As a divorcee, I do NOT like the term “high-conflict divorce.” It implies both parties have high-conflict personalities. In my experience there’s been just one party who’s high-conflict. Family Law attorney, and former psychotherapist, William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD says this is pretty common, “… sometimes both parties to a dispute have High-Conflict Personalities, but in many cases there is only one High-Conflict Personality – the other party is fairly reasonable, simply trying to avoid the conflict or trying to get it under control”. Sometimes the only way to get it under control is to ask the court for help.
Bet if you do some digging, that same one party has likely displayed controlling, high-conflict personality traits toward friends and family (maybe even co-workers) for decades as opposed to being accommodating, calm, reasonable, and logical.
Don’t get me wrong. Divorce brings out THE WORST in people. But imagine someone has behaved manically since young adulthood (or younger) and has become rigid and inflexible with age. Then hit her (or him) with the reality of an impending divorce and heads – along with bank accounts – Will. Roll. They’ll use anything and anyone to seek revenge on you for leaving them, including their own kids.
I’ve identified a few traits of someone with a high-conflict personality based on eye witness accounts of a gnarly divorce, research and many private sessions with therapists extremely knowledgable about these types of personalities:
- Manic mood swings
- Responsibility avoidance (they never take responsibility for their role in anything – ever)
- Inability to reflect on their own (bad) behavior
- Grandious thinking (that, “I’ll show him” mentality)
- Blaming others (it’s always someone else’s fault; never theirs)
- Controlling behavior
- Manipulation
- Alienating kids from the other parent
- Insecurity
- Inability to empathize with others
- Fear of abandonment
- Lying (they distort the truth or make shit up all together)
- Even, stalking (or vandalizing… ie: throwing eggs at your car in the dead of night)
This person is a master manipulator. They’re cunning and they thrive on conflict. It’s their way or the highway. And you get sucked in. You become defensive. You want to point out how unreasonable and rigid they’re being. STOP!
These high-conflict personalities have absolutely no awareness of their own behaviors and they’re illogical. If you disagree with them or call them out on their bad behavior they feel “harassed.” It’s perceived as an attack. Though they will spew venom your way like nobody’s business (see bullet three above).
Virginia Gilbert, a marriage and family therapist (MFT) in LA offers this succinct advice,
“D I S E N G A G E.”
If you’re trying to get on with your life after leaving someone who has a high-conflict personality, here’s an analogy that worked for me with some more nuggets of advice folded in:
Your life, with its perfectly imperfect characters, is playing on broadway. The high-conflict ex’s life is playing off-broadway. She/he has created their own story lines, similar characters including one for your role. When you don’t say the right lines, the ones scripted for you – when you stop “acting”, the audience stops coming… and when the off-broadway show no longer has an audience… the curtain closes.
More to come,
Tanya B.
“It’s All Your Fault”: http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course075.php
“What Therapists Don’t Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/virginia-gilbert-mft/what-therapists-dont-tell_b_2622776.html
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