A personal essay.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted to feel. At peace.
From the time my father died when I was eight years old, setting off a chain reaction of some truly awful stuff – I longed for inner peace.
I couldn’t articulate it then of course, because I didn’t even know the word or concept. The idea and later, the search for peace, became synonymous with rummaging through life for happiness. And so I went off on a journey looking for it (peace/happiness) in all the wrong places, with all the wrong motivations. As a teenager I thought I could find it with a good-boy, then, a bad-boy (head scratcher). As an adult I played it safer with a more familial choice in relationship and then with zeal I raced through college obsessed with securing a dream job – and that would do it for sure!
Nope.
As I got older, I believed money and success would bring it, and having babies would somehow, magically provide it. Still, no. Please don’t get me wrong – YES of course over decades I experienced happiness. Though, I was never at peace. Always on edge.
Divorce. And then remarrying… now THESE life changers would finally produce peace/happiness with a big, beautiful bow – right?
Ah, it’s taken a lot of soul searching, misstepping, flat out mistakes, bad judgement calls, the pain of others, pain like I’ve never known, hours of therapy, decluttering my mind, experiencing enlightenment, a love I can count on, and most importantly, forgiveness, to finally feel it. Yeeesssss!
But that’s a lot of work to put in – over a hell of a lot of years – just to fall off the metaphorical wagon… but I have, a few times over the last month. Old wounds can still bite.
You see, you’re never alone.
Usually when I “allow” someone or some incident to resurrect an old wound is when I regress. Maybe only for a few moments, maybe it lasts an hour, or maybe it carries on for a few days… but that I “allow” it is unbelievably frustrating. Because, I know better intellectually. Nonetheless, a lever is pulled. I fall into the trap – I get hooked. Reminded, I’m Human.
On the other side of that regression, a deeper level of healing happens.
Thank you Danielle LaPorte. It’s so true. The healing is intensified. All the self-work the last five years has paid off.
In my 40’s, I’ve come to realize these two states of being aren’t synonyms for one another at all. Happiness does not beget peace OR vice versa. And you won’t find either in the high and ego of a financial windfall.
Peace is a state of mind – happiness is a state of, happy.
I’ve also come to accept that nothing in life is ever a mistake, or a bad judgment – but rather purposeful steps in personal evolution that lead you to exactly, precisely, where you are right now, next week, next month, next year… everything always happens as it’s meant to.
I tend to feel all emotions in a crude way, allowing them to fully come in. I’ve had to learn to draw upon (an ever maturing) ability to accept and clutch pain in particular, set new boundaries, and then, be thankful for it. A necessary emotional purging takes place and that peaceful state of mind does emerge.
Telling your husband and a few best friends about it helps too 🙂
It is utter contentment.
So this is an open letter to me and you, to continue to work at getting comfortable with uncertainty, to never-EVER look back, and by the grace of God (or whatever higher power you pray to) accept the direction our lives have taken and embrace those two states of being whenever we feel them coming on – free from the burden of self-reproach or self-condemnation.
I had a wonderful weekend despite a recent backslide from an old wound. Friday’s pre-birthday dinner, Saturday morning presents with Brad and the girls, phone calls from the boys, homecoming pictures, and visits with new friends, to sleep-in-Sunday, an unexpected, pleasant birthday wish, and even a creepy one. This has been THE best birthday of my life. At 44, I am completely at peace and happy and I’m wishing it for you too :).
More to come,
Tanya B.
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