  For everyone.  Especially during a war of the words.

When you are in a conflict with someone, all perceptions are distorted.  Yours and theirs.

It’s precisely when we ought to be honest and clear about our feelings in relationships… but we’re silly humans and so we rarely communicate well in those moments, instead we act out; try and settle some old score.  Our need to be right supersedes the need to understand, forgive and be forgiven.  We need to win.

Is it a lack of confidence? Or, fear? Is it societal? Maybe he/she never learned how to communicate? Or, perhaps he/she just doesn’t care… Either way, it doesn’t matter, because:

Conclusions are lethal. – Danielle LaPorte.

If you’re historically a non-communicator but have now suddenly, or through an awaking process, found your voice (you’re non-pushover self) it must be exhilarating – like an out-of-control water hose!  You’re just communicating all over the place! Good for you.

But just because you couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate before, doesn’t mean the person or persons you were in a relationship with then, didn’t want you to.  In fact, I’ll bet they even asked you to – a lot.

It all comes back to HONEST introspection. Then alignment.

I’m far more interested in personal evolution – have been for five years.  In fact, I’m attracted to it (good news for Brad :)).  I want to believe we’re all doing our part individually to be better versions of ourselves, for a better world.  Idealistic? Aspirational? Maybe. But if someone is too rigid, out to get even, can’t compromise, then I’ll disengage. That energy is too toxic and NEVER yields a victory.

More to come,

Tanya B.

 

Authenticity

by | Sep 28, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires

Oh em gee this one word… it gets so much air time for all the wrong reasons.

For example:

“The Kardashians aren’t authentic”.

Well, I disagree. And no, this post isn’t about Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe… they’re just an illustration; a case in point. And, they’re pop culture phenomenons.

Let me (try to) explain.

Authentic synonyms: genuine, real, bona fide, true, veritable.

Are you inauthentic if you dye your hair, get Botox, have a boob job, nose job, butt job, and take hundreds of selfies over a vacation?  I don’t think so. For the record, I don’t even know if the Kardashians have had any enhancements.  I also don’t think the Kardashains behave much differently behind the cameras as they do in front of them. When are they ever not in front of a camera? I mean, they made their reality TV debut almost 10 years ago – we’ve. watched. them. for. 10. years.  Sure, their physical appearances have changed some, but in large part, at each new chapter of their lives, they’ve consistently evaluated situations and adjusted their lifestyles accordingly. Divorce, Transgender Issues, Relationships, Motherhood, Near Death Experiences, Childhood Loss, and more.  Not sure those get more “authentic”. The Kardashians were present in those moments, and evolved right on through them.

Nah, I think authenticity is confused a lot with the word, “natural”.  My hair is currently blondish, but naturally it’s brown with a hell of a lot of grey.  I have cellulite, wrinkles, dark circles, stretch marks and age spots.  I’ll be 45 years old next year and while I’ve neither had Botox, a boob job, nose job, lip injections nor a butt job (is that really a thing?), I do color my hair and I’m known to take selfies. So what? Big effing Deal. I think I’m both natural and authentic.

Authenticity especially, is deeper for me.  It’s when your words are backed by your actions and align with your beliefs and values at that place in time.

Authenticity means living your truth with integrity as you grow, as you age, as you transition, as. you. evolve.

Can you believe the truth you’re living today is authentic… but then, days, weeks, years later – challenge that truth, and realize a new one? YES. For example, I never imagined myself divorced. Marriage was a belief system with vows you did not break. Yet here I am, divorced and happily, peacefully remarried to someone else.

Disclaimer: I am not an advocate of divorce.  I also don’t judge people who are divorced.

Does being divorced mean I am inauthentic? No, it means my belief about suffering, love, happiness, loyalty, and fulfillment changed. Dramatically. I grew up in an environment where you bottled up your pain, love (while it couldn’t flip on-and-off) came with strings attached, loyalty was fleeting, and fulfillment didn’t matter.

Rather quickly and painfully, I got to know myself more intimately.  From that revelation, I consciously decided to unleash childhood grief and misery, heal, accept unconditional love, happiness was no longer defined by the caliber of “friends” I kept, or the school my kids attended, loyalty is resolute especially (most especially) when times are tough, and fulfillment isn’t a story book ending it’s the achievement of having been healed, loved, received happiness, and embraced loyalty.

I’m still the same person. I’m still kind. I’d still give my life for anyone I love. Even for those I don’t speak with regularly. And, I’d also still bite your head off (or worse) if you hurt my kids. Same me with some new, grown-up truths.  At what point do we take the beliefs and values bestowed upon us as children by our parents and other care givers, evaluate them, and decide for ourselves what we believe in and value as adults? For some, it happens in their teens. For me, it happened as an adult, after I’d already become a mother and almost immediately after my own mother died.

That’s when the seed to live authentically in a new way began to grow.  As my old life became increasingly foggy – the clarity I subconsciously sought in order to survive became a watering mechanism.  A new side of my authenticity emerged.  A better version of who I was branded to be.  My beliefs aren’t all that dissimilar from when I was kid, neither are my values.  I just began to challenge the environmental foundation from which they were built. You can’t bolster an entire life on match sticks… there’s just too many wicks at-the-ready to catch fire and scorch the earth. Which is exactly what happened.

Told you it wasn’t about the Kardashians :).

It’s actually all about personal choices. Sexual, spiritual, political, whatever.  Care less about the social triggers, pressures and reality shows, and more about you.  Evolving, growing, high-integrity, authentic – you. Let’s respect each other, forgive, and always ask, “how would I feel if it happened to me”…

More to come,

Tanya B.

 

 

 

Emotional Purging

by | Sep 19, 2016 | Thoughts & Desires

This is crazy!  When I first wrote the story below, it was mid-way through September. Hadn’t published it because I don’t publish everything I write… but, today (10.10.16), when I logged in to write a new post (At Peace) – I saw Emotional Purging in the “drafts” folder and was DUMBFOUNDED that two different old wounds had resurfaced (in much the same way) almost a month apart from one another – oddly in and around my daughter’s two high school dances of the year.  This was a sign if I’ve ever seen one!  I had to publish it when it should have hit which is why you’ll see it as new content occurring in the past.  Life is so wonderfully strange!

Emotional Purging.

It can be the best free therapy e v e r.  I generally know when I need to rid my mind of old garbage. What about you? When you’re feeling angry, sad or frustrated about something and all those emotions are swirling around in your head like the inside of a hornets’ nest do you make a conscious effort to get rid of it?

Maybe you vent to someone, cry, punch bags, run miles and miles, burn pictures and letters in the fire pit out back, whatever it takes!  Everyone gets rid of mental and emotional clutter differently.

I actually just did this recently – emotionally purged.  And it was very unexpected.

It started on a Friday evening.  I was in the throes of merrily entertaining a few teenagers who were getting ready for a high school dance. I had been flitting back and forth between cooking in the kitchen (even had the apron on) and taking pictures for their Instagram accounts in the backyard.  It’s where I learned the correct way to snap a boomerang (you count to three out loud, but hold the button down on two).  Anyway, I was also singing along to Fleetwood Mac and Bryan Adams’ songs, texting with Brad, checking social media, and laughing when BAM! Like someone splashed cold water on me – I was instantly immobilized and the last four years of my life came out of the walls around me and zoomed past my ears.

Not going to get into the details but in broad strokes,  I unexpectedly came across something. Something that made me want to grab my passport and jump on a plane headed to Mexico.

The old me would’ve done that too.  I was a well conditioned flight risk back then, that’s for sure. But I had these kids here and more were coming – they all needed to eat, they wanted more pictures, they needed a ride to the dance, and in the meantime, they needed me to be the light, fun mom. Not the “take off to Mexico”, mom.

After they jumped out of the SUV, waved bye and turned toward the gym where the dance was taking place – I caught my breath. Felt like I’d held it for hours.  Now what? I mean I didn’t go looking for this – I was as happy as could be seconds before – I didn’t have time for it – I didn’t want any of it. R O A R!

Human.

You’re re-conditioned to react differently now – come on, inhale, exhale (I told myself all of these things).

Ignore the backstory.

Separate it from what you saw.

Breathe…

Still not working.

All I wanted to do was go back in time and take care of business. You know what I mean. Really let someone have it!

Wait? I still can (I thought).  Can’t I?

Yes. I could go back to the future. But what good would it do? No one else would see it coming either.  I ran through scenarios of what taking care of business would mean for a lot of people. It wasn’t good. There was no healthy outcome for anyone.

Fuck it – well into Saturday by now, I decided there was no other way out of this emotional hold.

So I started to write and write and write – and come Monday morning I was still writing.  Then I got to the end.  The very last word. Three days of unexpected purging led to righteousness in one word at the end of a journal entry.  One freaking word. I paused. Questioned my initial motive for wanting to go back to the future and really let someone have it… and then, I smiled.  One word and forgiveness and peace finally came over me.

Shuckhart. That’s the word.

Keep your eyes forward.  That’s where you’re going.

More to come,

Tanya B.