This is crazy! When I first wrote the story below, it was mid-way through September. Hadn’t published it because I don’t publish everything I write… but, today (10.10.16), when I logged in to write a new post (At Peace) – I saw Emotional Purging in the “drafts” folder and was DUMBFOUNDED that two different old wounds had resurfaced (in much the same way) almost a month apart from one another – oddly in and around my daughter’s two high school dances of the year. This was a sign if I’ve ever seen one! I had to publish it when it should have hit which is why you’ll see it as new content occurring in the past. Life is so wonderfully strange!
Emotional Purging.
It can be the best free therapy e v e r. I generally know when I need to rid my mind of old garbage. What about you? When you’re feeling angry, sad or frustrated about something and all those emotions are swirling around in your head like the inside of a hornets’ nest do you make a conscious effort to get rid of it?
Maybe you vent to someone, cry, punch bags, run miles and miles, burn pictures and letters in the fire pit out back, whatever it takes! Everyone gets rid of mental and emotional clutter differently.
I actually just did this recently – emotionally purged. And it was very unexpected.
It started on a Friday evening. I was in the throes of merrily entertaining a few teenagers who were getting ready for a high school dance. I had been flitting back and forth between cooking in the kitchen (even had the apron on) and taking pictures for their Instagram accounts in the backyard. It’s where I learned the correct way to snap a boomerang (you count to three out loud, but hold the button down on two). Anyway, I was also singing along to Fleetwood Mac and Bryan Adams’ songs, texting with Brad, checking social media, and laughing when BAM! Like someone splashed cold water on me – I was instantly immobilized and the last four years of my life came out of the walls around me and zoomed past my ears.
Not going to get into the details but in broad strokes, I unexpectedly came across something. Something that made me want to grab my passport and jump on a plane headed to Mexico.
The old me would’ve done that too. I was a well conditioned flight risk back then, that’s for sure. But I had these kids here and more were coming – they all needed to eat, they wanted more pictures, they needed a ride to the dance, and in the meantime, they needed me to be the light, fun mom. Not the “take off to Mexico”, mom.
After they jumped out of the SUV, waved bye and turned toward the gym where the dance was taking place – I caught my breath. Felt like I’d held it for hours. Now what? I mean I didn’t go looking for this – I was as happy as could be seconds before – I didn’t have time for it – I didn’t want any of it. R O A R!
Human.
You’re re-conditioned to react differently now – come on, inhale, exhale (I told myself all of these things).
Ignore the backstory.
Separate it from what you saw.
Breathe…
Still not working.
All I wanted to do was go back in time and take care of business. You know what I mean. Really let someone have it!
Wait? I still can (I thought). Can’t I?
Yes. I could go back to the future. But what good would it do? No one else would see it coming either. I ran through scenarios of what taking care of business would mean for a lot of people. It wasn’t good. There was no healthy outcome for anyone.
Fuck it – well into Saturday by now, I decided there was no other way out of this emotional hold.
So I started to write and write and write – and come Monday morning I was still writing. Then I got to the end. The very last word. Three days of unexpected purging led to righteousness in one word at the end of a journal entry. One freaking word. I paused. Questioned my initial motive for wanting to go back to the future and really let someone have it… and then, I smiled. One word and forgiveness and peace finally came over me.
Shuckhart. That’s the word.
Keep your eyes forward. That’s where you’re going.
More to come,
Tanya B.
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