Inhale, Exhale

by tanyabittner | Aug 7, 2019 | Today

Because you dm’d me for examples from the last post and I happen to have a few fresh ones 😉

If your ex-spouse is telling your kids about all the fun things they could be doing with her if only they weren’t headed to your place for the (whole) week, that’s manipulation (by way of guilt tripping) and an-oh-so-subtle but effective, alienation technique.

• “Here’s a new (last minute) idea. There’s a flea market on Sunday morning but it’s only here the first Sunday of every month, and wouldn’t it be great if you got new furniture for your room (this specific Sunday only)? Why don’t you see about leaving dad’s early” — teaches BRIBERY and DISRESPECT 

1. It’s used furniture in this case. Child can get new furniture any other day of the week on mom’s time from Ikea, likely for cheaper. Mom should have asked dad’s permission directly to get child earlier before enticing child with a new fun idea on dad’s time who had his own plans for the day already in place. Causes undue stress on child and sets child up for disappointment, who will then blame dad for child not being able to get new used furniture, that one and only time you can ever get used furniture, everrrr.

EXAMPLE

• “We have last minute plans with family members here, can you get home early from your dad’s?” — teaches DISRESPECT and SUPERIORITY

1. It teaches child that one family is more important than the other family and disrespects/devalues dad/child time. It also places child in the middle to negotiate (yet again). Parents must communicate directly. And honestly, if this kind of shit is going on in your situation then I’ll bet it’s a high conflict one and the court has likely already placed an order for a specific communication tool to be used. Refusal to use the tool is defiant and disrespectful. It’s also suspect… Not to mention, a violation of the court’s order – which is punishable if enforced… and **UPDATE** we’ve recently learned, it’s super enforceable. 

Note: in this case, mom does not like the custody arrangement upheld by the court now, *four times* (over six years), most recently upheld in May 2019 where Mom was chastised by the court for trying to seek full legal custody of the kids. Mom will do anything and everything to convince the kids it’s a terrible custody arrangement. She’s already begun. Including attempting to alienate dad all together. We’ve seen her do this before. She’s a master manipulator. This is sadly, only the beginning. 

EXAMPLE

• “I know you’ve still got 3 days with dad but wouldn’t you like to come home early and go to the symphony? You’ve been gone awhile and this would be far more enriching than hanging out with your dad. Your cousins will be there. They miss you and want to see you. See about getting home early” teaches BRIBERY and DISRESPECT 

1. Again, it also puts the kids in a position to be the negotiator, she bribes them something that sounds more fun than what dad has planned and completely disrespects the relationship child has with dad. The symphony, the flea market, and the family events will all still be there on mom’s time… the constant interruption and devaluation of dad’s time with child is subtle, repeated alienation, but alienation just the same. It frustrates the kids. They just want to please both sides. The squeaky wheel gets the most grease… and in this case, mom refused to pick the kids up at the ordered time for not being able to negotiate an earlier pick up time on their own. She told them to find their own way home. 

EXAMPLE

• “At our house you can make your own plans and decisions about everything, you’re not 4 years old any more. It’s unreasonable that your dad is so rigid and won’t let you make your own plans and decisions at his house” — teaches BETRAYAL and DISRESPECT 

1. Your house, your rules. Their house, their rules. Parents of divorce must respect the rules of each other’s homes. It teaches children respect, rather than teaching disrespect or encouraging loyalty to only one parent: The one with better (or no) rules. In this case mom plants plans and ideas in the kids’ heads that otherwise weren’t there and encourages them to push for what they (*she), wants. 

EXAMPLE

• “Your dad had no reason to take your phone away. So I’ll buy you a new one” —teaches BRIBERY and DISRESPECT 

1. Undermining the other parent’s house rules teaches child to disrespect the parent with the rules and also places child in a superior role to the parent trying to establish a fair and reasonable parental authority. Better said, it’s an inverted triangle technique. Placing the parent who took away the phone at the bottom point of the triangle (inferior) and placing child with new phone on equal and superior footing opposite the other parent who bought the new phone, at the top of the triangle. This is a dangerous psychosis for the child to be enmeshed in… where he/she is elevated to equal “adult” footing with one parent and the other parented is viewed as inferior, unworthy.

EXAMPLE

• “Your father left our family for another one” — teaches BLAME and DISRESPECT

1. Mother in this case had a lengthy affair, and asked father to move out, and on with his life. After father does move out, and on, mother lies to children, flips the narrative, blames dad and successfully alienates him. And let’s not even talk about how INAPPROPRIATE it is to discuss marital problems with your children! The ultimate selfish act.

The alienation examples I have are far too numerous to count, let alone write out… the kids here are being taught one parent is superior in every way to the other one. 

The kids are being used.

If this is also happening to your kids, you have options to fight back. Expensive ones. But options nonetheless. 

More to come,

Tanya S. 

Parental Alienation 

by tanyabittner | Aug 5, 2019 | Today

Here it is:

This is how it ends. 

Awareness.

More to come,

Tanya S.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

by tanyabittner | May 13, 2019 | Today

Chapter 1 – The Land of Many Waters
**Excerpt**

As I walked out of the bathroom, I saw him in the bedroom. He was old, small and ugly.

“Maria, come in here.” 

I pushed the door open all the way, but didn’t go into the bedroom where he was. I couldn’t bear to look at him. Instead of staring at the deep grooves in his forehead and that mouth packed full of uneven teeth, my eyes focused away down the hall onto some trash scattered on the wood floor.

A paper sack full of potato peelings and rotting avocado skins. An empty can of sardines tipped over on its side. The tin was shiny and new. I related to it… empty and still new, for a little while longer. 

“Don’t you think it’s time we get to know each other better?” he asked.

I tried to stall. 

“I’m hungry. Is there anything to eat?” 

“We should make our marriage official first,” was his reply. “And, Maria? I didn’t tell you to change your clothes. I told you to get undressed. Undress now, and lay on the bed.” 

I was terrified. My mother warned me this would happen on my wedding day, and she told me I mustn’t fight him… I always did what my mother said. Even when I was married to this man, this husband of mine, Alan Goodman, 45. I understood what an arranged marriage was – I had been sold. And so, I had as much contempt for the mother who betrayed me as I did for the man who was about to ruin me.
I took my clothes off again, in front of him this time. My blouse felt sticky and cobwebbed on my skin, smothering me even as I pulled it up and over my head. Instinctively I put one arm over my breasts and tossed the dress aside with my other hand. I slowly shimmied out of my skirt and let it drop to my ankles.
As I stood with my eyes closed and legs crossed I could hear Alan fumble with his belt as he tried to undress beside me. A few seconds later I heard the buckle slam on the floor – my eyes popped opened and I starred up at the rafters, breathing shallow and fast. He pushed me onto the bed. When he lay beside me I could smell him. He reeked of Indian spices and booze.

Strength, Power, and Grace

by tanyabittner | Feb 21, 2019 | Today

Toxic people will project their own unhappiness, character defects and inexcusable behavior by accusing their targets of displaying those exact flaws. 

Letting someone like this create a false narrative of you is a small price to pay for maintaining the alchemy of your blessed life and, it keeps them on the outside of it, where they belong. 

The strength, power and grace of a target, is found in her ability to show compassion for her toxic, unstable aggressor, extend well wishes and then, marginalize them as quickly as possible 🖤.

More to come, 

Tanya S.