Metaphorically speaking, I like to think we all have an inner North Star… one consistent, never-changing compass of guiding principles, goals, or desires we aspire to live by. I have one :). My North Star has five points: happiness, peace, gratitude, strength and perseverance.
No matter how cluttered my life gets, I’m conscious of the points in my North Star every day. And believe me, divorced and blended families can be FULL of clutter. I don’t mean that in a pejorative sense, it’s just a reality that things can get messy and sometimes even crowded in blended families – especially for parties of six!
The messy part is especially true of divorced families with disgruntled ex-spouses at the helm of kids’ primary homes. I’m not talking about the exes who were legitimately wronged – though even then, you have to put your grievances aside and make decisions in the best interest of the children. I’m talking about the one’s who no longer wanted to be in their marriages, who betrayed their marital vows with lengthy affairs, or who asked their (then) spouses to leave the family home so they could carry on as singles… the exes who’ve done all of these things often lose composure (aka: freak out) when their soon-to-be ex-spouses move on and ultimately file for divorce.
Divorced parents listen up: on-going post-divorce negotiations about money and kids are necessary. They’re about two parents needing to co-exist in the best interest of the kids (repeat this phrase again and again) until they’re at least 18. Period. Psychologist Judith Wallerstein interviewed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. She learned, “what [kids] remembered about the post-divorce years was their sense that they had indeed been abandoned by both parents*”. So exes who get caught up in control, inflexibility, double-standards, and selfishness – guess what? They. Lose. Too.
Find your North Star instead of bickering about control. Take deep breaths. You need to think about what’s best for your kids now and be able to see around the corner into their future (even when the other parent doesn’t). What decisions are you making about their teenage years? How about college?
You need to be running parallel efforts – thinking about what’s best for the kids and you! Alignment with your guiding principles is important for everyone. After all, it is your life we’re talking about too. The kids grow, they have families of their own… don’t lose yourself in the process.
Live intentionally. Be your authentic you.
“For what you resist, persists” – unknown.
Don’t entertain the drama that comes in those post-divorce months and years. Center through it. Breathe. Have hope. Find your North Star and never take your eyes off it.
More to come,
Tanya B.
*Judith Wallerstein: Forget the Notion Divorce Won’t Hurt Kids. It Will.” Biography 1 (1997): 79-81.
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