“I’m not a pushover any more. I stand up for myself”!. Overheard this last week. No, I wasn’t eavesdropping – let’s say I was privy to an unwelcome, haughty conversation.
On its face, there’s nothing wrong with those words. It’s always better to have a voice, than not. No one wants to be taken advantage of. However, there’s a difference between defending yourself or a position, and just being a jerk.
Spewing venom isn’t standing up for yourself – it’s just spewing venom.
Being principled is one thing. A good thing actually. But harboring feelings of anger and resentment while secretly plotting revenge is not standing up for yourself either. At worst, it’s malicious. At best, you’re projecting.
Example: “I think of myself as a pushover so I am going to say awful things to you and accuse you of thinking I’m a pushover”.
And since we’re weeks away from a Presidential Election here in the US, here’s another example of projection:
Trump on the US: “We are the laughingstock of the world”.
Translation: Trump thinks Trump is the laughingstock of the world.
Conflict is often about perception, which is “reality”. For everyone. Especially during a war of the words.
When you are in a conflict with someone, all perceptions are distorted. Yours and theirs.
It’s precisely when we ought to be honest and clear about our feelings in relationships… but we’re silly humans and so we rarely communicate well in those moments, instead we act out; try and settle some old score. Our need to be right supersedes the need to understand, forgive and be forgiven. We need to win.
Is it a lack of confidence? Or, fear? Is it societal? Maybe he/she never learned how to communicate? Or, perhaps he/she just doesn’t care… Either way, it doesn’t matter, because:
Conclusions are lethal. – Danielle LaPorte.
If you’re historically a non-communicator but have now suddenly, or through an awaking process, found your voice (you’re non-pushover self) it must be exhilarating – like an out-of-control water hose! You’re just communicating all over the place! Good for you.
But just because you couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate before, doesn’t mean the person or persons you were in a relationship with then, didn’t want you to. In fact, I’ll bet they even asked you to – a lot.
It all comes back to HONEST introspection. Then alignment.
I’m far more interested in personal evolution – have been for five years. In fact, I’m attracted to it (good news for Brad :)). I want to believe we’re all doing our part individually to be better versions of ourselves, for a better world. Idealistic? Aspirational? Maybe. But if someone is too rigid, out to get even, can’t compromise, then I’ll disengage. That energy is too toxic and NEVER yields a victory.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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